Thursday, July 29, 2010

tough stuff

One of the toughest things about The Coach's line of work is that nothing is ever permanent. We will never have that comfort of knowing "This will be our forever home". He will always be changing jobs and we will always be moving. Just the lay of the land. It can be fun and exciting but it can also be sad and lonely.

Of course it isn't just us that will always be on the move, all of his colleagues go through it as well. So many wonderful people have come in and out of our lives as they move on to new jobs. And, unlike "normal people", we may say we'll meet up sometime in the future but in reality, it isn't going to happen. Too many people, too many places, too little time.

We are going through this right now. Some of our best friends here are moving. He works in the athletic department with The Coach and he was just offered a new job in a different state last week. They leave next week. These friends, coincidentally, live directly across the street from us. We have the BEST neighborhood ever and they are a big part of it. It just won't be the same without them. These friends are also dealing with infertility so it has been nice to have someone IRL to talk to, to bounce things off of and to travel this journey with.

While The Coach and I are very excited for them and their new opportunity, we are sad for ourselves. It is just something we have to get used to but it is hard. Having no family closer than 16 hours away, you really lean on your friends to get you through.

On the flip side, The Coach and are also in the middle of one of the best perks of his job---a huge shopping spree at Under Armour! It is pretty fricken sweet when your husband emails you in the middle of the work day and says, "Go to Under Armour's website, pick out whatever you want and add it to our cart." FREE SHOPPING! :)

Monday, July 26, 2010

I'm baaaaaaack!

Vacation was wonderful. Incredible. Amazing. And way, way too short!

The Coach and I had a blast--saw the Cubs game, ate some great pizza, rode the boat tour on the river and the ferris wheel at Navy Pier, went to the zoo, hit up the art museum, ate some amazing food and had drinks at the Signature Lounge. It was a ton of fun!

Now I'm exhausted and totally, completely unmotivated at work. I need to get my butt into gear but I just have no drive. At all.

I am getting slightly excited that we may be cycling again soon though...but more than anything, I'm just scared sh!tless about it.

Monday, July 19, 2010

T - 24 hours

Until vacation starts!

I am so, so, so excited!

Because of The Coach's insane schedule, vacations are very, very hard to come by. As in, this is our first one in almost 3 years.

I can't wait! I have so much to do :)

Friday, July 16, 2010


the new iPhone commercial...

The one where the husband and wife are video talking and she tells him "You know that thing we've been working on for awhile"...and then they giggle. And then she says "You're going to be a dad".


Seriously've now sent me into hysterics on more than one occasion.

Just for that, I swear I'll never buy your products (not that I wanted to in the first place).

Thursday, July 15, 2010


So this post clearly isn't about IF (although in some ways, I suppose it is--aging and all) but it is about my wrinkles. YES, I have wrinkles. And I'm only 24. On Tuesday night, as I was applying my anti-aging cream, I noticed some wrinkles around my eyes. WHAT?!? I've always taken good care of my skin and the day I turned 24 I began using anti-aging cream every day..morning and night! And eye cream. WTH.

Ok, in the interest of full disclosure, I suppose these things I see around my eyes truly aren't wrinkles..more like fine lines. Baby wrinkles. The origin of wrinkles, if you will. I freaked out. FREAKED OUT. The Coach was outside with the dogs and I flew through the house, out the door, screaming hysterically about my wrinkles. The Coach just rolled his eyes at me and said "It sucks getting old, huh?" (As a side note, The Coach is WAY older than I am so any time he says anything like that, I can always just say "Yeah, it does..but just think, if I'm getting old, how old does that MAKE YOU?")

So now I've invested in some new, stronger, more potent eye cream. Hopefully that will stop these baby wrinkles in their tracks.

This is fabulous. I'm 24, have wrinkles and yet can't have a ironic.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


August cycle is A GO!!

My nurse told me that because of my extremely elevated levels in early June and due to the huge decrease in those levels in just over a month, they'll allow me to cycle! They don't think the elevated levels are due to the Metformin, they think it is due to my gallbladder attack and they think that by the time we are ready to cycle my levels will be very close to normal.

So today is CD1...a month from now we will hopefully be starting our BFP cycle!!

::waiting:: ::waiting:: ::waiting::

That's what I've been doing all day. And what I'm still doing. Waiting on my nurse from my RE's clinic to call me back. I left a message this morning asking for clarification on the ATL levels, if that means our August IUI cycle will be canceled and if there is any medication I can take other than Met, since it knocks me on my ass.

My nurse from my internist's office did call back. She confirmed that the liver enzyme that was elevated during my hospitalization is the same one that is currently elevated. Back on June 5th it was at 94. Yesterday it was 52. So it is dropping. Here is where my confusion comes in...

Was the level elevated because of my gallbladder attack? That would explain why it is continuing to decrease...this is also what my internist initially thought.

Is the level elevated because of the Metformin (that is a side effect, after all)? This is what my RE initially thought. But if so, why would the level drop so drastically so quickly? I haven't changed my dosage at all.

Is the elevated level a combo of both scenarios? It was already slightly elevated because of the Met and the gallbladder only made it go up higher?

Who knows...ohhhh nurse...!!

At this moment in time I have a teeny, tiny bit of hope that we can cycle in August. I mean, the cycle is still 4+ weeks away and my levels have decreased so much in the past level is only 12 points higher than where it should be...surely it can drop enough in the next 4 weeks to allow me to cycle...right?

Monday, July 12, 2010

I'm a mess

I had a voicemail on my patient message line a little bit ago--the results of my fasting labs today. Insulin levels--good, CBC--good, liver fuction..ehhh..not good.

My ALT levels are elevated. They are at 54 and should be between 10-40. I'm 100% confident they are elevated because of the Metformin I'm on (which is my worst enemy in the whole world) and I'm also 100% confident this will cancel our upcoming [August] IUI cycle.

Back in June when I was in the ER, the on-call RE at my clinic was on the phone with my ER doctor and the RE totally on board with going through with the IUI, as long as I could handle the pain, until the ER doc mentioned that my liver enzymes were elevated. That stopped the conversation between the two doctors dead in its tracks and the RE canceled. Said there was absolutely NO WAY they'd let me do an IUI with elevated liver enzymes. So why would it be any different now?

All along during my time in the hospital, everyone was thinking my enzymes were elevated due to my gallbladder but now I believe they were elevated because of the Met.

This sucks. One step forward, 8 steps back. We are getting very close to the 7 month forced treatment break we have because of The Coach's crazy schedule and I honestly don't know that we will get even 1 complete treatment cycle in before our break. Another 7 month break is going to push me over the edge--especially if we don't get any treatment cycles in between the two.

Right now I have a call in to my internist to see if it was, in fact, my ALT level that was elevated back in June. I'm also going to call my RE in the morning and find out exactly what this means...the nurse said [in the voicemail] that they want to repeat the test in 6 weeks. So I definitely wouldn't be cleared for an August cycle.

At this point, I'm certain it is a message..a sign...from somewhere..saying this isn't meant to be. We aren't supposed to be doing this. Too many damn things go wrong every time we get close to cycling. That's the only explanation. This just isn't right for us...we aren't meant to be on this journey. This isn't our path and parenthood apparently isn't our destiny.


It is mornings like this morning that reallllllllllly make me hate having to drive so far to my RE.

I had to go in this morning for my yearly bloodwork for fasting labs. Had to drive an hour up to the clinic for a 2 minute blood draw, after getting up at the butt crack of dawn. Why, oh why can't there be a RE in my town? My beauty sleep would be forever grateful.

The only good thing about it, though, is that I had breakfast at Chick-fil-a! Driving 45 minutes back to your office after having 5 vials of blood drawn after not having anything to eat or drink for almost 12 hours is only a disaster waiting to happen. Luckily there is a Chick-fil-a right near my clinic. Mmmmmm chicken biscuit.

Friday, July 9, 2010


I've come to realize that I am extremely bitter. I'm bitter about everything. I'm bitter that we are struggling so to have a baby. I'm bitter that I've been dealt this crappy card and we do struggle because of it. I'm bitter that fertiles can get pregnant so easily. I'm bitter that even all the infertiles around me seem to be getting pregnant these days. And here I am, no closer to being a success story today than I was a year ago. Or two years ago for that matter. That makes me bitter.

In an attempt to alleviate some of my nasty bitterness, I've been trying to remind myself that even though this sucks and it is hard and no one should have to go through this things could be worse. I really do have a great life. The Coach is a great man and a great husband to me. We both have good, stable jobs. We have families that love us and dogs that adore us. Good friends, food on the table, a roof over our heads, clothes on our back. Aside from the whole inability to get pregnant thing, I'm healthy. The Coach is healthy. Things could be a lot worse. I still feel like I'll never beat this opponent...I feel as though I'll never win this battle. I'm still jealous. I'm still envious. I'm still upset. I'm still depressed. I'm still bitter.

So, I suppose, that even though I'm one of the unlucky ones that struggles through infertility, never knowing if I'll win or if this ugly opponent will continue to beat me to a pulp, I'm still lucky. There is a song out there by country singer Craig Morgan, and every time I hear it, it reminds me that even though what I'm going through seems so tough and so impossible, others have it much worse. Here is the first part of that song:

He was standing in the rubble of an old farmhouse outside Birmingham
When some on the scene reporter stuck a camera in the face of that old man
He said "tell the folks please mister, what are you gonna do
Now that this twister has taken all that's dear to you"
The old man just smiled and said "boy let me tell you something, this ain't nothing"
He said I lost my daddy, when I was eight years old,
That cave-in at the Kincaid mine left a big old hole,
And I lost my baby brother, my best friend and my left hand
In a no win situation in a place called Vietnam
And last year I watched my loving wife, of fifty years waste away and die
And I held her hand til her heart of gold stopped pumping,
So this ain't nothin'

Monday, July 5, 2010

holidays are HARD

The 4th of July is one of the hardest holidays for me. For many reasons. Of course, right now in my life, it is hard because there are always so many cute little kids running around in their cute little outfits, playing in the water, waiting for the fireworks to start. I never really realized it until last night, but, damn, that's hard to see. One would think the "bigger" holidays would be harder but for me, it really is the 4th.

This time of year is also hard for me because July is the month my mom passed away. We are coming up on 8 years this month. I can't believe it. 8 years. Devastating. It has been 8 years since I talked to my mom, saw my mom, hugged my mom...8 years. In these past 8 years I've had so much happen...graduated from high school, went off to college, met The Coach, got married, graduated from college, landed a job..and she hasn't been here to see any of it. One of the hardest things for me is that my mom knew all of my nephews and my niece. My youngest nephew is about to turn 10 so she knew him and although he doesn't really remember her, he still knew her. My kids, if I ever have them, won't know her. At all. And she won't know them. That breaks my heart. She was such an amazing woman, the best mom out there and the best grandma out there and my kids will miss out. They truly will...

So now this has turned much more emotional and depressing than I meant it to. I guess, for some reason, this July is harder for me than most have been....:(

Anyway, I hope everyone had a fabulous 4th! It is such a great day for this country and I am so, so proud to be American and call this great country my home. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all those who fight and serve for this great country. Your selflessness and commitment is recognized and very much appreciated!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

what if...

Even though The Coach and I got some good news at our RE appointment on Wednesday, I still continuously ask myself "What if..."...

What if I never get pregnant?

What if The Coach and I have to live the rest of our lives without being mommy and daddy?

What if I never get to hold a little baby, that is mine, in my arms and love it like crazy?

What if I never know or understand that level of love?

What if I'm just not meant to be a mom?

What if I'm never able to give The Coach the baby he wants so badly?

What if, what if, what if...

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Yesterday's appointment with the RE was seriously long. Marathon length for sure. We discussed everything. All of our diagnoses, all of our previous cycles, all of my surgeries, The Coach's surgery, our timeline, the good, the bad and the ugly. And it all went very, very well.

First we discussed the specifics of our most recent cycle--you remember, the one that was going perfectly and then BAM! my stupid gallbladder decides to ruin it--she was very, very pleased with how all went during that cycle (up until the cancellation, of course). She believes the dosage of Follistim I was on (150iu) was perfect for me and she wants me to stay on that dosage for our next cycle. She "loved" my follies, E2 and lining from that cycle so that was good to hear...too bad the flucking cycle was ruined.

We also discussed my FSH levels. Now, my FSH isn't technically is just high for my age. It is still well below my clinics "cut off" if you will. So, while it is something for us to be concerned about in the future (as my levels will only continue to increase), my RE said it isn't something she is concerned with now. She doesn't believe that is what is keeping us from getting pregnant. So we won't worry about it. Although I will continue to down wheatgrass shots and royal jelly like crazy. Can't hurt, right?

We also went over The Coach's post-surgery SA that was done at his urologist. Everything is *perfect*. Morph was totally normal, counts are excellent, motility is great. She's ready to kick us off of the MFI train. Me? I'm a skeptic..always have been, always will be. I want to see at least one more SA proving his sperm is this fantastic. Then maybe I will believe. But, again, good news.

We talked with her about what will happen next...she recommends couples do 4 inject/IUI cycles before moving on to IVF. We've done 1...well, 1 that got us to the actual IUI. That was back in October. So we plan to try 3 more IUIs with Follistim starting in August. If all of those fail, we will be back to The Coach's season and will be wait listed again due to his insane schedule. I guess maybe IVF next summer? Who knows...

She did say she believes we can get pregnant via an IUI. She said due to our ridiculous time constraints, if she didn't firmly believe we had a decent shot at this, she would recommend IVF immediately. At least someone believes...

And, at the end, she did mention that if my IUIs all fail, she would potentially want to do a lap. I've had 5 surgeries on my abdomen in the last 5 years. That's crazy. She thinks there may be a decent amount of scar tissue in there as well as possibly some endo. Of course IVF bypasses all of that and would sort of deem the lap as unnecessary but she does think it would still be worth it. Just to really get a good, full, clear picture of what all is going on in this messed up tummy of mine. I really, really hope we don't get to that point. That would be surgery #6 in 5 years and I'm only 24 and have no real, life threatening, seriously medical conditions. Nuts.

So...after The Coach and I take out vacation (!!!) we will be back on the treatment train. Hopefully this next cycle goes off without a hitch!