for the first time ever..

I can't wait for this weekend to be over. I can't wait for my beta tomorrow. Of course I want, more than ANYTHING, for the results to be good but I'm really ready for this beta limbo bullshit to be over. It has really, really taken its toll on me. My nerves are completely shot. I'm emotionally exhausted. It is all I can think about. It is hell.

I've had quite a bit of spotting over the weekend. Yesterday The Coach and I were up on campus for the game and we were at his teams' tailgate before the game and I went to the bathroom and for the first time there was actually red, not pink, blood. And there was blood on the pantyliner. I practically lost it.

Then after the game we walked downtown for a tradition that is uniquely ours after wins and while 50,000+ people were celebrating and ecstatic, I could feel myself bleeding. It was horrible. Our team won the game, after knocking off the only other undefeated team in our conference and even with such a big, exciting win, I was totally miserable.

I'm really trying to believe the bleeding is because I'm irritated from the progesterone suppositories I'm pumping myself full of three days a day. I pray to God that is all the bleeding is. On Friday, after getting the results of my lowered progesterone, I asked my nurse if I could switch to PIO (Progesterone in Oil) shots instead of the suppositories. The suppositories are obviously causing irritation, even if it isn't causing the bleeding, and many people swear the with suppositories the progesterone goes straight to where it is needed (the baby) and thus isn't accurately reflected in blood work, hence the low blood work. I asked my nurse about this and she didn't really give me a straight answer...but it didn't seem like she really believed that claim. She told me I could switch to PIO but that they couldn't get it to me over the weekend. DAMN!

Last night I did my first PIO shot. How, you ask? Since my clinic was unable to get me the meds? A wonderful, wonderful friend of mine from Michigan had some leftover PIO from her [successful!!] IVF cycle that she so kindly overnighted to me! I talked with my nurse yesterday and she said I absolutely should do the shots as well as the suppositories. I'm so glad she approved it....I really hope this helps my progesterone levels tomorrow.

I really haven't had any of the pregnancy symptoms I'd been having so that freaks me out. The Coach has researched and researched and keeps telling me that doesn't matter, that symptoms will come and go. Of course I know that but man, this beta hell and early pregnancy really makes a person crazy ;)

Please send any and all thoughts, prayers, sticky vibes, ect. that you have to us tomorrow. Beta draw is at 8:30....it is going to be another insanely long day...I plan to POAS sometime tonight and I'm terrified...