So sleepy. Today is my first day at work since last Wednesday and I'm struggling. Big time. I really haven't done much lately other than lay on the couch and rest so this is a lot for me right now. And it has been a crazy day..lots of troubleshooting an playing catch up.
I scheduled my Thrombosis Profile today. I'm going in next Tuesday. I can't decide what I want from this test...do I want to find something so that I can have a reason (and maybe some closure) for my failed pregnancy? And the results show that there is something wrong that we can treat, which would maybe lessen my anxiety about cycling again? Maybe. But part of me also hopes nothing is wrong. We have enough stuff to deal with. I guess we will find out. I'm really not looking forward to going back there. I know I'll get looks of pity and I hate that.
After my panic attack on Sunday morning I feel like I've been doing a lot better. I definitely have bouts of sadness and I always miss my baby but I haven't really cried since the attack. The Coach and I even managed to watch last week's episode of Bill and Giuliana..the episode when they found out they lost their baby. And I made it through without crying. Tonight's episode will probably be really tough to watch but I still want to watch it. The Coach doesn't understand why I put myself through it but, in a strange way, it is nice. I saw on the previews that she asks if there is anything that she could have done differently, talks about blame and a lot of the things I'm feeling and dealing with. I hate that they are going through it but is beneficial for me, I believe, to see someone else go through it to see how they cope and endure. I promise I don't mean that in the sadistic way that it probably sounds.
I can't believe tomorrow marks two weeks from my positive HPT. I know I've said it before but it seriously feels like a lifetime has passed. Only two weeks.