Sunday, October 31, 2010

panic attack

This morning was not good. I had a horrible panic attack...the first one I've had in a long time. The Coach and I went to bed around 11:00 last night and I was wide awake at 1:30 and never fell back asleep. The Coach's alarm was set to go off at 4:00 so he could hit the road recruiting and between the time when I woke up and his alarm went off I had just laid in bed and thought about much I miss my baby, how much I miss my normal life, how upset I am at myself for putting my wonderful husband through this, how scared I am that this will never happen again...that this pregnancy was my one and only and lasted all of a week. And I could feel the panic building up inside of chest was getting tight, I felt like I was going to puke, my arms were achy and numb...and when The Coach went to get out of bed I told him I felt like I was about to have an attack and then I LOST it.

I laid in bed and cried hysterically for quite sometime. I couldn't breath, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop my body from shaking like was awful. The Coach managed to calm me down and I was back to normal before he left. But once he walked out of the door it started again and I had this horrible, overwhelming feeling that something was going to happen to him on his long drive today. He's exhausted. He's had very late nights and very early mornings at work lately and has also worked every weekend for as long as I can remember. And then this horrible emotional rollercoaster he's been on and dealing with me...he's just completely exhausted. I called him twice before he probably even got on the interstate asking if he was ok...I was just so worked up and so scared that something was going to happen to him....

I finally calmed myself down and managed to get a few hours of sleep. I need to get off the couch and busy myself for distraction purposes. I need to clean this house, do laundry, go to the grocery store and I want to do a little shopping...but my feet feel like blocks of cement and pushing around the vacuum cleaner seems to require much more energy than I can imagine putting forth.

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