Tuesday, February 22, 2011

at least something

is going well...

The Coach is 11 days into his games and his team is 9-0 so far. Tied for the best start in school history! Granted, they haven't played super challenging teams but they've won, all the same. The real test will be tomorrow, a mid-week game, when they try to break the record.

Fingers crossed...

Friday, February 18, 2011


I'm all alone. And I'm sad. I just can't believe this is my life. Always alone. The Coach is busy scouting games. I'm at home, in an empty house, by myself. As usual.

And the saddest part is knowing this is how it will always be. I will always come home to an empty house. I will never have a family.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

tonight is the night

I've officially decided that tonight The Coach and I will sit down and decide our future. Make a decision as to whether or not we will cycle again. And, if we decide to cycle again, when and what type of cycle we will do.

I hate being in limbo. HATE IT. That was my goal..the one thing I wanted to avoid at all costs. And look where we are.

So tonight it ends...we ARE making a decision tonight. One way or the other. It will happen.

Monday, February 14, 2011

happy valentine's day

The Coach is actually home for Valentine's Day this year! I'm pretty sure this is the first time this has ever happened! It is our 6th V-day together and I'm totally shocked. I can not believe we've known each other for more than 6 years...time has really flown by!

The Coach and I don't have any big plans for the *special day* but he will be cooking me dinner tonight---grilled steak, pasta ai quattro formaggi and grilled asparagus. And I made a chocolate layer cake yesterday for him for dessert (I may sneak a teeny tiny little piece). Should be a good night!

Oh and The Coach had his first games of the season this past weekend and they started out 4-0! Hopefully the perfect record thus far is a sign of many good things to come for the team. It would be truly awesome to have a stress-free season. Fingers crossed...

Hope everyone has a fabulous Valentine's Day with those that mean the most to you!


Friday, February 11, 2011

the upside of stress

Is lack of appetite.

I've lost 8 pounds in a week.

Granted, I have been working out more and drinking more water and some of it is definitely water weight. But I still attribute a lot of it to stress and sadness.

Thursday, February 10, 2011


I'm feeling a ridiculous amount of stress today. I'm stressed about pretty much everything. I'm stressed about The Coach's season starting. I'm stressed about some issues at my job. I'm stressed about what our future holds and the choices we have to make. I'm stressed about the amount of money we've spent all of these fertility treatments and have nothing to show for it. I'm stressed about being sick. I'm not happy with a lot of things in my life right now (aside from the fertility issues) and that is causing me stress.

I feel like I can't function as a human being right now.

Yesterday, on an infertility message board I frequent, someone wrote that they feel like they aren't living life but rather they are just existing. That is exactly how I feel. Like I'm just here. But that's it.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Well, we had our WTF appointment this morning and boy, all I can really say is f*ck.

It didn't go at all like I was expecting it to..I thought our RE would say that she was disappointed in the way our IVF cycle went, that they recommended a change of protocol and to try another IVF cycle whenever we were ready. I also assumed that our chance of success with IVF would drop a bit but I was not expecting how much...

Basically she said our biggest issue now is egg quality. And that it is strange, given my age. That there were so few eggs retrieved and that the quality of those that were was less than stellar. Because of the fact that we got so few eggs, the team of REs at my clinic do not recommend we do another IVF cycle. WTF...not expecting that! She said it really doesn't seem worth it...to go through all of that for a 30% chance of success. That's right, they are giving us a 30% chance of successfully having a baby through IVF. OUCH. Basically, between the cost of IVF (plus the meds that I'd be put on next cycle--600iu Gonal-F!!), the toll it takes on a body and the little chance we have of success with it, it just isn't the best road for us to take.

She said that the REs at the practice recommend we do another IUI cycle. HUH?!? Our issue isn't really getting eggs to fertilize..the ones that were good eggs from our IVF cycle fertilized well (granted, it was with ICSI but..) and there was that chemical pregnancy back in October. Our issue is getting good eggs so that they can fertilize. And, obviously, IVF doesn't help us get better eggs. She gave us a 15-20% chance of success with IUI.

Crazy, huh? IVF, which costs upwards of $12k, takes two+ months to do, is extremely hard on ones body gives us only a little bit better chance than IUI (which costs, everything included, around $800 and is basically done in two weeks).

I just don't know what to do or think. I want a plan. I want to know if we are moving forward or if our journey ends here. And this just put a whole new spin on things. WTF do we do? I really want closure...it has almost been 3 years of this shit and I'm tired of it. But I'm not so sure I can give up on my dream right now...even if that dream is next to impossible to achieve. I'm just so confused.

I hate, hate, hate that this is my life.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


The Coach and I had a fabulous time at the beach this weekend! Destin is a beautiful, beautiful place! We arrived at the hotel at about 11 on Friday night and it was still kind of rainy so we just settled into the room (with our respective bottles of beer and glasses of wine) and checked out the view from the balcony. The Coach is a priority club rewards member so there is always little notes, coupons and certificates when we check into a hotel so I barely noticed the note on the bed when we got in our room. When I finally did pick it up it was a note from The Coach's parents saying that breakfast in bed and mimosas for Saturday morning had been taken care of! So sweet! What a thoughtful thing to do! So when we woke up on Saturday we ordered our breakfast and mimosas and enjoyed every last drop of the champagne. After breakfast we went for a long walk on the beach...the sand was so white! Just gorgeous. And, for the record, not a hint of oil anywhere...

After our walk we got ready and went to lunch at a fantastic pub, I had the shrimp po'boy and it was by far the best sandwich I've ever eaten! After lunch we did some shopping at the outlets and then went back to the hotel to relax. Before dinner we took another stroll on the beach and got some great pictures of the sun setting over the Gulf of Mexico. It was so pretty and serene! Then we went to dinner at The Back Porch. The seafood was outstanding and the drinks were even better :)

We had planned on going to a dueling piano bar after dinner but, unfortunately, the bar was closed for renovations. We were so stuffed from the great seafood that we settled on getting a few drinks in the hotel bar before hitting up the hot tub and pool. It was a fun night!

This morning we took one last walk on the beach and then had a fantastic breakfast at Another Broken Egg. Seriously, if you are ever in a city that has Another Broken Egg you have to go. The food was out of this world!

On the drive home The Coach and I had a long talk about our future with infertility and we also discussed adoption. But that's another post for another day. The overall gist, though, is that we are both tired of infertility and fertility treatments consuming our lives and adoption isn't an option for us. So, where exactly we stand, I don't know...

Friday, February 4, 2011


The Coach and I are going to away to the beach this weekend! We are leaving right after he finishes up with practice today which will hopefully be in about 4.5 hours. We need this getaway so badly. Just to spend time together, be away from everyone and everything, put the computers away and the phones down..we need time to reconnect again.

I'm so thankful that he planned this little trip. It means so, so much to me and I'm so happy to be married to someone who cares enough about me and my mental stability to do this!

Soon I'll be drinking my worries away with the beautiful view of the Gulf of Mexico spread in front of me!


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

martinis for dinner

The Coach sent me an email earlier today informing me that our neighborhood Pub now has "Martini Tuesdays" with all of their signature martinis for $5.


So, tonight, as with the past few nights, I'll be drinking my dinner....a good French Martini here I come!

(I don't even want to admit how much alcohol I've consumed since Friday. Seriously.)