Sunday, October 31, 2010

panic attack

This morning was not good. I had a horrible panic attack...the first one I've had in a long time. The Coach and I went to bed around 11:00 last night and I was wide awake at 1:30 and never fell back asleep. The Coach's alarm was set to go off at 4:00 so he could hit the road recruiting and between the time when I woke up and his alarm went off I had just laid in bed and thought about much I miss my baby, how much I miss my normal life, how upset I am at myself for putting my wonderful husband through this, how scared I am that this will never happen again...that this pregnancy was my one and only and lasted all of a week. And I could feel the panic building up inside of chest was getting tight, I felt like I was going to puke, my arms were achy and numb...and when The Coach went to get out of bed I told him I felt like I was about to have an attack and then I LOST it.

I laid in bed and cried hysterically for quite sometime. I couldn't breath, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop my body from shaking like was awful. The Coach managed to calm me down and I was back to normal before he left. But once he walked out of the door it started again and I had this horrible, overwhelming feeling that something was going to happen to him on his long drive today. He's exhausted. He's had very late nights and very early mornings at work lately and has also worked every weekend for as long as I can remember. And then this horrible emotional rollercoaster he's been on and dealing with me...he's just completely exhausted. I called him twice before he probably even got on the interstate asking if he was ok...I was just so worked up and so scared that something was going to happen to him....

I finally calmed myself down and managed to get a few hours of sleep. I need to get off the couch and busy myself for distraction purposes. I need to clean this house, do laundry, go to the grocery store and I want to do a little shopping...but my feet feel like blocks of cement and pushing around the vacuum cleaner seems to require much more energy than I can imagine putting forth.

Friday, October 29, 2010

my WTF

I just had my WTF appointment with my RE (if you don't know, a WTF appointment is exactly what you think it is--What The in, what went wrong) and she gave me a lot to think about.

First, she said that even though it doesn't seem like it, this pregnancy is a very positive sign. It shows us that my eggs and The Coach's sperm can meet and fertilize. Obviously the result wasn't what we wanted but she said they have statistical data that shows once someone (in my age bracket) achieves any type of pregnancy once, they have a higher chance of achieving pregnancy again in the future. It gives us a better prognosis for the future. She also said that in my age bracket, each pregnancy has a 20-25% chance or resulting in a chemical pregnancy, if there are no known problems (chromosome abnormalities, clotting disorders, ect.). So, essentially she said what I was expecting...we likely [hopefully] just fell on the wrong side of a bad statistic.

She also mentioned that, of course, they don't know for sure where the pregnancy occurred and started to implant (uterus versus fallopian tubes) because there was no ultrasound performed. She said that research shows that 98% of chemical pregnancies do form in the uterus, which is a good thing.

She finds it "interesting" that I did get pregnant my first month on my new protocol (adding in the Menopur) and that the Menopur must have done the trick.

We discussed my "low progesterone" during the pregnancy and she confirmed what many wonderful ladies on the message board I frequent had told me...that progesterone suppositories get the progesterone where it is needed (the uterus) and therefore isn't accurately reflected in blood work. She said they have found that typically, while on supps, the progesterone is actually 6x higher than the blood work shows. She did say, however, that in the future they would start me on 3 suppositories per day immediately instead of one. That's when I asked her about PIO shots instead of suppositories and she said "Knowing you and your personality, I'm sure hearing the actual progesterone level number is what you want so if you'd like to do PIO instead of supps, that's fine with me". Ha! She knows I'm psycho...

She said they really don't recommend doing any testing (karyotyping or RPL testing) until 2 loses. But, again, knowing me and my personality, she said she would go ahead and approve a thrombosis profile right now so I'll be scheduling that next week.

Her recommendation is to take this month off, go in with my next period for a baseline and if all is well, cycle again using the 150iu Follistim+150iu Menopur+1cc PIO. Then if that cycle is unsuccessful, she wants to go ahead with the lap/hysteroscopy in January to check for scar tissue, uterus issues and endo. If this next cycle were to result in another chemical, she'd also add in the karyotyping and RPL.

I'm still pretty uninterested in doing another cycle but The Coach really wants to and our RE said she is hopeful. When I was telling The Coach about the WTF appointment he said he heard optimism in my voice...hmmmm...

I will definitely do the thrombosis profile and go in for a baseline to check for cysts with my next period. Beyond that, I can't promise anything right now.

At the end of the conversation my RE told me "Hang in there sweetie...stay with her and we will get through this..."

I guess I need to try to believe her....

Thursday, October 28, 2010

already gone

My beta is already negative. The baby is already gone.

My nurse said my doctor will be calling me tomorrow to discuss this "pregnancy" with me and answer any questions I have. Which is a waste of time, if you ask me, because she will have no idea what happened. Except that I killed my baby and I'm not supposed to be a mom.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Here is a recap of the last week of my life:

Tuesday, October 19th 9:30 p.m.--Two positive HPTs
Wednesday, October 20th 4:00 a.m.--Two negative HPTs
Wednesday, October 20th 1:30 p.m.--Positive beta call...17.3, progesterone low at 10
Thursday, October 21st 9:20 a.m.--Bleeding begins
Friday, October 22nd 6:00 a.m.--One positive HPT, bleeding continues
Friday, October 22nd 3:30 p.m.--Beta still climbing, now at 27.9, progesterone lower at 5.8
Saturday, October 23rd All Day--Bleeding increases and darkens
Saturday, October 23rd: 10:00 p.m.--First PIO shot
Sunday, October 24th 9:00 p.m.--One positive HPT, bleeding stops
Monday, October 25th 2:00 p.m.--Beta call in...didn't double at 32.8, progesterone up to 22.9
Monday, October 25th 4:30 p.m.--Bleeding returns and increases in amount and darkness
Tuesday, October 26th All Day--Bleeding tappers off
Wednesday, October 27th 8:00 a.m.--Spotting returns could I have gone through all of that in only one week?

My third beta is tomorrow morning. I'm assuming that when my nurse calls me in the afternoon, I'll be told the pregnancy is over. I've decided to take a mental health day tomorrow so I can be home to get my bad news. The Coach can't be home with me because his last two fall games are tomorrow afternoon/night so he needs to be at work. I couldn't decide which was be at home, alone, when I get the news or to be at work and have to pretend everything is ok. After going to through the hell that was Monday afternoon, pretending everything was ok at work, I've decided to take the day off.

I know lots of wonderful people out there are keeping their fingers crossed and their hopes up for us but, in reality, there is no point. No way can this pregnancy be successful with only a 5 point increase in my beta in three days. I know this. I'm starting to accept it. If "accepting it" is even possible...I no longer feel pregnant. I know it is over. But I'm not ok. And I don't know that I'll ever be ok. I never, ever want to experience this again and since no one can promise me that I won't miscarry again, I'm pretty sure my TTC journey has come to an end. The Coach wants to keep trying...he sees this as slightly positive...if I got pregnant once, I can get pregnant again. I can't be so positive.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

one week

One week ago today I got my first ever BFP. How in the hell has it only been a week? I know I turned a year older yesterday but I feel like I've aged 10 years this past week...

I can't believe that a week ago today we were experiencing the highest high of our lives and now I'm essentially waiting for this baby to die. What a cruel world.

I know the pain and the emotions are raw at this point, but I'm nearly positive I never want to do this again. I never want to cycle again, I never want to be pregnant again. It is pretty clear that I'm not supposed to be a mother so why continue to put ourselves through this? The doctors appointments, the traveling all over the state, the shots, the meds, the emotional pain, the physical pain, the monetary expense...what's the point? It isn't meant to be. I'm a big believer in signs and fate and unfortunately I've had too many signs telling me that living childless is my fate.

Even though yesterday was one of the worst days of my life, and by far the worst birthday I've ever had and probably will ever have, I have the most amazing husband in the world. The Coach did his best to make my birthday as good as it could be. When I walked in the front door last night there were two bouquets of flowers on our foyer table. One was a sympathy/encouragement bouquet and the other was for my birthday. Each had a beautiful card, with a beautiful message and a sweet note from The Coach inside. Then he lead me into the bedroom where, on our fireplace mantel, under a wedding picture, was a third bouquet of flowers--pink roses because I love pink and he loves me....

I flat out don't deserve him. He is so, so good to me and I'm just a huge disappointment. He deserves so much better.

Why the fuck is this happening to him....? Maybe I do deserve it but he certainly doesn't...

Monday, October 25, 2010

bad news

Of course. Because why would anything ever work out?

My beta didn't rise properly. It only went up to 32.8. It should have been up to 55.8.

My nurse said the same lines of bullshit I've been hearing for a week...we just don't know...we have no is still possible to work out, albeit a slim possibility...there is nothing anyone can do....


I killed my baby. Its over. I know it. I tried for 2.5 years to get to this point. I gave it everything I had and then I end up killing my own baby.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Hello, my name is The Coach's Wife and I'm addicted to peeing on things. Really only home pregnancy tests. In the past 6 days I've peed on 10 sticks. All but two have been positive. I just peed on another one...and the line came up instantly and is super dark. I peed in the cup, The Coach dipped the test and as soon as he was done with the dip I walked out into the kitchen. Not even 30 seconds later he came in with a huge thumbs up sign. This is the same brand I got my first + on when I tested last Tuesday and it took a good 3 minutes to come up and the test line was pretty faint.

So I'm choosing to remain hopeful. I'm praying that the spotting is just a result of the progesterone supps and nothing more serious. I'm also going to beg and plead to switch to PIO shots exclusively tomorrow. I just don't see why I can't...

Maybe I'll get a little sleep tonight...


Oh and to the companies of ClearBlue Easy Results, First Response Early Response, First Response Gold Digital and EPT Pregnancy Test...I am definitely helping to keep you in business. And you are very welcome. Now, continue to show me positives!!!

for the first time ever..

I can't wait for this weekend to be over. I can't wait for my beta tomorrow. Of course I want, more than ANYTHING, for the results to be good but I'm really ready for this beta limbo bullshit to be over. It has really, really taken its toll on me. My nerves are completely shot. I'm emotionally exhausted. It is all I can think about. It is hell.

I've had quite a bit of spotting over the weekend. Yesterday The Coach and I were up on campus for the game and we were at his teams' tailgate before the game and I went to the bathroom and for the first time there was actually red, not pink, blood. And there was blood on the pantyliner. I practically lost it.

Then after the game we walked downtown for a tradition that is uniquely ours after wins and while 50,000+ people were celebrating and ecstatic, I could feel myself bleeding. It was horrible. Our team won the game, after knocking off the only other undefeated team in our conference and even with such a big, exciting win, I was totally miserable.

I'm really trying to believe the bleeding is because I'm irritated from the progesterone suppositories I'm pumping myself full of three days a day. I pray to God that is all the bleeding is. On Friday, after getting the results of my lowered progesterone, I asked my nurse if I could switch to PIO (Progesterone in Oil) shots instead of the suppositories. The suppositories are obviously causing irritation, even if it isn't causing the bleeding, and many people swear the with suppositories the progesterone goes straight to where it is needed (the baby) and thus isn't accurately reflected in blood work, hence the low blood work. I asked my nurse about this and she didn't really give me a straight answer...but it didn't seem like she really believed that claim. She told me I could switch to PIO but that they couldn't get it to me over the weekend. DAMN!

Last night I did my first PIO shot. How, you ask? Since my clinic was unable to get me the meds? A wonderful, wonderful friend of mine from Michigan had some leftover PIO from her [successful!!] IVF cycle that she so kindly overnighted to me! I talked with my nurse yesterday and she said I absolutely should do the shots as well as the suppositories. I'm so glad she approved it....I really hope this helps my progesterone levels tomorrow.

I really haven't had any of the pregnancy symptoms I'd been having so that freaks me out. The Coach has researched and researched and keeps telling me that doesn't matter, that symptoms will come and go. Of course I know that but man, this beta hell and early pregnancy really makes a person crazy ;)

Please send any and all thoughts, prayers, sticky vibes, ect. that you have to us tomorrow. Beta draw is at is going to be another insanely long day...I plan to POAS sometime tonight and I'm terrified...

Friday, October 22, 2010

still in hell

My beta finally came in at 3:30...not very good news. My beta is only at 27.9 so it definitely didn't double. And my progesterone actually dropped. And is now way too low.

The nurse said that things are still touch and go...could go either way...but to expect to bleed a lot this weekend and that it isn't really looking all that good.

My heart is literally broken...why does this all have to be so fucking hard?


Well, I have no beta results yet. And since it is 3:30 on a Friday afternoon, I'm assuming I won't be getting my beta results. The office closed at 2:00. There is isn't anyway I can contact anyone, except the on-call nurse, and she doesn't have access to results and records.

I guess I'll be waiting until Monday for my results...


Especially because my nurse did call at 12:30 to give me the results of my urine analysis..and I asked her for my beta results and she seemed confused...asked when my beta was drawn. I told her this morning and she said the results should be in within the hour.

I can not believe this is happening...

Thursday, October 21, 2010


or higher is the number we need to hear tomorrow.

I'm so scared the number we hear will be less than that.

I already love this baby so much...I'm trying not to get too attached but it is so hard because I feel pregnant and I have a connection to this baby already.

I can not lose this baby.....

beta hell

Is truly hell. That's the only way to describe it. The emotional roller coaster that we've been on for the last 48 hours...I honestly wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I went from complete dread---dreading peeing on that stick and seeing another BFN to complete joy and shock when I saw that it was positive to absolutely terrified when I did see those negative tests to extreme nervousness when I heard my (low) beta number. is exhausting just to replay that all in my mind...

Speaking of exhaustion, I am definitely feeling it. I'm sure it is a combination of stress, fear, lack of sleep and, hopefully, pregnancy. All I want to do is sleep.

I had a little scare this morning...when I went to the bathroom the toilet paper was pink. I was convinced it was over. Positive. Sure of it. But that was all of the blood that I saw. I put a fresh liner in immediately and am going on 9 hours and there still isn't anything on it. I'm hoping and praying it was just irritation from the progesterone supps.

I really just wish it was Friday afternoon and we knew what was going on. This limbo is killer.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


My beta is POSITIVE!


But it is a low positive. It is currently at 17.3. Which is low. They want it at/above 20. So it could go either way. My progesterone level is low so I'm upping my dosage of that.

I just had a feeling all day...I felt pregnant. The second I answered the beta call I knew it was nurse sounded completely different than she has for my negative betas. First question she asked me was "Are you driving?"...HA!

She gave me the whole speech about how it could go either way..she's seen lower betas work out and higher betas not work out. There is no perfect science.

At first they wanted me to go back for my second beta on Monday. During the process of the conversation she said "Honey, I can HEAR you shaking...come in on Friday, dear!" WHEW! Especially because Monday is my birthday.

I'm oddly calm about this all. And that is NOT my personality at all. I really feel at peace with this. After 2.5 years, I'm finally pregnant! I really think I may just have a late implanter. And 12dpiui is kind of early...

My nurse was encouraged that I've had no bleeding or spotting so that's a plus. And my symptoms are significantly stronger every day.

The Coach is happy. Excited. Cautious. He's very calm and matter-of-fact about it. But we both feel good.

And, for now at least, I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!

are you effing KIDDING ME?

I woke up at 4:30 this morning to test with FMU before The Coach had to leave for work outs.

The same kind of digi that gave me a + last night gave me a - this morning. WITH FMU!

I'm positive last night was a fluke. But how in the hell does someone get TWO clear positives and then some 6 hours later get a negative?

The Coach skipped works out and headed out to the store to buy me more things to pee on. But I'm sure it is over.

FML. Seriously.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


The Clearblue line test had a DARK second line.

The FRER digi said "Yes".

The EPT line test has a very, very faint second line (practically invisible unless held under BRIGHT light).



Last October I got a false + so I'm absolutely terrified right now.

The second The Coach walked in from practice I burst into tears. And he said "Don't cry yet--GO PEE!". So I peed in a cup, stuck the test in and the first line and the control line showed up immediately. The Coach said "I'm sorry" and walked out of the bathroom. And I continued to look at the test and then yelled for him to get back in there "I SWEAR I see a second line!".

He saw it too.

I sent him out for a digi.

Check Spelling


Prayers, thoughts, vibes, whatevers PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!


I feel positively sick right now. I'm hours away from POAS and I'm terrified. I plan to do it when The Coach gets home from his late practice (probably around 10:00) and I'm already shaking. I have moments where I just know I'm pregnant and then moments when I'm certain this didn't, and never will, work.

If you have any positive vibes, baby dust, prayers, thoughts, whatever to send our way, we'd really appreciate them. Beta blood draw is scheduled for 8:30 tomorrow morning. I should have the results of the blood work within the next 24 hours.

Monday, October 18, 2010

no confidence...

I'll be honest here...I thought I was pregnant. I really, truly, honestly thought this IUI worked. I thought this was it. I thought this was going to give us our baby. Make all of our dreams come true. End this nightmare. Until this morning. Now I have zero confidence. I'm positive it didn't work. It hasn't in the past, why would it now?

I swear I was feeling things..symptoms, things in my body changing, and my heart told me I was pregnant. Today...nothing. Even my extreme thirstiness I've had for the past week is gone. The oily hair is gone. Boobs don't hurt any more. Just exhaustion...which I always have--thank you very much progesterone!

The Coach is still confident..he says he just "feels" it. Shit. Now I'm really going to break his heart. I feel physically ill with the thought of letting him down again. I'm going to have to tell him tomorrow night that it is negative and I'm going to have to call him Wednesday afternoon after I get my beta call and confirm. And I don't want to do it. There is only one thing in my life that I've wanted to do less than making this call and that was the absolute worst thing that ever happened in my life.

And yet, I'm positive I'll have to do it. I just want to go home, crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

so sad..

The weekend is almost over :(

I live for the weekend. And this one was especially great...

The Coach had recruits on campus all weekend so that means we go out to eat on Friday and Saturday night, on the university's dime, for fabulous food...two of my favorite restaurants in town! Saturday we had a home football game and we destroyed our competition...moving up in the polls! One of the few remaining unbeaten teams in the country and it feels GOOD!

I'm basically trying to do anything and everything to keep my mind off of this possible pregnancy, my beta Wednesday and whether or not I'll be testing ahead of time. I've been having some "symptoms" lately but who knows if it is my mind or anything real. I've been insanely thirsty lately. Like I take a big gulp of water and instantly my mouth is dry and I'm dying for a drink. This is very new for me...I'm not a big drinker [unless we are talking martinis or wine] and can usually sip on my bottle of water all day long without needing to refill. Friday I refilled three times and had a Sprite while at work. Hmmmm...

I'm trying not to let this go to my head...maybe it is the weather changing...maybe I'm just dehydrated...maybe it is my mind running wild...or maybe...just maybe...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Not only am I exhausted but I'm also torturing myself by watching Sister Wives--the episode where Christine gives birth.

And all I can think is how badly I want that. How amazing and incredible and unique that experience is.

And also how much I want to be able to give The Coach a baby and how much of a disappointment I am for not being able to.


I have no energy. I have no drive. All I want to do is sleep. Curl up in my nice, big, warm, fluffy bed with my furbabies and sleep.

I hate progesterone. HATE, HATE, HATE.

But, as I say about everything, if it works it will be worth it.

Until then, I'm miserable on it and I hate it.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Happy Columbus Day!

Unless of course you are like me and had to work...not really much celebration of this fine holiday when you are stuck in the office for 10+ hours. ::sigh::

I had a fabulous weekend! I did a whole lot of nothing. I spent the vast majority of the weekend on the couch, relaxing and watching football. And boy was it a good weekend of football! If you know anything about college football you know which team, prior to this weekend, was #1 team in the country. You also know that they went down this weekend! Which is fabulous for me because I'm a huge fan of their biggest rival! And we won our game! For the first time in a long time we have a better record than they do and are ranked higher in the polls than they are! YAY!

The Coach got home late on Saturday night, just in time to see our team kick the game winning field goal. We also spent the better part of yesterday on the couch relaxing. Hopefully that helps promote a pregnancy!

The Coach has also started "talking to the baby". Awwww...he tells the baby how much he already loves it, how much he wants it to stick around, how he will coach that little baby into a premier athlete...:) Precious.

9 days until my beta...I'm trying to decide if I should pee on a stick or not this cycle. Normally I HATE to POAS..I avoid it at all costs and usually only do it the night before my beta. I do that because I don't want to think I have a BFP and then get the call of a BFN while at work. But last cycle I tested earlier than that. And I tested a lot. And we all know how that worked out...anyone have any opinions or advice?

Friday, October 8, 2010

October 20th

is the day we will find out if this IUI worked.

Everything went really well with the IUI this morning! The Coach's pre-wash sample had 198 million motile sperm and his post-wash count was 23 million. He was a little disappointed because his sample for our August IUI had 37 million post-wash count but the NP assured him that 23 million is really awesome and everything is fine. She said they want 2-5 million so to have 23 million is obviously great by their standards. I think that made him feel a little better...

After the IUI we did an ultrasound which showed the pool of semen sitting literally right in the middle of my three biggest follies. So, they've found the follies now hopefully they continue to be aggressive and push into those follies.

When we got home The Coach had to pack up and hit the road again to catch his flight. I'm spending the rest of the day today and all day tomorrow relaxing on the couch, with the dogs, watching TV --lots of football!

I'm still trying really hard to not get my hopes up too high but, sheesh, it is really hard. It is like a light switch...the second the sample is injected I automatically think I'm pregnant or something and start talking about "the baby" and stuff like that. The Coach scolded me and told me it will only make a BFN that much harder but I don't really think it matters. BFNs are insanely hard regardless and it is kind of nice to be blissfully naive about all of this...

Thursday, October 7, 2010

literally game time...

...for The Coach! His team starts their fall games today...I absolutely can not believe it is time for this again. It feels like we just finished his season! (His sport plays fall games in October--DI schools are allowed to play 8 games during the month but they can not play any other DI schools and they can not travel so area community colleges and DIIs come to campus to play. Their "real" games go from February-June.) It just blows my mind that it is time for this again.

I triggered last night and it was a very uneventful trigger (which is good!) and now we just wait. It is so strange..for the first week or so of a cycle it is craziness..appointment after appointment, shot, medication, yada yada and then you get trigger and you wait. For the IUI. And then after the IUI you wait again. For the beta (granted, during this time I do progesterone suppositories but that is nothing to be excited about). It is all hurry up and wait! Much like my job is...

Anyway, The Coach was able to change his flights to New Jersey to accomodate our IUI so he is flying out tomorrow night at 7:00. That will give us plenty of time to get to the clinic (we have to leave our house at 5am--ugh!), do the IUI --taking into consideration that the main clinic is always running behind--get out of there, maybe grab lunch/breakfast and take our time getting home. There will be NO STRESS for me tomorrow and that is exactly what I was going for. Realistically there is no reason for me to take off of work tomorrow but I just wanted to. It is so stressful trying to rush to get back from the main clinic, especially when my boss is blowing up my phone with issues, problems, concerns, questions...

I plan to spend my night tomorrow and my day Saturday on the couch, relaxing. The Coach has a late flight home on Saturday night so I'll be watching football all day on my own.

I normally don't do this but, please, if y'all have any thoughts/vibes/prayers/whatever to send our way, I'd really appreciate it. I'm afraid The Coach is getting his hopes up a little too high for this cycle because of the improvements the Menopur has caused and I just don't know that I can handle seeing him crushed again. Especially with another surgery and another 8 month break looming in our future.

I also want to thank all of you for reading my blog and for the support you've shown me. As many of you know, infertility is an extremely painful and often times isolating journey and it helps me more than you will ever know when I think of the people that are supporting us. We have chosen not to really share our infertility with many in real life (only The Coach's parents know, my boss and two really good friends of ours) so it helps to have all of the support we can get.

Much love and appreciation,

The Coach's Wife

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

good to go!

At my ultrasound this morning we saw one follie at 18, two that were very close to 18 and one that was a clear 17! Woo-hoo! My E2 is at 1,066 and my progesterone is at 1.0.

Trigger tonight at 9:00 and we have to be at the clinic at 8:00 am on Friday for The Coach to give his sample. IUI is set for 9:30.

I'm really happy with my bloodwork and ultrasound results but I'm trying very hard to not get my hopes up too high this cycle....

I just really don't want to have to have another surgery and go through another 8 month break because of The Coach's crazy season schedule.

Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease let this be it for us. Please.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

say WHAT?!?

My blood work from today's monitoring appointment just came E2 level is at 719!!! This is huge. This is ginormous. This is monumental!! Before this cycle it never got out of the 300s. OMG! (And my progesterone is at .8, which is also good.)

During the ultrasound this morning we saw three really good follies...a clear 16 and two that were close to 16 (for those who don't know, once a follicle gets to 18 it is considered to be mature). There were a few other smaller follies that likely won't mature. So my plan is to do one more night of Follistim and Menopur (even though it is the devil--it is helping!) and go back tomorrow morning for more blood work and another ultrasound.

Of course this puts a kink in The Coach's see, he was booked on the first flight out on Friday morning to go on a recruiting trip because he thought our IUI would be Thursday. Well now it will be Friday (most likely--definitely not before Friday) so he needs to be around at least for the morning on Friday to give his sample. Meaning he had to change his plans. That's what is so hard about all of this..nothing is ever known ahead of time, everything always changes and you can't count on what happened one cycle to ever happen again.

But The Coach said he'd make it work and my E2 is at 719!!! Woo-hoo!

Monday, October 4, 2010

a pain in my ass!

Seriously...these IM Menopur shots are exactly that--a pain in my ass!

The Coach has given me IM shots before, all of my previous triggers were IM and often times I'd be sore the next day but nothing too bad. I've always iced before the shot and I've never felt the needle go in or penetrate my muscle or assumed the Menopur would be the same. Well, you know what they say about assuming...

It HURTS! The ice does nothing. I feel the whole thing. I seriously don't know how women do PIO shots (progesterone in oil) for weeks and weeks when they achieve pregnancy. OUCH!

But, even though it hurts, I'm not really complaining. If the Menopur is what does the trick then, by all means, it will have been worth it. But I am ready for my monitoring appointment to find out how things are going...8:30 tomorrow morning!

Friday, October 1, 2010

total meltdown

I absolutely lost it last night. I was a complete and utter mess. Crying, sobbing, shaking, hysterical.

Over what, you ask? The wrong needles. Mmhmm...I know, I sound like a lunatic. Well, the story goes like this...on Wednesday when I was at the clinic, and we decided to add the Menopur, I specifically asked the NP about the Menopur injections, where to do them and if they were to be done Sub Q or IM. She said Sub Q in the abdomen...just like Follistim. I was kind of surprised, I had assumed it would be IM. But she said Sub Q. She even gave me the meds I needed for Wednesday night and two Sub Q needles to use. And then she placed my entire order with the pharmacy, for the rest of my meds and needles.

Last night when I got home from work (at almost 8:00--uugh!) and opened up my box of meds and all that was included was IM needles. And every label on every baggie said "Inject Menopur IM, per doctor's instructions." Um, what? I was told Sub Q the day before! And I did the Menopur Sub Q on Wednesday night...per my NP. And now this is something entirely different. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to mess up this medication. So I called the RE answering service and a nurse called me back fairly quickly. She told me that normally they recommend Menopur to be done IM and she didn't know why the NP told me (and gave me) Sub Q. She said that I should definitely switch to IM...that it probably wouldn't hurt anything to do the shots Sub Q but that IM was better and they want me to do as many as I can the same way. Since I only had one more Sub Q needle but plenty of IM needles, she said go IM.

Now, I realize that I'm an IF-wimp right here but I can not give myself IM shots. Just can't. Up until last October I couldn't even look at a needle (even on TV!) for me to be able to give myself [Sub Q] shots is a major feat. Just not yet able to do IM. Maybe, maybe, maybe if I had time to prepare myself and all but not under these conditions. I was stressed and anxious and feeling sick. I needed The Coach home to do my shot for me. At 9:00. But, of course, he had late practice last night. I must have called him at least 20 times and texted him a good 10 times but he wasn't answering. Practice was "scheduled" to get over at 8:30 but, let's face it, the schedule means nothing. The next thing I knew it was 8:56 and he wasn't answering, wasn't home. And I lost it. I think everything just got to me. It was the first time I had any emotions about this cycle at all. And they all and hard. I was just sitting on the couch, hysterically crying when The Coach finally did call me back. He said he was on his way home and would be there by 9:30 and that everything would be fine.

But I was supposed to do my shot at 9:00. Now, the practical side of me says 30 minutes really can't matter all that fact, for my Follistim, they said there was a 30 minute window. But the side of me that wants to be a mom more than anything...the side of me that has been trying to get pregnant for 2.5 years now...the side of me that just can't believe this is my reality couldn't be practical. And that side of me totally lost it.

I somehow managed to pull myself together enough to do my Follistim shot. And once The Coach got home (right at 9:30) he gave me my Menopur shot. And it hurt. He's given me IM shots before [trigger] and it has never hurt during or after but boy, did this one! My whole left side is still sore.

But it will all be worth it if this cycle gives us what we want more than anything. But, until then, my ass hurts.

And my head hurts from crying hysterically for an hour.