Tuesday, October 26, 2010

one week

One week ago today I got my first ever BFP. How in the hell has it only been a week? I know I turned a year older yesterday but I feel like I've aged 10 years this past week...

I can't believe that a week ago today we were experiencing the highest high of our lives and now I'm essentially waiting for this baby to die. What a cruel world.

I know the pain and the emotions are raw at this point, but I'm nearly positive I never want to do this again. I never want to cycle again, I never want to be pregnant again. It is pretty clear that I'm not supposed to be a mother so why continue to put ourselves through this? The doctors appointments, the traveling all over the state, the shots, the meds, the emotional pain, the physical pain, the monetary expense...what's the point? It isn't meant to be. I'm a big believer in signs and fate and unfortunately I've had too many signs telling me that living childless is my fate.

Even though yesterday was one of the worst days of my life, and by far the worst birthday I've ever had and probably will ever have, I have the most amazing husband in the world. The Coach did his best to make my birthday as good as it could be. When I walked in the front door last night there were two bouquets of flowers on our foyer table. One was a sympathy/encouragement bouquet and the other was for my birthday. Each had a beautiful card, with a beautiful message and a sweet note from The Coach inside. Then he lead me into the bedroom where, on our fireplace mantel, under a wedding picture, was a third bouquet of flowers--pink roses because I love pink and he loves me....

I flat out don't deserve him. He is so, so good to me and I'm just a huge disappointment. He deserves so much better.

Why the fuck is this happening to me....to us....to him....? Maybe I do deserve it but he certainly doesn't...


  1. I'm so sorry sweetie. I don't know what to say, just want to offer you BIG ((hugs))

  2. Nothing about this experience is causing the coach to be disappointed in you. I promise. He is probably in awe of your strength.

  3. I'm so sorry about everything you're going through and pain you are experiencing. I don't see you you are disappointing your husband. He loves you and it must break his heart to see you so down.