total meltdown

I absolutely lost it last night. I was a complete and utter mess. Crying, sobbing, shaking, hysterical.

Over what, you ask? The wrong needles. Mmhmm...I know, I sound like a lunatic. Well, the story goes like this...on Wednesday when I was at the clinic, and we decided to add the Menopur, I specifically asked the NP about the Menopur injections, where to do them and if they were to be done Sub Q or IM. She said Sub Q in the abdomen...just like Follistim. I was kind of surprised, I had assumed it would be IM. But she said Sub Q. She even gave me the meds I needed for Wednesday night and two Sub Q needles to use. And then she placed my entire order with the pharmacy, for the rest of my meds and needles.

Last night when I got home from work (at almost 8:00--uugh!) and opened up my box of meds and all that was included was IM needles. And every label on every baggie said "Inject Menopur IM, per doctor's instructions." Um, what? I was told Sub Q the day before! And I did the Menopur Sub Q on Wednesday night...per my NP. And now this is something entirely different. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to mess up this medication. So I called the RE answering service and a nurse called me back fairly quickly. She told me that normally they recommend Menopur to be done IM and she didn't know why the NP told me (and gave me) Sub Q. She said that I should definitely switch to IM...that it probably wouldn't hurt anything to do the shots Sub Q but that IM was better and they want me to do as many as I can the same way. Since I only had one more Sub Q needle but plenty of IM needles, she said go IM.

Now, I realize that I'm an IF-wimp right here but I can not give myself IM shots. Just can't. Up until last October I couldn't even look at a needle (even on TV!)...so for me to be able to give myself [Sub Q] shots is a major feat. Just not yet able to do IM. Maybe, maybe, maybe if I had time to prepare myself and all but not under these conditions. I was stressed and anxious and feeling sick. I needed The Coach home to do my shot for me. At 9:00. But, of course, he had late practice last night. I must have called him at least 20 times and texted him a good 10 times but he wasn't answering. Practice was "scheduled" to get over at 8:30 but, let's face it, the schedule means nothing. The next thing I knew it was 8:56 and he wasn't answering, wasn't home. And I lost it. I think everything just got to me. It was the first time I had any emotions about this cycle at all. And they all came...fast and hard. I was just sitting on the couch, hysterically crying when The Coach finally did call me back. He said he was on his way home and would be there by 9:30 and that everything would be fine.

But I was supposed to do my shot at 9:00. Now, the practical side of me says 30 minutes really can't matter all that much...in fact, for my Follistim, they said there was a 30 minute window. But the side of me that wants to be a mom more than anything...the side of me that has been trying to get pregnant for 2.5 years now...the side of me that just can't believe this is my reality couldn't be practical. And that side of me totally lost it.

I somehow managed to pull myself together enough to do my Follistim shot. And once The Coach got home (right at 9:30) he gave me my Menopur shot. And it hurt. He's given me IM shots before [trigger] and it has never hurt during or after but boy, did this one! My whole left side is still sore.

But it will all be worth it if this cycle gives us what we want more than anything. But, until then, my ass hurts.

And my head hurts from crying hysterically for an hour.