Monday, October 18, 2010

no confidence...

I'll be honest here...I thought I was pregnant. I really, truly, honestly thought this IUI worked. I thought this was it. I thought this was going to give us our baby. Make all of our dreams come true. End this nightmare. Until this morning. Now I have zero confidence. I'm positive it didn't work. It hasn't in the past, why would it now?

I swear I was feeling things..symptoms, things in my body changing, and my heart told me I was pregnant. Today...nothing. Even my extreme thirstiness I've had for the past week is gone. The oily hair is gone. Boobs don't hurt any more. Just exhaustion...which I always have--thank you very much progesterone!

The Coach is still confident..he says he just "feels" it. Shit. Now I'm really going to break his heart. I feel physically ill with the thought of letting him down again. I'm going to have to tell him tomorrow night that it is negative and I'm going to have to call him Wednesday afternoon after I get my beta call and confirm. And I don't want to do it. There is only one thing in my life that I've wanted to do less than making this call and that was the absolute worst thing that ever happened in my life.

And yet, I'm positive I'll have to do it. I just want to go home, crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep.

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