Wednesday, November 3, 2010

today I feel like

a complete and utter failure. I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down. Constantly. I just don't feel confident in myself at all right now.

I've let my job down. I just have zero interest or motivation right now. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be working. All I want is to be at home, in my bed, crying or sleeping. To be frank, recruiting other people's kids to come to this great college just isn't fun for me right now.

I've let my friends down. I'm not happy. I'm not social. I don't want to hang out or go to the bar or tailgate and talk about happy, fun things. I want to be in bed and away from the world.

I've let my dad down. We aren't going home for Christmas (almost 2,000 miles away) because we need to be here so we can cycle [again] in December. If this last pregnancy would have stuck we could be going home. But no. And now I'm letting him down...he's sad and I'm ruining his Christmas.

I've let my mother-in-law down. She wants a grandchild so, so badly and I can't give that to her. I couldn't manage to get pregnant and now I can't manage to stay pregnant.

I've let myself down. I like to be motivated, happy, successful and accomplished. And right now, I'm none of those things. And what bothers me the most is that I don't really care. If my boss came up to me right now and said "You are fired"..I probably wouldn't be too upset. That is so not me.

But what hurts the most is that I've let my husband down. I'm not the happy, social, care-free, energetic person he married. I'm depressed, sad, a loner and constantly stressed. Infertility has taken over my life and changed who I am. And I hate that for him. I can't give him the family he wants, I can't make him happy and I don't feel good about myself at all which is starting to affect our marriage.

I just feel like such a disappointment to everything and everyone. I feel sorry for the people that have to be around me. I feel sorry for my dad that I'm his daughter. I feel sorry for my mother-in-law that I'm her daughter-in-law. I feel sorry for my husband who has to be married to me. I feel sorry for my baby who had to have me as a mother. And I feel sorry for myself that I'm letting everyone and everything I care about down.

Today I am a failure.

1 comment:

  1. Anyone can give up, it is the easiest thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else
    would understand if you fell apart, that is true strength.

    You are in my prayers. My heart goes out to you right now.