Wednesday, September 29, 2010

$1600 for 6 days

That's the price of my new medication! My RE decided to add 150iu of Menopur to go along with my 150iu of Follistim for this IUI. Thankfully I have prescription coverage for Menopur (as well as for Follistim--a co-pay of $100 for each med). My insurance coverage is very spotty and strange..I have zero treatment coverage and lots of medications are not covered (progesterone, the trigger, ect.) but for some reason, Follistim and Menopur are. Those two meds alone, for 6 days of use, add up to over $3000. Insane. When the pharmacy rep told me I only had to pay the co-pay, I told her she made my day.

During our meeting my RE agreed (obviously) that we need to switch something up and thinks the Menopur may do the trick. Me? I'm not convinced. I'm a little more optimistic about this cycle than I was yesterday but still not optimistic enough to believe in this. We also discussed future treatment plans. If this IUI doesn't work my RE wants to do a lap to check for scar tissue. Essentially, in the past 5 years, I've had three surgeries on my ovaries (to remove cysts), a surgery to remove a uterine mass and surgery to remove my gallbladder. So the chances of having some scar tissue are very good. Whether or not that scar tissue is causing problems in terms of achieving pregnancy, we just don't know. My RE even suggested that we could put this cycle off and I could have my lap either this Friday or next Friday. While I'm ok with having my 6th surgery in 5 years, I'm not ready for it right now. So I asked to move forward with this cycle.

So that's where we are. We are switching up the game plan...we have a new strategy...a new plan of attack. Maybe, just maybe, our strategizing will pay off.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

game time!

It is on. Again. Back in the saddle. Whew.

This morning I went to my "local clinic" (local as in only an hour from my house, not 2.5 hours each way like the main clinic) and when I pulled into the parking lot I saw a huge sign on the front door. "We will be closed Thursday, October 7th and Friday, October 8th while we move to our new location." OF COURSE they would be closed--because that is exactly when my IUI will be! And it would be way, way too easy in our already ridiculously tight timeline for us to be able to just travel an hour each way for the IUI. we have to go to the main clinic. 5 hours round trip. Seriously...where does my luck come from? Because it is straight up shit.

My baseline went well. My favorite technician did my ultrasound and the whole time we just talked about college football--we are both fans of the same team and it was so nice to have a comfortable, relaxing (well, as comfortable and relaxing as it can be when someone is sticking a dildo-cam up inside of you) ultrasound. She finished up and told me to meet her in her office and when I did she said "Let's order your meds!" and that was the first time she actually talked about my cycle..and it was nice! :)

While in her office I voiced my concerns about my previous E2 levels while cycling. I've always been told I've had 2-3 mature follicles and my clinic says that your E2 level should be between 200-300 per mature follie. But my E2 level has never really been over 300 so clearly there is some disconnect there. She looked back through my charts and told me that I was right, my levels were low...except when I cycled in June. My E2 was well above 500. She confirmed what I already knew--my best cycle ever was the one that was canceled because of my gallbladder issues. Are you kidding me? Seriously, worst luck ever.

She said that, in her opinion, we should probably switch up my protocol because this isn't really working. She said we could go ahead and try this IUI with the same protocol and set up a video conference with our RE to discuss some possible changes for the future. She recommended that if our RE does decide to switch up our protocol for our next IUI (should this one fail) that we really should try it one last time. Sometimes shaking the apple tree we are having a video conference with our RE tomorrow to discuss this all. Part of me really hopes that she goes ahead and switches up my protocol (or at least my Follistim dosage) for this cycle but my meds are already ordered and will be here tomorrow (and I start stims tomorrow night) so it probably isn't likely.

So, tonight, while The Coach is at his late night practice, I guess I get to set up my stabbing station again. Which reminds me...I'm pretty sure I'm out of cotton swabs...

Monday, September 27, 2010

one last time

I guess we are going to try one more IUI. I really don't care to. I have zero faith that it will work. I don't know that I'm totally ready to give up TTC all together but, I don't see the point in doing an IUI and, at this time, I'm not willing to do IVF. But The Coach really wants to try one last time. And I can't deny him of that.

So today is CD 1. The problem (because, of course there is always a problem) is that in the past all of my IUIs have fallen on CD 11 or 12. CD 11 this cycle would be the first day of The Coach's fall season games. Making it very difficult for him to be out of the office all morning. CD 12 falls on the day The Coach is booked on the first flight out to go to New Jersey recruiting. We've talked about this, how bad the timing is and how it isn't really going to be possible with that schedule, but he still really wants to try. So he said he would change things if he has to...

I'm waiting on scheduling to call me back to schedule a baseline. I guess I'm back in the game. One last time. Final at bat (at least for the foreseeable future) and I'm terrified. Scared out of my mind. And totally depressed at the though (and likelihood) of another BFN.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Yes, I realize I've been MIA. And I'm sorry. I just haven't had the heart, the time or the means to update. You see, my in-laws were in town for 4 days and we were busy entertaining them. Work has been nuts. And the internet at home has been very sketchy lately. And I'm still hurting. A lot. I just have zero faith and quite a few battle scars.

Because of the fact that I'm currently on BCP, I have nothing to update cycle-wise. I can't believe I've only been on BCP for a seems like forever. It just sucks so, so much to have the desire to cycle but not be able to. This world is so, so cruel.

Obviously I'm not doing so well. I'm so bitter. So upset. So disappointed. I wish I had something more cheery to post about....

...but I don't.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

AF wasted no time

She showed up this morning. I have a feeling I have residual cysts leftover from my last cycle so I'm doing a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow morning. I was really hoping to get to go to the clinic for bloodwork on Thursday...I was just hoping it would be for my second beta because my first one was +. Instead I'm looking at starting another cycle (if there aren't any cysts, that is). The Coach really wants to try again. He's just so broken up over the fact that our "perfect cycle" didn't end perfectly. Since this last cycle really was our best chance ever, he wants to give it one more go. I'm fine with that. I just don't care when we do it. At all. We can do it now...we can do it in December...I couldn't care less. Just as long as we get it in before his season starts. So, if I don't have any cysts tomorrow, I'm sure we will go forward with what is likely to be our 4th and final IUI. If I do have cysts, I imagine I'll go on birth control pills for a month and then we will attempt the IUI in October.

We definitely want to have our WTF appointment (if you don't know, a WTF appointment is an appointment you have with your RE after a failed treatment cycle and it stands for exactly what you are wondering if it stands for) before making any final decisions about anything. She told us back in May that we could do up to 4 IUIs with Follistim (our first IUI was with Clomid) and this most recent one was our second with Follistim. I just don't know that I have it in me to do this two more times. I just don't believe it will give us our baby.

The Coach was so wonderful last night. He met me at the door with a huge glass of my favorite wine. Right behind him on our foyer table was a huge bouquet of orange and pink flowers (calla lilies--my favorite!). Of course I lost it then. I'd actually handled the news fairly well all day, didn't even shed one tear, until that moment..then The Coach told me to go get changed for dinner, that we were having my favorite comfort food (friend chicken and mac and cheese) and he was getting it ready. When I walked into our bedroom I saw another bouquet of flowers on my dressing table. A bouquet of pink flowers (again with some calla lilies) that is very similar to our wedding flowers. So, so sweet of him.

I cried most of the night away. I drank a large amount of wine. I didn't sleep well. However, today is a new day, a new month, the start of a new cycle and hopefully the beginning of the end. What I wouldn't give to have this be out BFP cycle.

Please, God, let it be out BFP cycle.