Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year!

I am so happy to say GOOD BYE 2010!

I am not a fan of this year. Nothing good has come out of this year and, to be frank, most of it sucked pretty damn bad.

Here's to hoping that 2011 is a much, much better year! I hope that all of my dreams come true in 2011 and I hope that yours do, too!

So raise that glass of bubbly, kiss your loved one, have a fabulous night and help me welcome in this new year!



It just has to be better than 2010 was.


Thursday, December 30, 2010

oh snap...

I forgot to tell y'all that my NP talked with my RE yesterday and they've decided to switch all of my stims to IM shots instead of subq like originally planned.

So not excited about this! Now instead of a teeny, tiny painless needle in my tummy, I'll get a super huge, thick needle stuck in the muscles in my ass every night. With Menopur that burns like no other, to boot!

So...let's assume that this IVF works..I'll be on PIO through the first trimester, bare minimum. So, estimating here, if I do stims for 8 days, that's 8 IM shots and then the trigger, that's another IM shot. So 9 total to get me to the ER and ET. Then I'll start PIO. So let's, you guessed it, estimate again, that I'd be on PIO for 9 weeks post ET (since technically the first three weeks of the pregnancy are during stims/ER/ET) that's another 63 days of IM shots. Add that to the 9 for stims/trigger and we are at 72 days of IM shots!!! I'm going to have one sore, sore ass.

I'm seriously going to need to convince my business manager at work that I need a new, more plush chair...or I'll be bringing my damn pillow to the office to sit on.


Ahhh...the realities of infertility...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

game face on!

I'm starting stims for my IVF cycle this coming SUNDAY!

Everything checked out during my suppression check this morning (man, my ovaries are TINY!) and my blood work was A-ok! Got the go ahead to start 375iu of Gonal-F and 75iu of Menopur on Sunday night! I'm so incredibly excited!

BRING IT ON! I'm ready to beat this damn opponent...


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

good riddance!

I just [hopefully] took my last BCP of this IVF protocol!

YAY!

I've been on the active pills since December 4th...sooooo long! But I'm done now and my suppression check is in less than 24 hours :)

I'm so happy to throw those stupid things out the window. I have crazy dreams while on BCP and I'm always starving.

Can't wait until tomorrow morning! Fingers crossed that everything goes well....


Sunday, December 26, 2010

it was a WHITE Christmas!



Yep, that's right...we had snow on Christmas in Alabama. First time there has ever been snow on Christmas Day here. And, of course, it was the one year The Coach and I didn't go home. Ironic, huh?

But it didn't last long, most was gone this morning, and all that hit the streets melted immediately. I guess it made it feel a *little* more like Christmas...after all, it would have been my first ever snowless Christmas.

And it was so nice to only have to drive two blocks down to our friend's house for dinner and then walk downstairs from his place to the pub for a nightcap. No driving 300+ miles from The Coach's family to my family in tons of snow and ice for us this year!

Now that Christmas is over I am so ready for the new year to get here. 2010 sucked and I can't wait for it to be over. I've decided that 2011 will be a good year, it will be our year.


....if only it were that easy....

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!

I can't believe Christmas is here again...as much as this year has sucked, it has flown by. I really can't think of a single good thing that happened this year...luckily 2011 is right around the corner.

And 2011 is going to be a good year.

The Coach and I are spending the day at home, with the dogs, relaxing. While I miss my family terribly, it is so nice to not be scurrying all over the icy, snowy midwest to make all of the parties. Tonight we are having filet mignon, more crab legs, scalloped potatoes and roasted broccoli. And when we wake up on Christmas morning, we are going to exchange our gifts. We are making a yummy pasta for lunch tomorrow and then tomorrow night we are going to a friend's house for dinner.

The holidays are so hard for so many people, all for different reasons. I hope that all of you are able to celebrate and enjoy the holidays with friends and family. I know many of you have felt a lot of pain this year, just as we have, and are anxious to put 2010 behind you. May all of your wishes come true in 2011! I hope it is a fabulous year for all!

Here are a few pictures of our Christmas decorations (these were taken immediately after our tree was put up--there are presents under there now!):

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

it is Christmas!

The Coach and I were gone all day today and we came home to a huge box....hmmm...December 21st...could it be clothes? cookies? chocolates? another gift for the holidays? NOPE! It is was our IVF meds! YAY! Just as exciting as any Christmas gift could be!

I'll be on the antagonist protocol...Gonal-F, Menopur and then adding in Ganirelix. Using an hCG trigger to induce ovulation and then post ET I'll be on PIO (progesterone in oil shots). Here is a picture of all of my goodies:From left to right, in the back, Gonal-F, in front of that is the Novarel triggers, next to the Gonal-F is the Ganirelix, in front of that are the IM needles for PIO. Next to the Ganirelix is my brand new Sharps container (because my other two are full!) and in front of that is the PIO and in front of the PIO is the needles used to mix it. Next to the PIO is the Menopur and in front of that is all of the needles to mix and inject the Menopur and Gonal-F (which will be mixed and injected all at once).

Gonal-F
7 boxes of Gonal-F at an out-of-pocket price of $4,939.42



Menopur
2 boxes of Menopur at an out-of-pocket price of $1,057.45



Ganirelix
5 boxes of Ganirelix at an out-of-pocket cost of $621.65



Novarel Trigger
2 boxes of Novarel hCG trigger at an out-of-pocket price of $245.73



PIO
6 boxes of PIO at an out-of-pocket cost of $221.03


Now, add all of that up, plus the cost of the needles, syringes and the Sharps container and you will get a grand total of......$7105.48!!

Holy hell. I'm in the wrong field.

That is just meds..and not even all of them. That doesn't include the two packs of birth control pills or the progesterone suppositories I am/will be on. And of course that doesn't include any of the actual IVF costs (baselines, HSG, SIS, semen freeze, cryoscreens, suppression check, monitoring appointments, ER, ET....)...seriously...it makes me sick to think that we have to pay this much money for a CHANCE to have a baby. Something most people just have sex to achieve. How depressing. Now, in light of full disclosure, The Coach and I are very, very blessed to have some Rx coverage for some of the meds needed for our IVF cycle. We have very random, very spotty coverage with super high co-pays but we did not have to pay $7,000 for the meds. Now, if only we had coverage for the actual IVF...

Saturday, December 18, 2010

HAPPY VACATION!

Yessssssssssssss......vacation....oh happy day!

One of the few perks of working in higher education is holiday vacation time. Because the students are off from early December-mid January, the staff gets a decent break, too. Our last day was yesterday and we are off until January 3rd! And I couldn't be any happier. I definitely need a break from that place. Yesterday we also had our department holiday party so we left the office at 12:45. After the party some of us went out for happy hour...mmm...sangria! The perfect way to start vacation.

The Coach is on vacation as well...or as much of vacation as he can stand. He'll be going into the office for a few hours most days but that's much better than his typical 14-16 hour days...

My IVF nurse called on Thursday and said that all of The Coach's cryoscreen blood work came back normal so we have the go-ahead for him to give a sample for the clinic to freeze (in case he is sick or something comes up when he would need to provide the fresh sample for our IVF). So we've scheduled that for Tuesday. It has to be done at the main clinic so that means another trip across the state.... I'm also having my cryoscreens blood work done that day.

My nurse also put in the order for all of my IVF meds with the pharmacy and they called me last week to confirm. Because I don't need the meds for awhile they are going to hold off on shipping them to me. I plan to call them this coming week to have them send them out....I know it is going to be very overwhelming to receive all those meds and I'll be sure to post a picture for y'all to see!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

football saturdays

Here in the south, in the heart of SEC country, football is taken seriously. And when I say it is taken seriously I mean...it is serious business. Everyone has their team. You have to...and in Auburn "Roll Tide" (The University of Alabama's battle cry) are fightin' words. There is this saying down here, that in Alabama, the only thing more important than college football is God..and sometimes not by much. We are smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt...and we are also smack dab in the middle of the greatest place on earth for college football.

As you know, both The Coach and I are huge football fans..and Auburn is our team. Auburn has had an exceptional year, went 12-0 in the regular season, won the SEC Championship Game and we are headed to the National Championship Game in Glendale on January 10th. And Cam Newton, our incredible quarterback, won the Heisman Trophy last weekend. It is a fabulous time on the plains and it is, as it always is, Great to be an Auburn Tiger!

The Coach and I go to all of Auburn's home football games...most often he has recruits at the games but we still make it to all of them. Auburn is a school built on traditions and one of our traditions, which has been copied all over the country but truly did originate right here on Auburn's campus, is Tiger Walk. Tiger Walk is the pre-game march of the football team from their team buses down to the stadium. Fans line the streets, sing the fight song, scream Auburn cheers and welcome the players and the coaching staff on game day. Here are a few pictures of Tiger Walk:





Here at Auburn, it is all about the Auburn Family...so here are some pictures of my Family...at one of our regular Saturday afternoon Family Reunions:

One of the other big traditions at Auburn is rolling Toomer's Corner. On the far edge of campus, in downtown Auburn, there is a small drug store called Toomer's Drugs. They serve the worlds best lemonade and have fabulous sandwiches, baked potatoes and soups. It became tradition, years ago, to go "roll Toomer's" after an Auburn victory....roll the big old oak trees across the street from Toomer's in toilet paper. They close down the streets, hand out rolls of toilet paper and everyone goes nuts. It is an unbelievable experience. Often time fans of the team that Auburn just beat will even venture down to Toomer's to see the sight themselves..and luckily for us, we've gotten to roll Toomer's a lot this year! :)

These pictures were taken after Auburn's victory over Alabama in the 2010 Iron Bowl. It is important to note that the game was played at The University of Alabama (3 hours from campus) so all of these people were people who did not even go to the game but drove up to campus after the victory to roll Toomer's...it was one hell of a night, and that's all I'll say about that one...



If you are ever down in the southeast and want to see college football at its finest, experience one of the best college game day atmospheres in the country and witness something truly unique and spectacular in the Auburn Family...look me up...I'd be glad to show you how we do football Saturdays in Auburn!
I believe in Auburn and love it!
















Tuesday, December 14, 2010

got it!

I finally got my break! It is about damn time.

I had my scheduled pre-IVF phone call with my IVF nurse this morning. She went over all of the ins and outs of IVF (our medical history, our calendar, the different meds I'll be on, the actual procedures...all that fun stuff) and then asked if I had any questions...of course I have questions..you'll learn about my personality soon enough...I asked her about the SIS results and if my RE had looked at them yet. She said that my RE got together with the other REs in the practice and they all decided there was no reason to postpone the cycle. The growth is so tiny and at the very top of my uterus so they don't see it interfering with anything. The nurse said that most ultrasound techs wouldn't have even noticed the growth during the SIS--my local NP is just that good. If the growth was in the endometrium, we probably would need to have it removed. So, onward we go!

I have my appointment for next Wednesday for my cryoscreens (infections disease panel) and then I'll take my last BCP on the 28th, go in for my suppression check on the 29th and likely start stims on January 2nd! We are looking at an ER around 1/12 or 1/13.



Oh my God..this is really going to happen!

Monday, December 13, 2010

can I get a break...PLEASE?

One step forward, two steps back.

Story of my life. Or at least my infertility life.

Had my final pre-IVF test today...repeat SIS. I was expecting it to go well and not show any issues because of my good HSG last week. I assumed...and I was wrong. Of course I was wrong. I'm always wrong.

The SIS showed some sort of uterine growth at the top of my uterus...in the same spot that I had a growth at back in August 2009...which required surgery to remove it. My NP said she doesn't think the growth is big enough to warrant postponing our IVF but I have a feeling my RE will disagree with her. It could explain the recent chemical pregnancy. Or it could be nothing. Having another surgery would mean pushing IVF back...right into The Coach's season. Hello extra stress!

I'm pretty upset right now. All I want is a baby. All I want is IVF. I that really too much to ask?

Friday, December 10, 2010

it is heeeeeeeeeeere!

My official tentative IVF calendar! It arrived in the mail today! YAY! Here it is:

12/28--Take last BCP pill (so I'm on BCP for 24 days..which is longer than I was thinking/hoping)
12/29--Office visit--suppression check for blood draw (E2, Beta), ultrasound & catheter check
1/2--START STIMS!! 375iu of Follistim and 75iu of Menopur daily
1/6--Office visit to check E2, P4, CBC and ultrasound...potentially starting 250mcg Ganirelix
1/7--Possible office visit (blood work, ultrasound)
1/8--Possible office visit (blood work, ultrasound)
1/9--Possible office visit (blood work, ultrasound)
1/10--Possible office visit (blood work, ultrasound)
1/11--Possible office visit (blood work, ultrasound)
1/12 Possible office visit OR TENTATIVE EGG RETRIEVAL!

So that's it...we are looking an ER around the week of January 12, 2011!


It is all so overwhelming and exciting. I just can't wait to get started! 18 days of BCP left!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

check! check! check!

IVF baseline...done! Results=good!

Repeat HSG for IVF...done! Results=good!

The Coach's pre-IVF blood work...done! Results=will be in later next week!


Next up:

Repeat SIS for IVF...Monday, December 13th

Meeting with IVF to obtain official calendar...Tuesday, December 14th

Have The Coach provide a sperm sample for the clinic to freeze prior to IVF *just in case*...TBD



This is really happening.

Monday, December 6, 2010

"they shoot the dye WHERE?"

Ahhhh...the many painful procedures us infertiles must endure....the HSG being one of the worst. HSG is short for hysterosalpingogram...or more commonly referred to as "the dye test". Basically the doctor inserts a soft catheter through your cervix and shoots a radiopaque dye through the fallopian tubes and into the uterus and take x-rays. And it HURTS. I had my first HSG in August 2009 and I'm having my second one tomorrow :(

Most women have their HSG done at the start of their fertility testing, to make sure the tubes are open and working and that there isn't any blockages, polyps or growths in the uterus. I read on a few infertility message boards about this horrid, horrid procedure. People continuously posted stories about their HSG test...and the sheer amount of pain they were in during the test. I was terrified.

I worked myself up into this tizzy and was scared out of my mind. Come to find out the procedure wasn't that bad. It wasn't fun, it hurt and I was so happy I would never have to go through it again but it wasn't the most pain I had ever felt. Little did I know my RE would want to repeat the HSG prior to starting IVF.

FANTASTIC.

So I get to have this procedure again tomorrow. I have to go to the main clinic for the procedure because it is done in the outpatient surgical center. The one little tiny positive about this? The Coach said we could get lunch at Chipotle. Chipotle is my absolute FAVORITE fast food restaurant and we don't have one near by. Yessssssssss...

I also have my SIS scheduled for next Monday. An SIS is a saline infusion sonography. This procedure is much less painful than the HSG. I also had an SIS done back in 2009 and for this test the doctor injects saline into the uterus while monitoring the procedure by ultrasound to check for any issues. To me it didn't really feel different from a regular ultrasound.

I'm hoping I have better results from these tests this time around. During my first HSG my RE saw some sort of growth in my uterus and it was confirmed the following day during my SIS and I had surgery shortly thereafter to remove the growth.

Please, please, please let the tests come back clear. I DO NOT want to have surgery again and postpone this IVF cycle.

I also got the results back from my baseline blood work from Friday...my E2 was 35 and my FSH was 9.5...both great numbers! So as long as I get good reports tomorrow and Monday, this cycle will officially be on!!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Waaaaaaaaaaar Eagle, Hey!


ON TO THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP WE GO!

The SEC Championship Game was so much fun! The Coach and I had a great time in Atlanta...especially because Auburn smoked USCe 56-17! WOO-HOO! Next stop for the Tigers, Glendale...for the BSC National Championship Game! :) So proud of my Tigers!

Friday, December 3, 2010

total madness

I got my period late yesterday afternoon (but early enough and heavy enough for yesterday to be considered CD1). I looked at the calendar, did the math and figured there is no way I could start BCP right now because that would put my ER smack dab in the middle of the week the embryologist's lab is closed. I called my IVF nurse this morning and left her a voicemail, fully expecting her to call me back and tell me to sit this month out and that I'd go on BCP next cycle.

WRONG!

At 9:45 the scheduling department called and said my IVF nurse wanted me to come in immediately for my IVF baseline and my labs had to be drawn by 10:00. Not happening. Not only was I at work but the clinic is 45 minutes away and my car didn't have any gas in it. I panicked, called The Coach and told him to pick me up at my office ASAP. We sped up the interstate to the clinic and walked in at 10:34. The currier was already gone with today's labs (the clinic sends all of the blood draws up to the main clinic for testing). My NP said that it isn't a problem, that since they are just testing my FSH and Estradiol, it isn't a problem for the sample to be looked at on Monday. The results wouldn't change anything anyway, since I'm just going on BCP. If I were to start stims, that would be a different story but she assured me it is fine.

After my draw I had my baseline ultrasound. I have one small cyst but the BCP will take care of that easily. The ultrasound showed 10 antral follies on my right ovary and 18 on my left---I was very happy with that!

So I'm starting BCP tomorrow and I'm meeting with my IVF nurse on the 14th to discuss my timeline and calendar. At that time she'll make the call if we need to extend the BCP an extra week so we can avoid the lab closing issue.

ALL SYSTEMS A GO! IVF....HERE WE COME!



PS...The Coach and I are going to the SEC Championship Game tomorrow...WAR DAMN EAGLE! :)

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

that stupid biiitch

Aunt flow, that is.

Seriously...what gives?

For the past 2.5 years I've spent every single month praying that she wouldn't show. And she always did. Now I need her to come so we can get this IVF underway and of course she decides to be late. A week late.

My body is so damn frustrating!!!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

War Damn Eagle! And updates..

WAR DAMN EAGLE!

Now, if you know or care anything about college athletics, you know that War Damn Eagle is the battle cry for Auburn University. And you should also know that Auburn University and the University of Alabama are huge, huge rivals. About as big of rivals as two universities can be. And probably the most heated rivalry in all of the world. No lie. People bleed orange and blue or crimson. The traditions go back through generation after generation. It is very rare to find a "house divided" over Auburn and Alabama because the hatred is that strong. Unfortunately, as an Auburn fan, Bama has been pretty good for the past few years. They even won the National Championship last year. Disgusting. And they've also won the Iron Bowl for the past two years (the Iron Bowl is that yearly game between Auburn and Alabama). Bama being good and especially winning the Iron Bowl makes living in this state very unpleasant. To put it mildly.

Well, if you follow college football at all, you know that going into the Iron Bowl Auburn was 11-0! The #2 team in the country and Bama had two loses (YAY!). The Iron Bowl is always played Thanksgiving weekend and has been played on Fridays for a few years. Auburn had to play in Tuscaloosa this year and that is NOT an easy place to play. Over 100,000 of America's trashiest trash fill the stadium and make up (most of) the fan base of Bama Nation. BUT Auburn is 6-1 in Tuscaloosa (for many years the Iron Bowl was played at a neutral site in Birmingham because of the hostility of the rivalry). And going into this year's game, Bama had nothing to lose and everything to gain and it was the opposite for Auburn. You see, all Bama wanted was to keep Auburn out of the National Championship Game. With two losses they don't stand a chance at making a decent bowl game so their goal was to ruin it for us.

AND THEY DIDN'T! AUBURN WON! WAR DAMN EAGLE BABY! GO TO HELL ALABAMA!

It was a hell of a game and one hell of a win! Auburn also has this tradition called Rolling Toomers. In downtown Auburn there is a small drug store called Toomer's, located at Toomer's Corner (and if you are ever in Auburn, you MUST try their lemonade!) and it is tradition to roll--with toilet paper--Toomer's Corner after every Auburn victory. So after the final seconds of the game, everyone at our football party loaded up in cars and headed downtown. And we rolled and rolled Toomers. And screamed War Eagle. And it was incredible. We are still in the hunt for the National Championship. We broke Bama's 20 game win streak at home. We handed their their 3rd loss of the season. And all is right in the state of Alabama!

I'll have to get around to posting some pictures of Toomer's...but The Coach left the necessary equipment up at the office. Next Saturday we are off to Atlanta to cheer on our Auburn Tigers in the SEC Championship game. We win that, we are in the National Title game. WDE!


Now, on to the infertility stuff...you'll have to excuse me, I get a little excited about college football....:)

The Coach and I had our IVF Consult with our RE last Tuesday. I had a whole list of questions going in and I'm so happy to say she answered every single one of my questions before I could even ask them. She went over the typical stuff...the chances of having a child with some type of disability, when the lab is closed over the Holidays, for both The Coach and I to get flu shots ASAP and then got into the meat of the IVF discussion.

We will be doing the antagonist protocol. Her reasoning for favoring antagonist for me over long Lupron is because my E2 has been low in the past (before adding the Menopur) and she doesn't want to risk over-suppressing me with Lupron which wouldn't allow my E2 to increase appropriately. So I'll be on 375iu of Follistim and 75iu of Menopur daily and then add in Garnilex as we get further into stimming. Prior to starting stims I'll be on BCP for 14 days and during that time I'll repeat my HSG (a test where they inject dye into your tubes and uterus while monitoring it via x-ray to check for any blockage or leakage--it is PAINFUL) and my SIS (a saline sonogram where they measure the uterus and check for any polyps or growths).

She gave us about a 50% chance of having success with IVF and said that it is completely up to us if we transfer 1 or 2 embryos. She said guidelines recommend we transfer 1 but she'd understand if we wanted to do 2. The twin rate would be about 30% if we transferred 1, 50-60% if we transferred 2. We've decided to transfer 2. Her hope is to get anywhere from 10-15 eggs at the egg retrieval, which is a good number because it puts me at a low risk for OHSS and should promote good quality of embryos instead of quantity.

The ER and ET will be performed in their main office in Birmingham so I won't have to go a hospital for either. The clinic is attached to a hospital so if there were to be any complications, we would be right there, but we aren't expecting anything to happen.

So right now I'm just waiting to get my period. Depending on when it comes, I may start BCP this cycle or we may have to put that off until my next cycle. We have to time everything around the few days that the lab is closed. Because of the chemical pregnancy last cycle, I'm not really sure when to expect to start.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ours was filled with family and friends, lots of love and great food and fabulous weather....and lots of orange and blue in support of our 12-0 Auburn Tigers :)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

happy holiday week!

I'm very, very excited about this upcoming week! So many things to look forward to...first and foremost, my daddy and step-mom are coming down from the Midwest for Thanksgiving! I am definitely a daddy's girl and I miss him very much. Since I moved south (almost 5 years ago--wow!) I've only seen him a few times a year and that's just not enough. He's come down for Thanksgiving the past three years and I love getting my daddy all to myself and I love hosting Thanksgiving! My dad is a work-a-holic so it is nice to get him away from home so he can relax. And, as I mentioned, I LOVE hosting Thanksgiving! I love to cook, I love to host people, I love to plan and schedule and go crazy with it all. And Thanksgiving provides the perfect opportunity for all of that. I get to plan not only our Thanksgiving menu but the menu for the whole week while they are here--and we tend to indulge a little bit more with our menu when we have guests ;) I get to plan a massive shopping list, a cleaning schedule, my Thanksgiving meal making-schedule...ahhhhh Sharpies, lists and legal pads...I'm a happy girl! Just in case you are curious, here is the menu for the week once my daddy gets here:

Wednesday
Breakfast-out to Cracker Barrel...my daddy loves it and they don't have Cracker Barrel's back home
Lunch-ham and swiss sliders in a poppy seed mustard sauce, chips and dip
Dinner-out to our favorite little local bar/grille...they have the BEST sweet potato fries!

Thursday--THANKSGIVING!
Breakfast-pumpkin bread
Lunch-Appetizers: creamy crab dip with grilled bread, pumpkin pie dip with gingersnaps
Main: turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, mac and cheese, sauteed green beans, hot fruit salad, rolls, stuffing Dessert: chocolate cheesecake and pumpkin pie with homemade whipped cream

Friday
Breakfast-eggs, sausage and hashbrowns
Lunch and Dinner-we will be over at our friends' house to watch the Iron Bowl and will be snacking on leftovers and appetizer type food

Saturday
Breakfast-baked oatmeal with apples and cranberries
Lunch-bacon and chicken wild rice soup
Dinner-out to the local pub to celebrate my dad's birthday


I'm also looking forward to vacation this week...working for a university has a few awesome benefits and holiday time is one of them! We are off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. And hopefully we close early on Tuesday! I need a break from that place...a few days off to rest up and gear up for an insanely busy December.

I'm also OBVIOUSLY looking forward to our IVF meeting on Tuesday!!! I can't wait to find out what our protocol is, our schedule, talk more about our chances of success...ahhh it is all so overwhelming but so, so exciting. At the same time, I can't believe we are here. I can't believe we are really about to (and have to) do IVF. I'd be completely lying if I said I didn't think it would ever get this far. Even through everything, I always thought I'd get pregnant through some less invasive procedure. And I guess I did and maybe could again, but the whole waiting out the season thing is just too much for me to take.

Yesterday I had a crazy thought...I actually thought I was pregnant. I woke up feeling a little off and SUPER thirsty..just like last month. Of course my first thought was "I'm PREGNANT!"...then I realized I'd had at least 6 glasses of wine the night before and surely that would account for me feeling off and being thirsty. The Coach still thinks I'm pregnant because of the irony of it all...we finally decide to do IVF and BAM!...but I don't believe it any more. The wine has worn off and sanity has returned. It hasn't happened in over 2.5 years on its own and only once during a seriously heavily medicated cycle, it WON'T happen on its own.

On that note, the note of my craziness, I need to get started on my cleaning schedule! My daddy will be here in T-2 days! Woo-hoo!

Have a fabulous Holiday Week!!

xoxo

The Coach's Wife

Friday, November 19, 2010

well...so...um...IVF

Yea, The Coach and I have decided to do IVF.

WHAT?!?

I know, I know...crazy.

Basically, my Thrombosis Profile came back normal...no clotting disorders. So now I want to see my egg quality. And with The Coach's season looming, meaning another 7+ month break where we can do nothing, I need something big, something big to keep me sane. And that is IVF! If, God forbid, our fresh cycle doesn't work, hopefully we'd have a few frozen embryos to do a FET or two in the spring, and The Coach doesn't have to be around for those like he does for an IUI.

So I'm meeting with my RE on Tuesday to go over everything...our protocol, when stuff will start, if I need to re-do any tests (HSG, SIS)...


WHOA.

Off to happy to our celebrate and drown my nerves!

Monday, November 15, 2010

ahhhh hello again..

I realize it has been awhile since I've last posted anything...so sorry about that. There just hasn't been much to blog about, to be honest.

Still waiting on the blood results from my thrombosis profile. I'm pretty sure I ovulated for the first time on my own this cycle. And on Saturday our team won the SEC West and we are headed to the conference championship game in Atlanta in December! Woo-hoo!

Work has been crazy...getting ready for Thanksgiving, my dad and step-mom are coming down.


And I still miss my baby. I still think about my baby and short-lived pregnancy daily. And I'm still sad.

Monday, November 8, 2010

tomorrow

I have an appointment at the RE's office tomorrow morning. It will be the first time I've been there since the morning of my negative beta that confirmed the pregnancy was lost. I'm absolutely dreading it. I can't believe we are back at square one and I'm going to have to go through all of this again...maybe even go through it all more than once.

I know the receptionist and the nurses will be sympathetic. I know they will look at me with pity and I hate that. I really should be going in for my first ultrasound and instead I'm having blood drawn to see if we can figure out why my baby died. How depressing.

I still don't know if I want the results of the Thrombosis Profile to show us a reason why we lost the baby or if I'd rather not have another complication and diagnosis to deal with. But I guess I don't get a choice. And the results will be the results and I'll have to deal...either way.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

distractions

The Coach has done a very good job of providing me with a lot of distractions from the situation this weekend. Friday night we went out to the local grille and then the pub with some friends...we drank, we danced, we had fun. Saturday we had to get up SUPER early (for a Saturday) to make it to the tailgate before our homecoming game. For the first time in a long, long time I was seriously hungover. Honestly...it was nice. Granted I'd rather not be able to drink at all but, since I can, it was a fun time. We had a great time at the tailgate and game, although it was COLD! And enjoyed another win...10-0 baby! :) We went out again last night to celebrate our win and our biggest rival's loss. Good day!

Today we went out for lunch and then cleaned the house. I've been in a good mood, I've been happy and I really haven't thought about everything that has happened lately. I'll never "get over it", I'll never forget and I'll certainly never accept what happened and all we've been through in the last 2.5 years but maybe I'm starting to learn to live with it. And, for me, that is progress.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

today I feel like

a complete and utter failure. I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down. Constantly. I just don't feel confident in myself at all right now.

I've let my job down. I just have zero interest or motivation right now. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be working. All I want is to be at home, in my bed, crying or sleeping. To be frank, recruiting other people's kids to come to this great college just isn't fun for me right now.

I've let my friends down. I'm not happy. I'm not social. I don't want to hang out or go to the bar or tailgate and talk about happy, fun things. I want to be in bed and away from the world.

I've let my dad down. We aren't going home for Christmas (almost 2,000 miles away) because we need to be here so we can cycle [again] in December. If this last pregnancy would have stuck we could be going home. But no. And now I'm letting him down...he's sad and I'm ruining his Christmas.

I've let my mother-in-law down. She wants a grandchild so, so badly and I can't give that to her. I couldn't manage to get pregnant and now I can't manage to stay pregnant.

I've let myself down. I like to be motivated, happy, successful and accomplished. And right now, I'm none of those things. And what bothers me the most is that I don't really care. If my boss came up to me right now and said "You are fired"..I probably wouldn't be too upset. That is so not me.

But what hurts the most is that I've let my husband down. I'm not the happy, social, care-free, energetic person he married. I'm depressed, sad, a loner and constantly stressed. Infertility has taken over my life and changed who I am. And I hate that for him. I can't give him the family he wants, I can't make him happy and I don't feel good about myself at all which is starting to affect our marriage.

I just feel like such a disappointment to everything and everyone. I feel sorry for the people that have to be around me. I feel sorry for my dad that I'm his daughter. I feel sorry for my mother-in-law that I'm her daughter-in-law. I feel sorry for my husband who has to be married to me. I feel sorry for my baby who had to have me as a mother. And I feel sorry for myself that I'm letting everyone and everything I care about down.

Today I am a failure.

Monday, November 1, 2010

::yawn::

So sleepy. Today is my first day at work since last Wednesday and I'm struggling. Big time. I really haven't done much lately other than lay on the couch and rest so this is a lot for me right now. And it has been a crazy day..lots of troubleshooting an playing catch up.

I scheduled my Thrombosis Profile today. I'm going in next Tuesday. I can't decide what I want from this test...do I want to find something so that I can have a reason (and maybe some closure) for my failed pregnancy? And the results show that there is something wrong that we can treat, which would maybe lessen my anxiety about cycling again? Maybe. But part of me also hopes nothing is wrong. We have enough stuff to deal with. I guess we will find out. I'm really not looking forward to going back there. I know I'll get looks of pity and I hate that.

After my panic attack on Sunday morning I feel like I've been doing a lot better. I definitely have bouts of sadness and I always miss my baby but I haven't really cried since the attack. The Coach and I even managed to watch last week's episode of Bill and Giuliana..the episode when they found out they lost their baby. And I made it through without crying. Tonight's episode will probably be really tough to watch but I still want to watch it. The Coach doesn't understand why I put myself through it but, in a strange way, it is nice. I saw on the previews that she asks if there is anything that she could have done differently, talks about blame and a lot of the things I'm feeling and dealing with. I hate that they are going through it but is beneficial for me, I believe, to see someone else go through it to see how they cope and endure. I promise I don't mean that in the sadistic way that it probably sounds.

I can't believe tomorrow marks two weeks from my positive HPT. I know I've said it before but it seriously feels like a lifetime has passed. Only two weeks.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

panic attack

This morning was not good. I had a horrible panic attack...the first one I've had in a long time. The Coach and I went to bed around 11:00 last night and I was wide awake at 1:30 and never fell back asleep. The Coach's alarm was set to go off at 4:00 so he could hit the road recruiting and between the time when I woke up and his alarm went off I had just laid in bed and thought about everything...how much I miss my baby, how much I miss my normal life, how upset I am at myself for putting my wonderful husband through this, how scared I am that this will never happen again...that this pregnancy was my one and only and lasted all of a week. And I could feel the panic building up inside of me...my chest was getting tight, I felt like I was going to puke, my arms were achy and numb...and when The Coach went to get out of bed I told him I felt like I was about to have an attack and then I LOST it.

I laid in bed and cried hysterically for quite sometime. I couldn't breath, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop my body from shaking like crazy...it was awful. The Coach managed to calm me down and I was back to normal before he left. But once he walked out of the door it started again and I had this horrible, overwhelming feeling that something was going to happen to him on his long drive today. He's exhausted. He's had very late nights and very early mornings at work lately and has also worked every weekend for as long as I can remember. And then this horrible emotional rollercoaster he's been on and dealing with me...he's just completely exhausted. I called him twice before he probably even got on the interstate asking if he was ok...I was just so worked up and so scared that something was going to happen to him....

I finally calmed myself down and managed to get a few hours of sleep. I need to get off the couch and busy myself for distraction purposes. I need to clean this house, do laundry, go to the grocery store and I want to do a little shopping...but my feet feel like blocks of cement and pushing around the vacuum cleaner seems to require much more energy than I can imagine putting forth.

Friday, October 29, 2010

my WTF

I just had my WTF appointment with my RE (if you don't know, a WTF appointment is exactly what you think it is--What The Fuck...as in, what went wrong) and she gave me a lot to think about.

First, she said that even though it doesn't seem like it, this pregnancy is a very positive sign. It shows us that my eggs and The Coach's sperm can meet and fertilize. Obviously the result wasn't what we wanted but she said they have statistical data that shows once someone (in my age bracket) achieves any type of pregnancy once, they have a higher chance of achieving pregnancy again in the future. It gives us a better prognosis for the future. She also said that in my age bracket, each pregnancy has a 20-25% chance or resulting in a chemical pregnancy, if there are no known problems (chromosome abnormalities, clotting disorders, ect.). So, essentially she said what I was expecting...we likely [hopefully] just fell on the wrong side of a bad statistic.

She also mentioned that, of course, they don't know for sure where the pregnancy occurred and started to implant (uterus versus fallopian tubes) because there was no ultrasound performed. She said that research shows that 98% of chemical pregnancies do form in the uterus, which is a good thing.

She finds it "interesting" that I did get pregnant my first month on my new protocol (adding in the Menopur) and that the Menopur must have done the trick.

We discussed my "low progesterone" during the pregnancy and she confirmed what many wonderful ladies on the message board I frequent had told me...that progesterone suppositories get the progesterone where it is needed (the uterus) and therefore isn't accurately reflected in blood work. She said they have found that typically, while on supps, the progesterone is actually 6x higher than the blood work shows. She did say, however, that in the future they would start me on 3 suppositories per day immediately instead of one. That's when I asked her about PIO shots instead of suppositories and she said "Knowing you and your personality, I'm sure hearing the actual progesterone level number is what you want so if you'd like to do PIO instead of supps, that's fine with me". Ha! She knows I'm psycho...

She said they really don't recommend doing any testing (karyotyping or RPL testing) until 2 loses. But, again, knowing me and my personality, she said she would go ahead and approve a thrombosis profile right now so I'll be scheduling that next week.

Her recommendation is to take this month off, go in with my next period for a baseline and if all is well, cycle again using the 150iu Follistim+150iu Menopur+1cc PIO. Then if that cycle is unsuccessful, she wants to go ahead with the lap/hysteroscopy in January to check for scar tissue, uterus issues and endo. If this next cycle were to result in another chemical, she'd also add in the karyotyping and RPL.

I'm still pretty uninterested in doing another cycle but The Coach really wants to and our RE said she is hopeful. When I was telling The Coach about the WTF appointment he said he heard optimism in my voice...hmmmm...

I will definitely do the thrombosis profile and go in for a baseline to check for cysts with my next period. Beyond that, I can't promise anything right now.

At the end of the conversation my RE told me "Hang in there sweetie...stay with her and we will get through this..."

I guess I need to try to believe her....

Thursday, October 28, 2010

already gone

My beta is already negative. The baby is already gone.


My nurse said my doctor will be calling me tomorrow to discuss this "pregnancy" with me and answer any questions I have. Which is a waste of time, if you ask me, because she will have no idea what happened. Except that I killed my baby and I'm not supposed to be a mom.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

recap

Here is a recap of the last week of my life:

Tuesday, October 19th 9:30 p.m.--Two positive HPTs
Wednesday, October 20th 4:00 a.m.--Two negative HPTs
Wednesday, October 20th 1:30 p.m.--Positive beta call...17.3, progesterone low at 10
Thursday, October 21st 9:20 a.m.--Bleeding begins
Friday, October 22nd 6:00 a.m.--One positive HPT, bleeding continues
Friday, October 22nd 3:30 p.m.--Beta still climbing, now at 27.9, progesterone lower at 5.8
Saturday, October 23rd All Day--Bleeding increases and darkens
Saturday, October 23rd: 10:00 p.m.--First PIO shot
Sunday, October 24th 9:00 p.m.--One positive HPT, bleeding stops
Monday, October 25th 2:00 p.m.--Beta call in...didn't double at 32.8, progesterone up to 22.9
Monday, October 25th 4:30 p.m.--Bleeding returns and increases in amount and darkness
Tuesday, October 26th All Day--Bleeding tappers off
Wednesday, October 27th 8:00 a.m.--Spotting returns

Seriously...how could I have gone through all of that in only one week?

My third beta is tomorrow morning. I'm assuming that when my nurse calls me in the afternoon, I'll be told the pregnancy is over. I've decided to take a mental health day tomorrow so I can be home to get my bad news. The Coach can't be home with me because his last two fall games are tomorrow afternoon/night so he needs to be at work. I couldn't decide which was worse...to be at home, alone, when I get the news or to be at work and have to pretend everything is ok. After going to through the hell that was Monday afternoon, pretending everything was ok at work, I've decided to take the day off.

I know lots of wonderful people out there are keeping their fingers crossed and their hopes up for us but, in reality, there is no point. No way can this pregnancy be successful with only a 5 point increase in my beta in three days. I know this. I'm starting to accept it. If "accepting it" is even possible...I no longer feel pregnant. I know it is over. But I'm not ok. And I don't know that I'll ever be ok. I never, ever want to experience this again and since no one can promise me that I won't miscarry again, I'm pretty sure my TTC journey has come to an end. The Coach wants to keep trying...he sees this as slightly positive...if I got pregnant once, I can get pregnant again. I can't be so positive.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

one week

One week ago today I got my first ever BFP. How in the hell has it only been a week? I know I turned a year older yesterday but I feel like I've aged 10 years this past week...

I can't believe that a week ago today we were experiencing the highest high of our lives and now I'm essentially waiting for this baby to die. What a cruel world.

I know the pain and the emotions are raw at this point, but I'm nearly positive I never want to do this again. I never want to cycle again, I never want to be pregnant again. It is pretty clear that I'm not supposed to be a mother so why continue to put ourselves through this? The doctors appointments, the traveling all over the state, the shots, the meds, the emotional pain, the physical pain, the monetary expense...what's the point? It isn't meant to be. I'm a big believer in signs and fate and unfortunately I've had too many signs telling me that living childless is my fate.

Even though yesterday was one of the worst days of my life, and by far the worst birthday I've ever had and probably will ever have, I have the most amazing husband in the world. The Coach did his best to make my birthday as good as it could be. When I walked in the front door last night there were two bouquets of flowers on our foyer table. One was a sympathy/encouragement bouquet and the other was for my birthday. Each had a beautiful card, with a beautiful message and a sweet note from The Coach inside. Then he lead me into the bedroom where, on our fireplace mantel, under a wedding picture, was a third bouquet of flowers--pink roses because I love pink and he loves me....

I flat out don't deserve him. He is so, so good to me and I'm just a huge disappointment. He deserves so much better.

Why the fuck is this happening to me....to us....to him....? Maybe I do deserve it but he certainly doesn't...

Monday, October 25, 2010

bad news

Of course. Because why would anything ever work out?

My beta didn't rise properly. It only went up to 32.8. It should have been up to 55.8.

My nurse said the same lines of bullshit I've been hearing for a week...we just don't know...we have no answers...it is still possible to work out, albeit a slim possibility...there is nothing anyone can do....

STFU.

I killed my baby. Its over. I know it. I tried for 2.5 years to get to this point. I gave it everything I had and then I end up killing my own baby.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

ADDICTED!

Hello, my name is The Coach's Wife and I'm addicted to peeing on things. Really only home pregnancy tests. In the past 6 days I've peed on 10 sticks. All but two have been positive. I just peed on another one...and the line came up instantly and is super dark. I peed in the cup, The Coach dipped the test and as soon as he was done with the dip I walked out into the kitchen. Not even 30 seconds later he came in with a huge thumbs up sign. This is the same brand I got my first + on when I tested last Tuesday and it took a good 3 minutes to come up and the test line was pretty faint.

So I'm choosing to remain hopeful. I'm praying that the spotting is just a result of the progesterone supps and nothing more serious. I'm also going to beg and plead to switch to PIO shots exclusively tomorrow. I just don't see why I can't...

Maybe I'll get a little sleep tonight...

Maybe..

Oh and to the companies of ClearBlue Easy Results, First Response Early Response, First Response Gold Digital and EPT Pregnancy Test...I am definitely helping to keep you in business. And you are very welcome. Now, continue to show me positives!!!

for the first time ever..

I can't wait for this weekend to be over. I can't wait for my beta tomorrow. Of course I want, more than ANYTHING, for the results to be good but I'm really ready for this beta limbo bullshit to be over. It has really, really taken its toll on me. My nerves are completely shot. I'm emotionally exhausted. It is all I can think about. It is hell.

I've had quite a bit of spotting over the weekend. Yesterday The Coach and I were up on campus for the game and we were at his teams' tailgate before the game and I went to the bathroom and for the first time there was actually red, not pink, blood. And there was blood on the pantyliner. I practically lost it.

Then after the game we walked downtown for a tradition that is uniquely ours after wins and while 50,000+ people were celebrating and ecstatic, I could feel myself bleeding. It was horrible. Our team won the game, after knocking off the only other undefeated team in our conference and even with such a big, exciting win, I was totally miserable.

I'm really trying to believe the bleeding is because I'm irritated from the progesterone suppositories I'm pumping myself full of three days a day. I pray to God that is all the bleeding is. On Friday, after getting the results of my lowered progesterone, I asked my nurse if I could switch to PIO (Progesterone in Oil) shots instead of the suppositories. The suppositories are obviously causing irritation, even if it isn't causing the bleeding, and many people swear the with suppositories the progesterone goes straight to where it is needed (the baby) and thus isn't accurately reflected in blood work, hence the low blood work. I asked my nurse about this and she didn't really give me a straight answer...but it didn't seem like she really believed that claim. She told me I could switch to PIO but that they couldn't get it to me over the weekend. DAMN!

Last night I did my first PIO shot. How, you ask? Since my clinic was unable to get me the meds? A wonderful, wonderful friend of mine from Michigan had some leftover PIO from her [successful!!] IVF cycle that she so kindly overnighted to me! I talked with my nurse yesterday and she said I absolutely should do the shots as well as the suppositories. I'm so glad she approved it....I really hope this helps my progesterone levels tomorrow.

I really haven't had any of the pregnancy symptoms I'd been having so that freaks me out. The Coach has researched and researched and keeps telling me that doesn't matter, that symptoms will come and go. Of course I know that but man, this beta hell and early pregnancy really makes a person crazy ;)

Please send any and all thoughts, prayers, sticky vibes, ect. that you have to us tomorrow. Beta draw is at 8:30....it is going to be another insanely long day...I plan to POAS sometime tonight and I'm terrified...

Friday, October 22, 2010

still in hell

My beta finally came in at 3:30...not very good news. My beta is only at 27.9 so it definitely didn't double. And my progesterone actually dropped. And is now way too low.

The nurse said that things are still touch and go...could go either way...but to expect to bleed a lot this weekend and that it isn't really looking all that good.

My heart is literally broken...why does this all have to be so fucking hard?

ahhhhhhh!!

Well, I have no beta results yet. And since it is 3:30 on a Friday afternoon, I'm assuming I won't be getting my beta results. The office closed at 2:00. There is isn't anyway I can contact anyone, except the on-call nurse, and she doesn't have access to results and records.


I guess I'll be waiting until Monday for my results...


I AM SO PISSED!


Especially because my nurse did call at 12:30 to give me the results of my urine analysis..and I asked her for my beta results and she seemed confused...asked when my beta was drawn. I told her this morning and she said the results should be in within the hour.


I can not believe this is happening...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

34.6

or higher is the number we need to hear tomorrow.

I'm so scared the number we hear will be less than that.

I already love this baby so much...I'm trying not to get too attached but it is so hard because I feel pregnant and I have a connection to this baby already.

I can not lose this baby.....


beta hell

Is truly hell. That's the only way to describe it. The emotional roller coaster that we've been on for the last 48 hours...I honestly wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I went from complete dread---dreading peeing on that stick and seeing another BFN to complete joy and shock when I saw that it was positive to absolutely terrified when I did see those negative tests to extreme nervousness when I heard my (low) beta number. Whew...it is exhausting just to replay that all in my mind...

Speaking of exhaustion, I am definitely feeling it. I'm sure it is a combination of stress, fear, lack of sleep and, hopefully, pregnancy. All I want to do is sleep.

I had a little scare this morning...when I went to the bathroom the toilet paper was pink. I was convinced it was over. Positive. Sure of it. But that was all of the blood that I saw. I put a fresh liner in immediately and am going on 9 hours and there still isn't anything on it. I'm hoping and praying it was just irritation from the progesterone supps.

I really just wish it was Friday afternoon and we knew what was going on. This limbo is killer.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

welllllllll...

My beta is POSITIVE!

:)

But it is a low positive. It is currently at 17.3. Which is low. They want it at/above 20. So it could go either way. My progesterone level is low so I'm upping my dosage of that.

I just had a feeling all day...I felt pregnant. The second I answered the beta call I knew it was positive..my nurse sounded completely different than she has for my negative betas. First question she asked me was "Are you driving?"...HA!

She gave me the whole speech about how it could go either way..she's seen lower betas work out and higher betas not work out. There is no perfect science.

At first they wanted me to go back for my second beta on Monday. During the process of the conversation she said "Honey, I can HEAR you shaking...come in on Friday, dear!" WHEW! Especially because Monday is my birthday.

I'm oddly calm about this all. And that is NOT my personality at all. I really feel at peace with this. After 2.5 years, I'm finally pregnant! I really think I may just have a late implanter. And 12dpiui is kind of early...

My nurse was encouraged that I've had no bleeding or spotting so that's a plus. And my symptoms are significantly stronger every day.

The Coach is happy. Excited. Cautious. He's very calm and matter-of-fact about it. But we both feel good.

And, for now at least, I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!

are you effing KIDDING ME?

I woke up at 4:30 this morning to test with FMU before The Coach had to leave for work outs.

The same kind of digi that gave me a + last night gave me a - this morning. WITH FMU!

I'm positive last night was a fluke. But how in the hell does someone get TWO clear positives and then some 6 hours later get a negative?

The Coach skipped works out and headed out to the store to buy me more things to pee on. But I'm sure it is over.


FML. Seriously.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

O...M....G

The Clearblue line test had a DARK second line.

The FRER digi said "Yes".

The EPT line test has a very, very faint second line (practically invisible unless held under BRIGHT light).


OMG

OMG

Last October I got a false + so I'm absolutely terrified right now.



The second The Coach walked in from practice I burst into tears. And he said "Don't cry yet--GO PEE!". So I peed in a cup, stuck the test in and the first line and the control line showed up immediately. The Coach said "I'm sorry" and walked out of the bathroom. And I continued to look at the test and then yelled for him to get back in there "I SWEAR I see a second line!".

He saw it too.

I sent him out for a digi.

Check Spelling

OMG


Prayers, thoughts, vibes, whatevers PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!

sick

I feel positively sick right now. I'm hours away from POAS and I'm terrified. I plan to do it when The Coach gets home from his late practice (probably around 10:00) and I'm already shaking. I have moments where I just know I'm pregnant and then moments when I'm certain this didn't, and never will, work.

If you have any positive vibes, baby dust, prayers, thoughts, whatever to send our way, we'd really appreciate them. Beta blood draw is scheduled for 8:30 tomorrow morning. I should have the results of the blood work within the next 24 hours.

Monday, October 18, 2010

no confidence...

I'll be honest here...I thought I was pregnant. I really, truly, honestly thought this IUI worked. I thought this was it. I thought this was going to give us our baby. Make all of our dreams come true. End this nightmare. Until this morning. Now I have zero confidence. I'm positive it didn't work. It hasn't in the past, why would it now?

I swear I was feeling things..symptoms, things in my body changing, and my heart told me I was pregnant. Today...nothing. Even my extreme thirstiness I've had for the past week is gone. The oily hair is gone. Boobs don't hurt any more. Just exhaustion...which I always have--thank you very much progesterone!

The Coach is still confident..he says he just "feels" it. Shit. Now I'm really going to break his heart. I feel physically ill with the thought of letting him down again. I'm going to have to tell him tomorrow night that it is negative and I'm going to have to call him Wednesday afternoon after I get my beta call and confirm. And I don't want to do it. There is only one thing in my life that I've wanted to do less than making this call and that was the absolute worst thing that ever happened in my life.

And yet, I'm positive I'll have to do it. I just want to go home, crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

so sad..

The weekend is almost over :(

I live for the weekend. And this one was especially great...

The Coach had recruits on campus all weekend so that means we go out to eat on Friday and Saturday night, on the university's dime, for fabulous food...two of my favorite restaurants in town! Saturday we had a home football game and we destroyed our competition...moving up in the polls! One of the few remaining unbeaten teams in the country and it feels GOOD!

I'm basically trying to do anything and everything to keep my mind off of this possible pregnancy, my beta Wednesday and whether or not I'll be testing ahead of time. I've been having some "symptoms" lately but who knows if it is my mind or anything real. I've been insanely thirsty lately. Like I take a big gulp of water and instantly my mouth is dry and I'm dying for a drink. This is very new for me...I'm not a big drinker [unless we are talking martinis or wine] and can usually sip on my bottle of water all day long without needing to refill. Friday I refilled three times and had a Sprite while at work. Hmmmm...

I'm trying not to let this go to my head...maybe it is the weather changing...maybe I'm just dehydrated...maybe it is my mind running wild...or maybe...just maybe...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

torture

Not only am I exhausted but I'm also torturing myself by watching Sister Wives--the episode where Christine gives birth.

And all I can think is how badly I want that. How amazing and incredible and unique that experience is.

And also how much I want to be able to give The Coach a baby and how much of a disappointment I am for not being able to.

EXHAUSTED

I have no energy. I have no drive. All I want to do is sleep. Curl up in my nice, big, warm, fluffy bed with my furbabies and sleep.

I hate progesterone. HATE, HATE, HATE.

But, as I say about everything, if it works it will be worth it.

Until then, I'm miserable on it and I hate it.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Happy Columbus Day!

Unless of course you are like me and had to work...not really much celebration of this fine holiday when you are stuck in the office for 10+ hours. ::sigh::

I had a fabulous weekend! I did a whole lot of nothing. I spent the vast majority of the weekend on the couch, relaxing and watching football. And boy was it a good weekend of football! If you know anything about college football you know which team, prior to this weekend, was #1 team in the country. You also know that they went down this weekend! Which is fabulous for me because I'm a huge fan of their biggest rival! And we won our game! For the first time in a long time we have a better record than they do and are ranked higher in the polls than they are! YAY!

The Coach got home late on Saturday night, just in time to see our team kick the game winning field goal. We also spent the better part of yesterday on the couch relaxing. Hopefully that helps promote a pregnancy!

The Coach has also started "talking to the baby". Awwww...he tells the baby how much he already loves it, how much he wants it to stick around, how he will coach that little baby into a premier athlete...:) Precious.

9 days until my beta...I'm trying to decide if I should pee on a stick or not this cycle. Normally I HATE to POAS..I avoid it at all costs and usually only do it the night before my beta. I do that because I don't want to think I have a BFP and then get the call of a BFN while at work. But last cycle I tested earlier than that. And I tested a lot. And we all know how that worked out...anyone have any opinions or advice?

Friday, October 8, 2010

October 20th

is the day we will find out if this IUI worked.

Everything went really well with the IUI this morning! The Coach's pre-wash sample had 198 million motile sperm and his post-wash count was 23 million. He was a little disappointed because his sample for our August IUI had 37 million post-wash count but the NP assured him that 23 million is really awesome and everything is fine. She said they want 2-5 million so to have 23 million is obviously great by their standards. I think that made him feel a little better...

After the IUI we did an ultrasound which showed the pool of semen sitting literally right in the middle of my three biggest follies. So, they've found the follies now hopefully they continue to be aggressive and push into those follies.

When we got home The Coach had to pack up and hit the road again to catch his flight. I'm spending the rest of the day today and all day tomorrow relaxing on the couch, with the dogs, watching TV --lots of football!



I'm still trying really hard to not get my hopes up too high but, sheesh, it is really hard. It is like a light switch...the second the sample is injected I automatically think I'm pregnant or something and start talking about "the baby" and stuff like that. The Coach scolded me and told me it will only make a BFN that much harder but I don't really think it matters. BFNs are insanely hard regardless and it is kind of nice to be blissfully naive about all of this...

Thursday, October 7, 2010

literally game time...

...for The Coach! His team starts their fall games today...I absolutely can not believe it is time for this again. It feels like we just finished his season! (His sport plays fall games in October--DI schools are allowed to play 8 games during the month but they can not play any other DI schools and they can not travel so area community colleges and DIIs come to campus to play. Their "real" games go from February-June.) It just blows my mind that it is time for this again.

I triggered last night and it was a very uneventful trigger (which is good!) and now we just wait. It is so strange..for the first week or so of a cycle it is craziness..appointment after appointment, shot, medication, yada yada and then you get here..you trigger and you wait. For the IUI. And then after the IUI you wait again. For the beta (granted, during this time I do progesterone suppositories but that is nothing to be excited about). It is all hurry up and wait! Much like my job is...

Anyway, The Coach was able to change his flights to New Jersey to accomodate our IUI so he is flying out tomorrow night at 7:00. That will give us plenty of time to get to the clinic (we have to leave our house at 5am--ugh!), do the IUI --taking into consideration that the main clinic is always running behind--get out of there, maybe grab lunch/breakfast and take our time getting home. There will be NO STRESS for me tomorrow and that is exactly what I was going for. Realistically there is no reason for me to take off of work tomorrow but I just wanted to. It is so stressful trying to rush to get back from the main clinic, especially when my boss is blowing up my phone with issues, problems, concerns, questions...

I plan to spend my night tomorrow and my day Saturday on the couch, relaxing. The Coach has a late flight home on Saturday night so I'll be watching football all day on my own.

I normally don't do this but, please, if y'all have any thoughts/vibes/prayers/whatever to send our way, I'd really appreciate it. I'm afraid The Coach is getting his hopes up a little too high for this cycle because of the improvements the Menopur has caused and I just don't know that I can handle seeing him crushed again. Especially with another surgery and another 8 month break looming in our future.

I also want to thank all of you for reading my blog and for the support you've shown me. As many of you know, infertility is an extremely painful and often times isolating journey and it helps me more than you will ever know when I think of the people that are supporting us. We have chosen not to really share our infertility with many in real life (only The Coach's parents know, my boss and two really good friends of ours) so it helps to have all of the support we can get.

Much love and appreciation,

The Coach's Wife

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

good to go!

At my ultrasound this morning we saw one follie at 18, two that were very close to 18 and one that was a clear 17! Woo-hoo! My E2 is at 1,066 and my progesterone is at 1.0.

Trigger tonight at 9:00 and we have to be at the clinic at 8:00 am on Friday for The Coach to give his sample. IUI is set for 9:30.

I'm really happy with my bloodwork and ultrasound results but I'm trying very hard to not get my hopes up too high this cycle....

I just really don't want to have to have another surgery and go through another 8 month break because of The Coach's crazy season schedule.

Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease let this be it for us. Please.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

say WHAT?!?

My blood work from today's monitoring appointment just came in...my E2 level is at 719!!! This is huge. This is ginormous. This is monumental!! Before this cycle it never got out of the 300s. OMG! (And my progesterone is at .8, which is also good.)

During the ultrasound this morning we saw three really good follies...a clear 16 and two that were close to 16 (for those who don't know, once a follicle gets to 18 it is considered to be mature). There were a few other smaller follies that likely won't mature. So my plan is to do one more night of Follistim and Menopur (even though it is the devil--it is helping!) and go back tomorrow morning for more blood work and another ultrasound.

Of course this puts a kink in The Coach's plans...you see, he was booked on the first flight out on Friday morning to go on a recruiting trip because he thought our IUI would be Thursday. Well now it will be Friday (most likely--definitely not before Friday) so he needs to be around at least for the morning on Friday to give his sample. Meaning he had to change his plans. That's what is so hard about all of this..nothing is ever known ahead of time, everything always changes and you can't count on what happened one cycle to ever happen again.

But The Coach said he'd make it work and my E2 is at 719!!! Woo-hoo!

Monday, October 4, 2010

a pain in my ass!

Seriously...these IM Menopur shots are exactly that--a pain in my ass!

The Coach has given me IM shots before, all of my previous triggers were IM and often times I'd be sore the next day but nothing too bad. I've always iced before the shot and I've never felt the needle go in or penetrate my muscle or anything...so assumed the Menopur would be the same. Well, you know what they say about assuming...

It HURTS! The ice does nothing. I feel the whole thing. I seriously don't know how women do PIO shots (progesterone in oil) for weeks and weeks when they achieve pregnancy. OUCH!

But, even though it hurts, I'm not really complaining. If the Menopur is what does the trick then, by all means, it will have been worth it. But I am ready for my monitoring appointment to find out how things are going...8:30 tomorrow morning!

Friday, October 1, 2010

total meltdown

I absolutely lost it last night. I was a complete and utter mess. Crying, sobbing, shaking, hysterical.

Over what, you ask? The wrong needles. Mmhmm...I know, I sound like a lunatic. Well, the story goes like this...on Wednesday when I was at the clinic, and we decided to add the Menopur, I specifically asked the NP about the Menopur injections, where to do them and if they were to be done Sub Q or IM. She said Sub Q in the abdomen...just like Follistim. I was kind of surprised, I had assumed it would be IM. But she said Sub Q. She even gave me the meds I needed for Wednesday night and two Sub Q needles to use. And then she placed my entire order with the pharmacy, for the rest of my meds and needles.

Last night when I got home from work (at almost 8:00--uugh!) and opened up my box of meds and all that was included was IM needles. And every label on every baggie said "Inject Menopur IM, per doctor's instructions." Um, what? I was told Sub Q the day before! And I did the Menopur Sub Q on Wednesday night...per my NP. And now this is something entirely different. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to mess up this medication. So I called the RE answering service and a nurse called me back fairly quickly. She told me that normally they recommend Menopur to be done IM and she didn't know why the NP told me (and gave me) Sub Q. She said that I should definitely switch to IM...that it probably wouldn't hurt anything to do the shots Sub Q but that IM was better and they want me to do as many as I can the same way. Since I only had one more Sub Q needle but plenty of IM needles, she said go IM.

Now, I realize that I'm an IF-wimp right here but I can not give myself IM shots. Just can't. Up until last October I couldn't even look at a needle (even on TV!)...so for me to be able to give myself [Sub Q] shots is a major feat. Just not yet able to do IM. Maybe, maybe, maybe if I had time to prepare myself and all but not under these conditions. I was stressed and anxious and feeling sick. I needed The Coach home to do my shot for me. At 9:00. But, of course, he had late practice last night. I must have called him at least 20 times and texted him a good 10 times but he wasn't answering. Practice was "scheduled" to get over at 8:30 but, let's face it, the schedule means nothing. The next thing I knew it was 8:56 and he wasn't answering, wasn't home. And I lost it. I think everything just got to me. It was the first time I had any emotions about this cycle at all. And they all came...fast and hard. I was just sitting on the couch, hysterically crying when The Coach finally did call me back. He said he was on his way home and would be there by 9:30 and that everything would be fine.

But I was supposed to do my shot at 9:00. Now, the practical side of me says 30 minutes really can't matter all that much...in fact, for my Follistim, they said there was a 30 minute window. But the side of me that wants to be a mom more than anything...the side of me that has been trying to get pregnant for 2.5 years now...the side of me that just can't believe this is my reality couldn't be practical. And that side of me totally lost it.

I somehow managed to pull myself together enough to do my Follistim shot. And once The Coach got home (right at 9:30) he gave me my Menopur shot. And it hurt. He's given me IM shots before [trigger] and it has never hurt during or after but boy, did this one! My whole left side is still sore.

But it will all be worth it if this cycle gives us what we want more than anything. But, until then, my ass hurts.

And my head hurts from crying hysterically for an hour.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

$1600 for 6 days

That's the price of my new medication! My RE decided to add 150iu of Menopur to go along with my 150iu of Follistim for this IUI. Thankfully I have prescription coverage for Menopur (as well as for Follistim--a co-pay of $100 for each med). My insurance coverage is very spotty and strange..I have zero treatment coverage and lots of medications are not covered (progesterone, the trigger, ect.) but for some reason, Follistim and Menopur are. Those two meds alone, for 6 days of use, add up to over $3000. Insane. When the pharmacy rep told me I only had to pay the co-pay, I told her she made my day.

During our meeting my RE agreed (obviously) that we need to switch something up and thinks the Menopur may do the trick. Me? I'm not convinced. I'm a little more optimistic about this cycle than I was yesterday but still not optimistic enough to believe in this. We also discussed future treatment plans. If this IUI doesn't work my RE wants to do a lap to check for scar tissue. Essentially, in the past 5 years, I've had three surgeries on my ovaries (to remove cysts), a surgery to remove a uterine mass and surgery to remove my gallbladder. So the chances of having some scar tissue are very good. Whether or not that scar tissue is causing problems in terms of achieving pregnancy, we just don't know. My RE even suggested that we could put this cycle off and I could have my lap either this Friday or next Friday. While I'm ok with having my 6th surgery in 5 years, I'm not ready for it right now. So I asked to move forward with this cycle.

So that's where we are. We are switching up the game plan...we have a new strategy...a new plan of attack. Maybe, just maybe, our strategizing will pay off.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

game time!

It is on. Again. Back in the saddle. Whew.

This morning I went to my "local clinic" (local as in only an hour from my house, not 2.5 hours each way like the main clinic) and when I pulled into the parking lot I saw a huge sign on the front door. "We will be closed Thursday, October 7th and Friday, October 8th while we move to our new location." OF COURSE they would be closed--because that is exactly when my IUI will be! And it would be way, way too easy in our already ridiculously tight timeline for us to be able to just travel an hour each way for the IUI. Yea...now we have to go to the main clinic. 5 hours round trip. Seriously...where does my luck come from? Because it is straight up shit.

My baseline went well. My favorite technician did my ultrasound and the whole time we just talked about college football--we are both fans of the same team and it was so nice to have a comfortable, relaxing (well, as comfortable and relaxing as it can be when someone is sticking a dildo-cam up inside of you) ultrasound. She finished up and told me to meet her in her office and when I did she said "Let's order your meds!" and that was the first time she actually talked about my cycle..and it was nice! :)

While in her office I voiced my concerns about my previous E2 levels while cycling. I've always been told I've had 2-3 mature follicles and my clinic says that your E2 level should be between 200-300 per mature follie. But my E2 level has never really been over 300 so clearly there is some disconnect there. She looked back through my charts and told me that I was right, my levels were low...except when I cycled in June. My E2 was well above 500. She confirmed what I already knew--my best cycle ever was the one that was canceled because of my gallbladder issues. Are you kidding me? Seriously, worst luck ever.

She said that, in her opinion, we should probably switch up my protocol because this isn't really working. She said we could go ahead and try this IUI with the same protocol and set up a video conference with our RE to discuss some possible changes for the future. She recommended that if our RE does decide to switch up our protocol for our next IUI (should this one fail) that we really should try it one last time. Sometimes shaking the apple tree works...so we are having a video conference with our RE tomorrow to discuss this all. Part of me really hopes that she goes ahead and switches up my protocol (or at least my Follistim dosage) for this cycle but my meds are already ordered and will be here tomorrow (and I start stims tomorrow night) so it probably isn't likely.

So, tonight, while The Coach is at his late night practice, I guess I get to set up my stabbing station again. Which reminds me...I'm pretty sure I'm out of cotton swabs...

Monday, September 27, 2010

one last time

I guess we are going to try one more IUI. I really don't care to. I have zero faith that it will work. I don't know that I'm totally ready to give up TTC all together but, I don't see the point in doing an IUI and, at this time, I'm not willing to do IVF. But The Coach really wants to try one last time. And I can't deny him of that.

So today is CD 1. The problem (because, of course there is always a problem) is that in the past all of my IUIs have fallen on CD 11 or 12. CD 11 this cycle would be the first day of The Coach's fall season games. Making it very difficult for him to be out of the office all morning. CD 12 falls on the day The Coach is booked on the first flight out to go to New Jersey recruiting. We've talked about this, how bad the timing is and how it isn't really going to be possible with that schedule, but he still really wants to try. So he said he would change things if he has to...

I'm waiting on scheduling to call me back to schedule a baseline. I guess I'm back in the game. One last time. Final at bat (at least for the foreseeable future) and I'm terrified. Scared out of my mind. And totally depressed at the though (and likelihood) of another BFN.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

MIA

Yes, I realize I've been MIA. And I'm sorry. I just haven't had the heart, the time or the means to update. You see, my in-laws were in town for 4 days and we were busy entertaining them. Work has been nuts. And the internet at home has been very sketchy lately. And I'm still hurting. A lot. I just have zero faith and quite a few battle scars.

Because of the fact that I'm currently on BCP, I have nothing to update cycle-wise. I can't believe I've only been on BCP for a week..it seems like forever. It just sucks so, so much to have the desire to cycle but not be able to. This world is so, so cruel.

Obviously I'm not doing so well. I'm so bitter. So upset. So disappointed. I wish I had something more cheery to post about....



...but I don't.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

AF wasted no time

She showed up this morning. I have a feeling I have residual cysts leftover from my last cycle so I'm doing a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow morning. I was really hoping to get to go to the clinic for bloodwork on Thursday...I was just hoping it would be for my second beta because my first one was +. Instead I'm looking at starting another cycle (if there aren't any cysts, that is). The Coach really wants to try again. He's just so broken up over the fact that our "perfect cycle" didn't end perfectly. Since this last cycle really was our best chance ever, he wants to give it one more go. I'm fine with that. I just don't care when we do it. At all. We can do it now...we can do it in December...I couldn't care less. Just as long as we get it in before his season starts. So, if I don't have any cysts tomorrow, I'm sure we will go forward with what is likely to be our 4th and final IUI. If I do have cysts, I imagine I'll go on birth control pills for a month and then we will attempt the IUI in October.

We definitely want to have our WTF appointment (if you don't know, a WTF appointment is an appointment you have with your RE after a failed treatment cycle and it stands for exactly what you are wondering if it stands for) before making any final decisions about anything. She told us back in May that we could do up to 4 IUIs with Follistim (our first IUI was with Clomid) and this most recent one was our second with Follistim. I just don't know that I have it in me to do this two more times. I just don't believe it will give us our baby.

The Coach was so wonderful last night. He met me at the door with a huge glass of my favorite wine. Right behind him on our foyer table was a huge bouquet of orange and pink flowers (calla lilies--my favorite!). Of course I lost it then. I'd actually handled the news fairly well all day, didn't even shed one tear, until that moment..then The Coach told me to go get changed for dinner, that we were having my favorite comfort food (friend chicken and mac and cheese) and he was getting it ready. When I walked into our bedroom I saw another bouquet of flowers on my dressing table. A bouquet of pink flowers (again with some calla lilies) that is very similar to our wedding flowers. So, so sweet of him.

I cried most of the night away. I drank a large amount of wine. I didn't sleep well. However, today is a new day, a new month, the start of a new cycle and hopefully the beginning of the end. What I wouldn't give to have this be out BFP cycle.


Please, God, let it be out BFP cycle.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

NEGATIVE

Of course my beta was negative. Why would it be positive? I don't get pregnant. Ever.

I actually had The Coach take the results call from the doctor's office...I was in no mood to hear my nurse say "I'm so sorry..."

We have decided we will attempt one more IUI. Then, if that doesn't give us our baby, our journey on this road will be over. 2+ years, thousands of tears, hundreds of needles, countless procedures, thousands of dollars...and we will have nothing in return.

I think I'm going to throw up...

Monday, August 30, 2010

beta tomorrow

I'm having my blood draw done at 8:30 tomorrow.

I wish I was more optimistic than I am. I haven't tested any more since Friday night but I'm not expecting the news to be good. I don't feel pregnant. I don't really believe that an IUI can work for us. I just don't feel like it worked.

I'll definitely test one more time before my beta..just because I'll be training my new employees all afternoon tomorrow and don't want to receive totally unexpected, heart-wrenching news while in the midst of training.


I am so over infertility! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I POAS Friday night

And I have no idea why. I'm normally very anti-POAS. I've never, ever done it any earlier than the night before my beta.

This time, I did it waaay before my beta. Friday was 8dpiui. What was I thinking?

Of course the test was negative. At least I know the trigger is out...

I may test again tomorrow morning, 11dpiui but I will definitely test again the morning of my beta, Tuesday...



Stark white HPTs are so fucking ugly.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

28.5!!

That is what my progesterone level currently is! I'm so happy! (Granted, I have been on progesterone support since Friday night...)

My RE wants my progesterone at or above 15 on a medicated cycle. My first medicated cycle, before being put on progesterone support, showed a progesterone level of 12.1 7 days past ovulation. Because it was below 15 I was put on progesterone suppositories. My next medicated cycle included immediate progesterone support, and my progesterone level was 18.5 when checked at 7dpo. So, today's level of 28.5 is the highest thus far.

That, to me, is very exciting! I'm hoping it is a sign of good things to come...