My due date was Monday.
We should be holding our precious little newborn right now.
But we aren't.
And my arms and heart are empty.
And always will be.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
stronger
Right now I feel stronger. And happier. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Vicious circle, I tell ya.
The Coach's season is over. He's (understandably) disappointed that it is over..it is what he works for all year..their season didn't end the way they wanted it to (ended in the first round of play-offs), all that jazz. Of course I want him and his team to do well..but..in all honesty, I'm glad it is over. It was a LONG season. To think that it started when we were doing IVF. Whoa. It is nice to have him home and around a little bit. I miss him when he's in season.
We had a faboulous Memorial Day weekend. Friday night we grabbed drinks with friends at the neighborhood pub. Saturday we saw the Hangover II (awesome!) and Sunday we went to a minor league baseball game and enjoyed way too many margaritas and beers. Fabulousness!
We also have some fun summer trips coming up. The Coach's sister lives in the pacific northwest and will be down in Nashville with her partner in June so The Coach and I are driving up there for the weekend to see them. And to drink!
Then in July we are taking a quick trip down to New Orleans for a few days and then ending the trip with a day at the beach in Biloxi. It will be so nice to have him ALL TO MYSELF! And to get some much needed quality time in. As you all have gathered, it is few and far between.
So, for today, right now in this minute, I feel ok with my life. Maybe even a little happy with my life...and that's better than most days so I'll take it.
The Coach's season is over. He's (understandably) disappointed that it is over..it is what he works for all year..their season didn't end the way they wanted it to (ended in the first round of play-offs), all that jazz. Of course I want him and his team to do well..but..in all honesty, I'm glad it is over. It was a LONG season. To think that it started when we were doing IVF. Whoa. It is nice to have him home and around a little bit. I miss him when he's in season.
We had a faboulous Memorial Day weekend. Friday night we grabbed drinks with friends at the neighborhood pub. Saturday we saw the Hangover II (awesome!) and Sunday we went to a minor league baseball game and enjoyed way too many margaritas and beers. Fabulousness!
We also have some fun summer trips coming up. The Coach's sister lives in the pacific northwest and will be down in Nashville with her partner in June so The Coach and I are driving up there for the weekend to see them. And to drink!
Then in July we are taking a quick trip down to New Orleans for a few days and then ending the trip with a day at the beach in Biloxi. It will be so nice to have him ALL TO MYSELF! And to get some much needed quality time in. As you all have gathered, it is few and far between.
So, for today, right now in this minute, I feel ok with my life. Maybe even a little happy with my life...and that's better than most days so I'll take it.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
not strong enough
Do you ever feel like you just aren't strong enough to make it through? That all of the strength you ever had is gone...long gone...and you just don't know how you'll make it, how you could ever be expected to come out on top? You just have too much on your plate, too much shit in your life and you just can't deal?
I really hope someone else feels this way...I can't be the only one, right?
:/
I really hope someone else feels this way...I can't be the only one, right?
:/
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
2 things
1. I'm sure everyone has, by this point, heard of the sheer devastation in the southern part of the country, particularly in Alabama where The Coach and I live. We are safe, we are fine. Miraculously our town was really one of the few in the state that wasn't hit. I think our city had two confirmed trees down, about 200 people without power for a few hours and NO injuries or fatalities. Other areas of the state, particularly Tuscaloosa and Birmingham, are almost wiped clean. So please, please, please send any thoughts and prayers to those areas. Our Governor has deemed this disaster as a level I..other level I disasters in recent history are Hurricane Katrina and 9/11. If anyone is interested in helping in any way, please visit http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Toomers-for-Tuscaloosa/127019264041188
Toomer's for Tuscaloosa is a wonderful organization established by Auburn fans that wanted to help out in Tuscaloosa and the surrounding areas. This organization is WONDERFUL! A complete and total God Sent to those suffering.
2. The Coach's team had their final home series of the season this past weekend and they won 2 out of 3 games...against the #4 team in the country! What a way to close out the home schedule!!
Toomer's for Tuscaloosa is a wonderful organization established by Auburn fans that wanted to help out in Tuscaloosa and the surrounding areas. This organization is WONDERFUL! A complete and total God Sent to those suffering.
2. The Coach's team had their final home series of the season this past weekend and they won 2 out of 3 games...against the #4 team in the country! What a way to close out the home schedule!!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
I think maybe
just maybe (ok, definitely) I just had another chemical pregnancy.
Never, ever in my life have I had CM [cervical mucus]. When I'd read posts about people charting and monitoring their CM I was so totally confused. What in the world WAS that stuff? Not something I'd ever experienced. Then, when we started with our RE, we had a post-coital test that confirmed I have no CM. Wonderful. That essentially means getting pregnant on our own, through TI, would be impossible.
Enter the injectable drugs. Once I started Follistim, I did have CM. What an odd experience. So now I know what it is.
Well, for some reason, this month, without treatments, I had CM. Lots and lots of it. [TMI Alert] When DH and I would have sex he'd even comment that it "felt different". Yep, that's the CM.
I'm also sure I ovulated. So...ovulation+CM...my mind started to wander...hell, this is a rare event.
Then AF was 5 days late.
Hmmm...
And I've had super oily skin lately. My skin is dry as a bone. Except when I had my c/p back in October. And I've been insanely thirsty. I'm never thirsty. I'm the slowest drinker on the earth. One bottle of water can easily last me all day. And crampy. I never have cramps.
Hmmm..hmmm...
And then AF showed up. With a vengeance. Heavy. But before AF was spotting. I never have spotting before AF. And not only is AF heavy but also very tissuey and clotty (sorry...). Only time I've ever had another other than light blood for AF was after my c/p.
Then it all hit me. I was pregnant. I just had another chemical. I'd bet my life on it. I've been through 3 years of BFNs. I've had one pregnancy. I can tell the difference. And this was a pregnancy. And it is over. I was too chicken to test when AF was late and now I'm glad I was chicken. Sure, I'd know for sure..but my body and heart already know for sure. And to see another + test only to have it ripped away..not worth it.
I should call my RE and get in for a beta to try to confirm. Although, at this point, I'm sure the beta would be negative. If The Coach and I ever do decided to seek infertility treatments again, I'll tell them about it. And I know they'd trust my judgement. But, for now, I won't. It doesn't change anything. I still *only* have two losses. So they wouldn't do any further testing. And since it is seeming to be doubtful that we will cycle again..what's the point?
In some ways, I suppose this could be a positive. I got pregnant without medical intervention. Could it ever happen again? Possibly. Is it likely? Of course not.
But it could be bad, too. A glimpse at something like RPL? Maybe. God I hope not.
So...for now...I'm sad. And I'm feeling pain. And to get through, I'll have wine. Red, please.
And then yesterday she showed up.
Never, ever in my life have I had CM [cervical mucus]. When I'd read posts about people charting and monitoring their CM I was so totally confused. What in the world WAS that stuff? Not something I'd ever experienced. Then, when we started with our RE, we had a post-coital test that confirmed I have no CM. Wonderful. That essentially means getting pregnant on our own, through TI, would be impossible.
Enter the injectable drugs. Once I started Follistim, I did have CM. What an odd experience. So now I know what it is.
Well, for some reason, this month, without treatments, I had CM. Lots and lots of it. [TMI Alert] When DH and I would have sex he'd even comment that it "felt different". Yep, that's the CM.
I'm also sure I ovulated. So...ovulation+CM...my mind started to wander...hell, this is a rare event.
Then AF was 5 days late.
Hmmm...
And I've had super oily skin lately. My skin is dry as a bone. Except when I had my c/p back in October. And I've been insanely thirsty. I'm never thirsty. I'm the slowest drinker on the earth. One bottle of water can easily last me all day. And crampy. I never have cramps.
Hmmm..hmmm...
And then AF showed up. With a vengeance. Heavy. But before AF was spotting. I never have spotting before AF. And not only is AF heavy but also very tissuey and clotty (sorry...). Only time I've ever had another other than light blood for AF was after my c/p.
Then it all hit me. I was pregnant. I just had another chemical. I'd bet my life on it. I've been through 3 years of BFNs. I've had one pregnancy. I can tell the difference. And this was a pregnancy. And it is over. I was too chicken to test when AF was late and now I'm glad I was chicken. Sure, I'd know for sure..but my body and heart already know for sure. And to see another + test only to have it ripped away..not worth it.
I should call my RE and get in for a beta to try to confirm. Although, at this point, I'm sure the beta would be negative. If The Coach and I ever do decided to seek infertility treatments again, I'll tell them about it. And I know they'd trust my judgement. But, for now, I won't. It doesn't change anything. I still *only* have two losses. So they wouldn't do any further testing. And since it is seeming to be doubtful that we will cycle again..what's the point?
In some ways, I suppose this could be a positive. I got pregnant without medical intervention. Could it ever happen again? Possibly. Is it likely? Of course not.
But it could be bad, too. A glimpse at something like RPL? Maybe. God I hope not.
So...for now...I'm sad. And I'm feeling pain. And to get through, I'll have wine. Red, please.
And then yesterday she showed up.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Conflicted
Yes, I'm still alive.
Yes, I'm still dealing with infertility.
No, I didn't forget about this blog.
I just really haven't had anything to say.
I'm very confused right now. About everything. About why this is my life. About why it is so easy for most and so hard for others. About what to do next. Can I live this way forever and be happy? Childless, with just The Coach and feel good about my life? Some days I think yes, that's entirely possible. Other days, days like today, I think I'm crazy for ever thinking I could be happy with this as my life.
I'm fairly certain I have an ovarian cyst right now. I really probably should go see my RE to get it taken care of (ultrasound to confirm, birth control pills to treat) but the thought of going back to the clinic, even for something not really related to treatment, gives me a panic attack. And makes me want to puke. And throw things at someone. All simeltaneously. So I probably won't get it taken care of. At least not any time soon. What good are my ovaries anyway? Who cares if they have a massive blob on them? Certainly not me. Serves them right anyway ;)
The Coach is still in season. It has been a long one this year. And they still have two more regular season series to go, plus the conference tournament and the post-season play. So probably another 4 weeks...it is has gotten very tiresome this year. But, I can honestly say, for the first season ever I've never once thought to myself while sitting at his game "Next year I'll be here with our child". I guess that's progress? Accepting, realizing, owning our fate? Maybe.
The Coach and I really need to sit down and hash out our future plans. He wants to do a few more IUIs, you know how I feel about going back to that place. But I still feel like I can't say no to him. I'm the reason he isn't a daddy yet, and will never be a daddy, but can I really say no to giving him a [non-existant] chance?
So, in short...I'm still angry. I'm still pissed. I'm still bitter. I'm still angry at the world. I'm still jealous of fertiles and infertiles with babies. And I still don't have any hope or fight.
Fucking shitty place to be, no?
Yes, I'm still dealing with infertility.
No, I didn't forget about this blog.
I just really haven't had anything to say.
I'm very confused right now. About everything. About why this is my life. About why it is so easy for most and so hard for others. About what to do next. Can I live this way forever and be happy? Childless, with just The Coach and feel good about my life? Some days I think yes, that's entirely possible. Other days, days like today, I think I'm crazy for ever thinking I could be happy with this as my life.
I'm fairly certain I have an ovarian cyst right now. I really probably should go see my RE to get it taken care of (ultrasound to confirm, birth control pills to treat) but the thought of going back to the clinic, even for something not really related to treatment, gives me a panic attack. And makes me want to puke. And throw things at someone. All simeltaneously. So I probably won't get it taken care of. At least not any time soon. What good are my ovaries anyway? Who cares if they have a massive blob on them? Certainly not me. Serves them right anyway ;)
The Coach is still in season. It has been a long one this year. And they still have two more regular season series to go, plus the conference tournament and the post-season play. So probably another 4 weeks...it is has gotten very tiresome this year. But, I can honestly say, for the first season ever I've never once thought to myself while sitting at his game "Next year I'll be here with our child". I guess that's progress? Accepting, realizing, owning our fate? Maybe.
The Coach and I really need to sit down and hash out our future plans. He wants to do a few more IUIs, you know how I feel about going back to that place. But I still feel like I can't say no to him. I'm the reason he isn't a daddy yet, and will never be a daddy, but can I really say no to giving him a [non-existant] chance?
So, in short...I'm still angry. I'm still pissed. I'm still bitter. I'm still angry at the world. I'm still jealous of fertiles and infertiles with babies. And I still don't have any hope or fight.
Fucking shitty place to be, no?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
well hello, there..
Do I still have any readers out there? Yes, yes, I realize it has been ages. I just have nothing going on in regards to the trying to conceive front. Nada. Zilch.
We have been busy, though...The Coach's season is in full swing, first conference series this weekend. Currently they are 21-2 and 2-0 in the SEC :) They've had a wonderful, wonderful start to the season and I hope they keep it up! They have one more game this afternoon and then fly home. I hope to see him before midnight.
Other than the season, I've been swamped with work. I run an organization in our recruitment office...I employ current students that assist in the recruitment of prospective students. Right now is hiring time. This year I have 73 applicants..for 40 spots. Because my director is all "give everyone a second, third, fourth chance...just hire everyone!" I have to do phone interviews with all applicants. And then pretty much offer second round (in-person) interviews to everyone as well. So...in two weeks I'll be doing 73 interviews in a week. Ridic.
Oh and since our BFN I've really upped my work outs...running more and doing Zumba often and I've lost almost 20 pounds!
We have been busy, though...The Coach's season is in full swing, first conference series this weekend. Currently they are 21-2 and 2-0 in the SEC :) They've had a wonderful, wonderful start to the season and I hope they keep it up! They have one more game this afternoon and then fly home. I hope to see him before midnight.
Other than the season, I've been swamped with work. I run an organization in our recruitment office...I employ current students that assist in the recruitment of prospective students. Right now is hiring time. This year I have 73 applicants..for 40 spots. Because my director is all "give everyone a second, third, fourth chance...just hire everyone!" I have to do phone interviews with all applicants. And then pretty much offer second round (in-person) interviews to everyone as well. So...in two weeks I'll be doing 73 interviews in a week. Ridic.
Oh and since our BFN I've really upped my work outs...running more and doing Zumba often and I've lost almost 20 pounds!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
my heart
I truly believe my heart has begun to accept the fact that we will never have children.
I've found that, surprisingly, I've thought less and less about having a family...less and less about being pregnant...less and less about infertility. I'm just so over it all. 3 years of my life...devoted to it and wasted. Sickening.
I've also been visiting the Infertility message board that I frequented for the past two years (and by frequented I mean spent a ridiculous amount of time there) less and less. I just have no interest in it any more. Everyone there is getting pregnant except for me. Again, sickening.
I guess this all happened in a very different way than I had imagined it would..I really never thought I'd accept my fate..I figured I'd have to force myself and end up pretending. But it appears that may not be the case...
I've found that, surprisingly, I've thought less and less about having a family...less and less about being pregnant...less and less about infertility. I'm just so over it all. 3 years of my life...devoted to it and wasted. Sickening.
I've also been visiting the Infertility message board that I frequented for the past two years (and by frequented I mean spent a ridiculous amount of time there) less and less. I just have no interest in it any more. Everyone there is getting pregnant except for me. Again, sickening.
I guess this all happened in a very different way than I had imagined it would..I really never thought I'd accept my fate..I figured I'd have to force myself and end up pretending. But it appears that may not be the case...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
15-0!
The Coach's team is currently undefeated...15-0! Not only is that the best start in program history but they are also riding the longest win streak in program history. YAY!
The real test will come this weekend...the team is traveling out to Oklahoma to take on two highly ranked teams. Guess we will see what they are really made of come Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
I'm going out to Oklahoma on Thursday...The Coach's parents are able to make the drive down there much easier than they are able to come visit us here so they wanted me to meet up with them there. I've never been to Oklahoma before but I'm excited about the visit. The weather, on the other hand, looks a bit chilly...
The real test will come this weekend...the team is traveling out to Oklahoma to take on two highly ranked teams. Guess we will see what they are really made of come Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
I'm going out to Oklahoma on Thursday...The Coach's parents are able to make the drive down there much easier than they are able to come visit us here so they wanted me to meet up with them there. I've never been to Oklahoma before but I'm excited about the visit. The weather, on the other hand, looks a bit chilly...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
at least something
is going well...
The Coach is 11 days into his games and his team is 9-0 so far. Tied for the best start in school history! Granted, they haven't played super challenging teams but they've won, all the same. The real test will be tomorrow, a mid-week game, when they try to break the record.
Fingers crossed...
The Coach is 11 days into his games and his team is 9-0 so far. Tied for the best start in school history! Granted, they haven't played super challenging teams but they've won, all the same. The real test will be tomorrow, a mid-week game, when they try to break the record.
Fingers crossed...
Friday, February 18, 2011
alone
I'm all alone. And I'm sad. I just can't believe this is my life. Always alone. The Coach is busy scouting games. I'm at home, in an empty house, by myself. As usual.
And the saddest part is knowing this is how it will always be. I will always come home to an empty house. I will never have a family.
And the saddest part is knowing this is how it will always be. I will always come home to an empty house. I will never have a family.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
tonight is the night
I've officially decided that tonight The Coach and I will sit down and decide our future. Make a decision as to whether or not we will cycle again. And, if we decide to cycle again, when and what type of cycle we will do.
I hate being in limbo. HATE IT. That was my goal..the one thing I wanted to avoid at all costs. And look where we are.
So tonight it ends...we ARE making a decision tonight. One way or the other. It will happen.
I hate being in limbo. HATE IT. That was my goal..the one thing I wanted to avoid at all costs. And look where we are.
So tonight it ends...we ARE making a decision tonight. One way or the other. It will happen.
Monday, February 14, 2011
happy valentine's day
The Coach is actually home for Valentine's Day this year! I'm pretty sure this is the first time this has ever happened! It is our 6th V-day together and I'm totally shocked. I can not believe we've known each other for more than 6 years...time has really flown by!
The Coach and I don't have any big plans for the *special day* but he will be cooking me dinner tonight---grilled steak, pasta ai quattro formaggi and grilled asparagus. And I made a chocolate layer cake yesterday for him for dessert (I may sneak a teeny tiny little piece). Should be a good night!
Oh and The Coach had his first games of the season this past weekend and they started out 4-0! Hopefully the perfect record thus far is a sign of many good things to come for the team. It would be truly awesome to have a stress-free season. Fingers crossed...
Hope everyone has a fabulous Valentine's Day with those that mean the most to you!
xoxo
The Coach and I don't have any big plans for the *special day* but he will be cooking me dinner tonight---grilled steak, pasta ai quattro formaggi and grilled asparagus. And I made a chocolate layer cake yesterday for him for dessert (I may sneak a teeny tiny little piece). Should be a good night!
Oh and The Coach had his first games of the season this past weekend and they started out 4-0! Hopefully the perfect record thus far is a sign of many good things to come for the team. It would be truly awesome to have a stress-free season. Fingers crossed...
Hope everyone has a fabulous Valentine's Day with those that mean the most to you!
xoxo
Friday, February 11, 2011
the upside of stress
Is lack of appetite.
I've lost 8 pounds in a week.
Granted, I have been working out more and drinking more water and some of it is definitely water weight. But I still attribute a lot of it to stress and sadness.
I've lost 8 pounds in a week.
Granted, I have been working out more and drinking more water and some of it is definitely water weight. But I still attribute a lot of it to stress and sadness.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
stress
I'm feeling a ridiculous amount of stress today. I'm stressed about pretty much everything. I'm stressed about The Coach's season starting. I'm stressed about some issues at my job. I'm stressed about what our future holds and the choices we have to make. I'm stressed about the amount of money we've spent all of these fertility treatments and have nothing to show for it. I'm stressed about being sick. I'm not happy with a lot of things in my life right now (aside from the fertility issues) and that is causing me stress.
I feel like I can't function as a human being right now.
Yesterday, on an infertility message board I frequent, someone wrote that they feel like they aren't living life but rather they are just existing. That is exactly how I feel. Like I'm just here. But that's it.
I feel like I can't function as a human being right now.
Yesterday, on an infertility message board I frequent, someone wrote that they feel like they aren't living life but rather they are just existing. That is exactly how I feel. Like I'm just here. But that's it.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
what...the....f*ck
Well, we had our WTF appointment this morning and boy, all I can really say is f*ck.
It didn't go at all like I was expecting it to..I thought our RE would say that she was disappointed in the way our IVF cycle went, that they recommended a change of protocol and to try another IVF cycle whenever we were ready. I also assumed that our chance of success with IVF would drop a bit but I was not expecting how much...
Basically she said our biggest issue now is egg quality. And that it is strange, given my age. That there were so few eggs retrieved and that the quality of those that were was less than stellar. Because of the fact that we got so few eggs, the team of REs at my clinic do not recommend we do another IVF cycle. WTF...not expecting that! She said it really doesn't seem worth it...to go through all of that for a 30% chance of success. That's right, they are giving us a 30% chance of successfully having a baby through IVF. OUCH. Basically, between the cost of IVF (plus the meds that I'd be put on next cycle--600iu Gonal-F!!), the toll it takes on a body and the little chance we have of success with it, it just isn't the best road for us to take.
She said that the REs at the practice recommend we do another IUI cycle. HUH?!? Our issue isn't really getting eggs to fertilize..the ones that were good eggs from our IVF cycle fertilized well (granted, it was with ICSI but..) and there was that chemical pregnancy back in October. Our issue is getting good eggs so that they can fertilize. And, obviously, IVF doesn't help us get better eggs. She gave us a 15-20% chance of success with IUI.
Crazy, huh? IVF, which costs upwards of $12k, takes two+ months to do, is extremely hard on ones body gives us only a little bit better chance than IUI (which costs, everything included, around $800 and is basically done in two weeks).
I just don't know what to do or think. I want a plan. I want to know if we are moving forward or if our journey ends here. And this just put a whole new spin on things. WTF do we do? I really want closure...it has almost been 3 years of this shit and I'm tired of it. But I'm not so sure I can give up on my dream right now...even if that dream is next to impossible to achieve. I'm just so confused.
I hate, hate, hate that this is my life.
It didn't go at all like I was expecting it to..I thought our RE would say that she was disappointed in the way our IVF cycle went, that they recommended a change of protocol and to try another IVF cycle whenever we were ready. I also assumed that our chance of success with IVF would drop a bit but I was not expecting how much...
Basically she said our biggest issue now is egg quality. And that it is strange, given my age. That there were so few eggs retrieved and that the quality of those that were was less than stellar. Because of the fact that we got so few eggs, the team of REs at my clinic do not recommend we do another IVF cycle. WTF...not expecting that! She said it really doesn't seem worth it...to go through all of that for a 30% chance of success. That's right, they are giving us a 30% chance of successfully having a baby through IVF. OUCH. Basically, between the cost of IVF (plus the meds that I'd be put on next cycle--600iu Gonal-F!!), the toll it takes on a body and the little chance we have of success with it, it just isn't the best road for us to take.
She said that the REs at the practice recommend we do another IUI cycle. HUH?!? Our issue isn't really getting eggs to fertilize..the ones that were good eggs from our IVF cycle fertilized well (granted, it was with ICSI but..) and there was that chemical pregnancy back in October. Our issue is getting good eggs so that they can fertilize. And, obviously, IVF doesn't help us get better eggs. She gave us a 15-20% chance of success with IUI.
Crazy, huh? IVF, which costs upwards of $12k, takes two+ months to do, is extremely hard on ones body gives us only a little bit better chance than IUI (which costs, everything included, around $800 and is basically done in two weeks).
I just don't know what to do or think. I want a plan. I want to know if we are moving forward or if our journey ends here. And this just put a whole new spin on things. WTF do we do? I really want closure...it has almost been 3 years of this shit and I'm tired of it. But I'm not so sure I can give up on my dream right now...even if that dream is next to impossible to achieve. I'm just so confused.
I hate, hate, hate that this is my life.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
heavenly
The Coach and I had a fabulous time at the beach this weekend! Destin is a beautiful, beautiful place! We arrived at the hotel at about 11 on Friday night and it was still kind of rainy so we just settled into the room (with our respective bottles of beer and glasses of wine) and checked out the view from the balcony. The Coach is a priority club rewards member so there is always little notes, coupons and certificates when we check into a hotel so I barely noticed the note on the bed when we got in our room. When I finally did pick it up it was a note from The Coach's parents saying that breakfast in bed and mimosas for Saturday morning had been taken care of! So sweet! What a thoughtful thing to do! So when we woke up on Saturday we ordered our breakfast and mimosas and enjoyed every last drop of the champagne. After breakfast we went for a long walk on the beach...the sand was so white! Just gorgeous. And, for the record, not a hint of oil anywhere...
After our walk we got ready and went to lunch at a fantastic pub, I had the shrimp po'boy and it was by far the best sandwich I've ever eaten! After lunch we did some shopping at the outlets and then went back to the hotel to relax. Before dinner we took another stroll on the beach and got some great pictures of the sun setting over the Gulf of Mexico. It was so pretty and serene! Then we went to dinner at The Back Porch. The seafood was outstanding and the drinks were even better :)
We had planned on going to a dueling piano bar after dinner but, unfortunately, the bar was closed for renovations. We were so stuffed from the great seafood that we settled on getting a few drinks in the hotel bar before hitting up the hot tub and pool. It was a fun night!
This morning we took one last walk on the beach and then had a fantastic breakfast at Another Broken Egg. Seriously, if you are ever in a city that has Another Broken Egg you have to go. The food was out of this world!
On the drive home The Coach and I had a long talk about our future with infertility and we also discussed adoption. But that's another post for another day. The overall gist, though, is that we are both tired of infertility and fertility treatments consuming our lives and adoption isn't an option for us. So, where exactly we stand, I don't know...
Friday, February 4, 2011
beach
The Coach and I are going to away to the beach this weekend! We are leaving right after he finishes up with practice today which will hopefully be in about 4.5 hours. We need this getaway so badly. Just to spend time together, be away from everyone and everything, put the computers away and the phones down..we need time to reconnect again.
I'm so thankful that he planned this little trip. It means so, so much to me and I'm so happy to be married to someone who cares enough about me and my mental stability to do this!
Soon I'll be drinking my worries away with the beautiful view of the Gulf of Mexico spread in front of me!
CHEERS!
I'm so thankful that he planned this little trip. It means so, so much to me and I'm so happy to be married to someone who cares enough about me and my mental stability to do this!
Soon I'll be drinking my worries away with the beautiful view of the Gulf of Mexico spread in front of me!
CHEERS!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
martinis for dinner
The Coach sent me an email earlier today informing me that our neighborhood Pub now has "Martini Tuesdays" with all of their signature martinis for $5.
Sold!
So, tonight, as with the past few nights, I'll be drinking my dinner....a good French Martini here I come!
(I don't even want to admit how much alcohol I've consumed since Friday. Seriously.)
Sold!
So, tonight, as with the past few nights, I'll be drinking my dinner....a good French Martini here I come!
(I don't even want to admit how much alcohol I've consumed since Friday. Seriously.)
Monday, January 31, 2011
don't know what to say
I really don't. I really can't put into words what I'm feeling, what we are going through and the fear I'm feeling right now.
The Coach and I just spent time together on Friday night...processing the news and supporting each other. I've never seen him so upset at anything and it absolutely broke my heart. I hate, hate, hate that I'm causing him this much pain. He doesn't deserve this.
We also had to tell our parents and they are, of course, devastated for us. They hate that we are going through this, they hate the pain we feel, and, as parents, they want to make it better. And the can't.
The Coach is planning a quick get away for us next weekend...we are going to the beach. I am SO thankful that he thought of this and is making it work with his schedule. We need to get away. We need this time together. We need to relax and reconnect and just enjoy each other. Especially since his games start the following weekend.
I think I really underestimated the physical toll that IVF would take on my body. I've been sick since last Wednesday and I feel like hell. I think I'm just so run down from everything that this happened and I wasn't expecting this. The sleepless nights, the meds, the trips to the RE, the physical pain of the bloating, ER, ET...it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. And I'm paying for it now.
The Coach and I just spent time together on Friday night...processing the news and supporting each other. I've never seen him so upset at anything and it absolutely broke my heart. I hate, hate, hate that I'm causing him this much pain. He doesn't deserve this.
We also had to tell our parents and they are, of course, devastated for us. They hate that we are going through this, they hate the pain we feel, and, as parents, they want to make it better. And the can't.
The Coach is planning a quick get away for us next weekend...we are going to the beach. I am SO thankful that he thought of this and is making it work with his schedule. We need to get away. We need this time together. We need to relax and reconnect and just enjoy each other. Especially since his games start the following weekend.
I think I really underestimated the physical toll that IVF would take on my body. I've been sick since last Wednesday and I feel like hell. I think I'm just so run down from everything that this happened and I wasn't expecting this. The sleepless nights, the meds, the trips to the RE, the physical pain of the bloating, ER, ET...it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. And I'm paying for it now.
Friday, January 28, 2011
BFFN
Just like I knew it would be, my nurse just called to confirm my negative beta.
I really have no other words.
I really have no other words.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
::crickets::
So sorry I've been slacking with blogging. I just really have nothing to report. Well nothing other than the fact that I've been POAS since Sunday (so 4dp5dt, 5dp5dt and 6dp5dt) and have yet to see anything other than stark white. All negatives. Figures. I'm pretty much accepting the fact that our first IVF cycle didn't work. Pregnancy would show up on a FRER by 11dpo (which equals 6dp5dt so that was last night's tests).
I want to stop my PIO shots so badly. I've felt like crap all week and, since I'm not pregnant, I'm sure it is the progesterone. 2cc daily + Crinone daily is just too much. Yuck. I actually almost didn't take it last night. I was in a mood, The Coach (who gives me IM shots) was fast asleep in the recliner and I almost said F it all. But I'm a big chicken, and I like to torture myself (with lots of stark white HPTs and big, huge, painful needles) so of course I did it.
I just wish Friday would get here so I could have the official word that my body sucks ass and so I could stop the shots.
I want to stop my PIO shots so badly. I've felt like crap all week and, since I'm not pregnant, I'm sure it is the progesterone. 2cc daily + Crinone daily is just too much. Yuck. I actually almost didn't take it last night. I was in a mood, The Coach (who gives me IM shots) was fast asleep in the recliner and I almost said F it all. But I'm a big chicken, and I like to torture myself (with lots of stark white HPTs and big, huge, painful needles) so of course I did it.
I just wish Friday would get here so I could have the official word that my body sucks ass and so I could stop the shots.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
draaaaaaaaaaging
Time is absolutely dragging by. I just can not believe I'm only 4dp5dt (4 days past 5 day transfer). I can not believe I have this whole entire week to go before my beta. I likely won't get my results until late in the afternoon on Friday. So long from now!
I'm thinking about starting to POAS soon. But I'm scared shitless.
I'm thinking about starting to POAS soon. But I'm scared shitless.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
our embabies!
Our very first picture of our kids. We are so proud :)
Also, I POAS tonight to test out the trigger..imagine my surprise when the test was negative! I triggered with 15,000 units of Novarel just 8 days ago, I thought for sure there would be at least a fain line. But nope, stark white.
Guess that means the real POAS can commence soon! Eek! Please send us some + vibes!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
transfer complete!
Eek! Right now I have two beautiful little embabies inside me! Crazy...
First and foremost, we have two great pictures, one of the embabies in the lab and one of my ute after they put them inside. The Coach was going to take them to his office to scan so I could post but he forgot to grab them as he ran out the door. Tomorrow :)
The transfer went very well. The drive up to Birmingham was very easy and fast today so we were just getting into town at 10:30 when I was supposed to start drinking my 24 ounces of water. Now, I'm the worlds slowest drinker and I have a small bladder so I knew I wouldn't need to drink the full 24 ounces. I had a few sips of Sprite and then drank a bottle of water. Right when we pulled into the parking deck I took the Valium and then grabbed another bottle of water to take inside with me. When we got inside I went up to the desk to sign-in and the receptionist told me that someone had left a gift for me!?! Immediately I knew that it was from a friend I had met on an online Infertility message board who goes to the same clinic as me and had an appointment earlier in the morning. I sat down in the (packed) waiting room with The Coach and opened the bag. There was a super sweet card that brought tears to my eyes, a gorgeous plaque about courage and a stuffed penguin (long story--a good luck charm). I couldn't believe she did that! So very sweet of her! I started crying right then and there.
By this time my bladder was feeling pretty full so I stopped with the water. Only a few minutes after signing in the procedure room nurse called us back. I got all changed into my gown, booties (over my lucky socks!) and hair net. The Coach also had to put on a gown, booties, a hair net and a mask over his mouth. Then we signed the consents and she wheeled me into the procedure room. She informed us that my RE was out working at (my) the satellite office today so a different RE would be doing the transfer. She got me all set up in the room and did an ultrasound of my bladder to see how full it was. I was only in a little bit of pain so I was surprised when she told me it was totally, totally full. She found out that the RE was about 20 minutes out from making it into the procedure room so she had me empty my bladder a bit. She said to count twelve "Mississippis". Then she did another ultrasound and said it was still really full and I'd be fine if I emptied it for another fourteen "Mississippis" so I did. I really felt like my bladder was empty by this point but another ultrasound revealed that it wasn't! So I did one more quick trip to the bathroom and then she gave me a heated blanket and got me all situated on the bed.
While I was in the bathroom one of those times The Coach asked her the state of our embabies. She told him that two were very good and the third wasn't really dividing properly. I sort of walked back in mid-conversation so they filled me in. Then the embryologist poked her head through the window and verified our names and my birthdate and said the doctor would be right in. The nurse gave me a sweet, soft little teddy bear and told me it was mine to keep and that if we ended up with twins I'd have to come back and get another one :) By this time the Valium was hitting me a little and I was slightly weepy. She told us she was going to turn some music on and asked what kind of music we like. The Coach told her I like country so that's what she put on.
Then the RE came into the procedure room and we made a bit of small talk. He showed us a chart of our embryos and the picture of them (!) and told us that one was a "perfect blast" (which is the stage it should be in on day 5) and the second was "minutes away from being a blast" and he expected it would turn into a blast today inside me.
He prepped the area and we were ready to go. The nurse did an ultrasound while the RE inserted the catheter and then pushed the embabies in. You can't really see the embabies once they are in the uterus (they are microscopic) but we could see the fluid they were in and the nurse printed off a picture of that for us, too. Then I was wheeled back out to recovery where I had to lay for 15 minutes. Once the time was up I was told to go get dressed and we were free to go.
The Coach and I grabbed lunch and then I slept the whole way home. Now I'm parked on the couch for today and tomorrow, hoping and praying that one (or both) sticks!
I can't believe our IVF cycle is essentially over. It all seemed so overwhelming going in but now looking back, it went super fast and really wasn't that hard. I hope, hope, hope I never have to do this again but, if I do, I definitely could.
Beta is scheduled for Friday, January 28th.
First and foremost, we have two great pictures, one of the embabies in the lab and one of my ute after they put them inside. The Coach was going to take them to his office to scan so I could post but he forgot to grab them as he ran out the door. Tomorrow :)
The transfer went very well. The drive up to Birmingham was very easy and fast today so we were just getting into town at 10:30 when I was supposed to start drinking my 24 ounces of water. Now, I'm the worlds slowest drinker and I have a small bladder so I knew I wouldn't need to drink the full 24 ounces. I had a few sips of Sprite and then drank a bottle of water. Right when we pulled into the parking deck I took the Valium and then grabbed another bottle of water to take inside with me. When we got inside I went up to the desk to sign-in and the receptionist told me that someone had left a gift for me!?! Immediately I knew that it was from a friend I had met on an online Infertility message board who goes to the same clinic as me and had an appointment earlier in the morning. I sat down in the (packed) waiting room with The Coach and opened the bag. There was a super sweet card that brought tears to my eyes, a gorgeous plaque about courage and a stuffed penguin (long story--a good luck charm). I couldn't believe she did that! So very sweet of her! I started crying right then and there.
By this time my bladder was feeling pretty full so I stopped with the water. Only a few minutes after signing in the procedure room nurse called us back. I got all changed into my gown, booties (over my lucky socks!) and hair net. The Coach also had to put on a gown, booties, a hair net and a mask over his mouth. Then we signed the consents and she wheeled me into the procedure room. She informed us that my RE was out working at (my) the satellite office today so a different RE would be doing the transfer. She got me all set up in the room and did an ultrasound of my bladder to see how full it was. I was only in a little bit of pain so I was surprised when she told me it was totally, totally full. She found out that the RE was about 20 minutes out from making it into the procedure room so she had me empty my bladder a bit. She said to count twelve "Mississippis". Then she did another ultrasound and said it was still really full and I'd be fine if I emptied it for another fourteen "Mississippis" so I did. I really felt like my bladder was empty by this point but another ultrasound revealed that it wasn't! So I did one more quick trip to the bathroom and then she gave me a heated blanket and got me all situated on the bed.
While I was in the bathroom one of those times The Coach asked her the state of our embabies. She told him that two were very good and the third wasn't really dividing properly. I sort of walked back in mid-conversation so they filled me in. Then the embryologist poked her head through the window and verified our names and my birthdate and said the doctor would be right in. The nurse gave me a sweet, soft little teddy bear and told me it was mine to keep and that if we ended up with twins I'd have to come back and get another one :) By this time the Valium was hitting me a little and I was slightly weepy. She told us she was going to turn some music on and asked what kind of music we like. The Coach told her I like country so that's what she put on.
Then the RE came into the procedure room and we made a bit of small talk. He showed us a chart of our embryos and the picture of them (!) and told us that one was a "perfect blast" (which is the stage it should be in on day 5) and the second was "minutes away from being a blast" and he expected it would turn into a blast today inside me.
He prepped the area and we were ready to go. The nurse did an ultrasound while the RE inserted the catheter and then pushed the embabies in. You can't really see the embabies once they are in the uterus (they are microscopic) but we could see the fluid they were in and the nurse printed off a picture of that for us, too. Then I was wheeled back out to recovery where I had to lay for 15 minutes. Once the time was up I was told to go get dressed and we were free to go.
The Coach and I grabbed lunch and then I slept the whole way home. Now I'm parked on the couch for today and tomorrow, hoping and praying that one (or both) sticks!
I can't believe our IVF cycle is essentially over. It all seemed so overwhelming going in but now looking back, it went super fast and really wasn't that hard. I hope, hope, hope I never have to do this again but, if I do, I definitely could.
Beta is scheduled for Friday, January 28th.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
less than 24 hours
And I will be PUPO...Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!
Tomorrow at this time I will (God willing) have two beautiful embabies inside of me! I'm just keeping everything crossed in hopes that we end up with blasts!
The Coach is going to pick up my Rx for Valium for the transfer tonight and I feel like I'm really going to need it.
Please keep The Coach, our little embabies and myself in your thoughts and prayers. This is huge.
This is so huge.
Tomorrow at this time I will (God willing) have two beautiful embabies inside of me! I'm just keeping everything crossed in hopes that we end up with blasts!
The Coach is going to pick up my Rx for Valium for the transfer tonight and I feel like I'm really going to need it.
Please keep The Coach, our little embabies and myself in your thoughts and prayers. This is huge.
This is so huge.
Monday, January 17, 2011
well....we have
3 strong embryos!
I waited all damn day for the call from my nurse...she finally called at 3:00 to let me know that all three of our mature eggs from Saturday have developed into "strong embryos"!!!
My clinic does not give out the specifics (# of cells, fragmentation, grade) of the embryos until you arrive at the clinic for the transfer but she repeated twice that they were "strong" so I'll take it!
We are on for our transfer on Wednesday at 11:30am. My nurse asked if I wanted her to call in a Rx for Valium for me for the transfer and while I wanted to scream "HELL YES! I could have used that today, too!" I just said "I think that would be best!".
I can't believe it. We have three embabies growing. It is absolutely crazy how much I love those little petri dishes full of cells right now...but I do. I love them a ton. And I hope, hope, hope they keep being strong...keep growing and dividing and turn into blasts for our transfer. I can't wait to see pictures of them :)
I waited all damn day for the call from my nurse...she finally called at 3:00 to let me know that all three of our mature eggs from Saturday have developed into "strong embryos"!!!
My clinic does not give out the specifics (# of cells, fragmentation, grade) of the embryos until you arrive at the clinic for the transfer but she repeated twice that they were "strong" so I'll take it!
We are on for our transfer on Wednesday at 11:30am. My nurse asked if I wanted her to call in a Rx for Valium for me for the transfer and while I wanted to scream "HELL YES! I could have used that today, too!" I just said "I think that would be best!".
I can't believe it. We have three embabies growing. It is absolutely crazy how much I love those little petri dishes full of cells right now...but I do. I love them a ton. And I hope, hope, hope they keep being strong...keep growing and dividing and turn into blasts for our transfer. I can't wait to see pictures of them :)
Sunday, January 16, 2011
retrieval
It has been awhile since I've popped a pain killer so my mind is a little less foggy and now I'm able to share our experience of our first (and hopefully only!) egg retrieval.
The retrieval was scheduled for 8:30 on Friday morning so we had to be at the clinic at 7:30. This was at the main clinic, up in Birmingham, which is a 2.5 hour drive (each way) on a good day. Because the last hour of the trip is all stop and go traffic with stoplights every 100 yards, we have to plan some cushion time in our travels. Because of that, we left the house at about 4:45am. We arrived at the hospital (my clinic is part of a large hospital and they have their own floor in the Women's Center area) a little after 7:00. The Coach was starving, of course, so he asked if we could stop by the cafeteria quickly. I was dying of thirst and hunger but I obliged. He got his biscuits and gravy and coffee and he ate it in a hurry. As soon as he was done we headed up to the clinic. We checked in and only had to wait for a few minutes before my IVF nurse came to get us. My clinic has their own private little OR and recovery room at the end of the hall and that's where we went. She introduced us to the nurse who would be with me, told us we were the only ones in the OR that day, so we'd have the OR/recovery room all to ourselves and showed me where to change into the gown and lock my clothes up.
Once I was changed and all settled into bed the nurse went over the procedure with us, had us sign all of the necessary paperwork and started my IV. Then we waited. My RE had been in surgery in the main hospital OR that morning and wasn't back to the clinic yet. We talked with the nurse about the weather...and dogs...and celebrity gossip. And we waited. Finally she got the call that the RE was back in the clinic and she was to set me up in the OR. The nurse sent The Coach off to give his sample and wheeled me through the door of the recovery room into the OR. She apologized for the freezing temperature..apparently the ice/snow storm that Birmingham had earlier in the week had messed up their outdoor heating/cooling unit and it wasn't working properly yet. She said the day before it had been 85 degrees in the OR, Friday it was 60 degrees.
I moved over onto the operating table and she hooked me up the oxygen, heart monitors and blood pressure cuff. Then she stepped out to take a call. Suddenly this little window off to my left swung open and this incredibly peppy, energetic voice filled the room "Hello there! How are you? My name is Sheri and I'm the embryologist...I'll be taking care of your little eggies today!" I told her I was fine and ready to go and she said great and just as quickly as she appeared, she was gone.
A few minutes later the nurse came back into the OR and said she was going to give me a little dose of drugs...not enough to knock me out though, because she still needed me to move into "the position". After she pushed the first round of drugs my RE came into the OR. She asked how I was and said we were about to get started. I got my legs all up in the stirrups and then the nurse pushed another round of drugs. She asked me if I was sleepy and I said no. She gave me another round. Then my RE started to prepare the area, get all of her tools situated and asked how I was doing. I said I was fine so they pushed the 4th round of drugs and said because everything was time sensitive, they were going to start but I should be out before anything really happened.
WRONG.
I felt everything. I felt an insane amount of pain when the needle punctured the follicle. I heard the RE say "Egg number 1".....pain again...."Egg number 2"...and so on. Then she said "Ok, 4 eggs, we are done". And then I don't remember anything else. I think this is when the meds finally kicked in. Next thing I remember was opening my eyes in recovery and seeing The Coach. I said "We only got 4, right?" and he said "Yea...how do you know that?" and I told him I was awake during the procedure. He told me he talked to our RE and she said she knew I would be disappointed that we only got 4 but from what she could tell, all 4 looked good. Apparently there really was 10-12 eggs but only 4 were mature. She thinks that has been our problem all along and explains our lack of pregnancy and our chemical pregnancy.
Then, since I was awake, the nurse gave me some crackers and Sprite and took out my IV. After a few minutes she asked if I felt well enough to get dressed by myself or if I needed The Coach's help. I told her I was fine so she sent me into the changing room and him down to get the car. After I was all changed she put me in a wheelchair and took me down to the patient pick-up area. On the way down I asked her if she knew anything about the eggs we got and she said she only knew we got 4.
I fell asleep as soon as I was in the car and woke up when we got back to town. The Coach dropped my Rx for pain killers off, got me Chick-fil-a and settled me on the couch. By the time he got back with the pain killers, I was in a lot of pain and needed one immediately.
Since then all I've really done is veg on the couch and sleep. The pain killers knock me out. The pain is much worse than I was anticipating but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I was awake and tense during the procedure.
Now we wait. We wait until we get that next call from the embryologist tomorrow telling us the status of our embryos. I'm so scared. I just don't feel like 3 is good enough. I'm terrified we will end up with nothing to transfer.
The retrieval was scheduled for 8:30 on Friday morning so we had to be at the clinic at 7:30. This was at the main clinic, up in Birmingham, which is a 2.5 hour drive (each way) on a good day. Because the last hour of the trip is all stop and go traffic with stoplights every 100 yards, we have to plan some cushion time in our travels. Because of that, we left the house at about 4:45am. We arrived at the hospital (my clinic is part of a large hospital and they have their own floor in the Women's Center area) a little after 7:00. The Coach was starving, of course, so he asked if we could stop by the cafeteria quickly. I was dying of thirst and hunger but I obliged. He got his biscuits and gravy and coffee and he ate it in a hurry. As soon as he was done we headed up to the clinic. We checked in and only had to wait for a few minutes before my IVF nurse came to get us. My clinic has their own private little OR and recovery room at the end of the hall and that's where we went. She introduced us to the nurse who would be with me, told us we were the only ones in the OR that day, so we'd have the OR/recovery room all to ourselves and showed me where to change into the gown and lock my clothes up.
Once I was changed and all settled into bed the nurse went over the procedure with us, had us sign all of the necessary paperwork and started my IV. Then we waited. My RE had been in surgery in the main hospital OR that morning and wasn't back to the clinic yet. We talked with the nurse about the weather...and dogs...and celebrity gossip. And we waited. Finally she got the call that the RE was back in the clinic and she was to set me up in the OR. The nurse sent The Coach off to give his sample and wheeled me through the door of the recovery room into the OR. She apologized for the freezing temperature..apparently the ice/snow storm that Birmingham had earlier in the week had messed up their outdoor heating/cooling unit and it wasn't working properly yet. She said the day before it had been 85 degrees in the OR, Friday it was 60 degrees.
I moved over onto the operating table and she hooked me up the oxygen, heart monitors and blood pressure cuff. Then she stepped out to take a call. Suddenly this little window off to my left swung open and this incredibly peppy, energetic voice filled the room "Hello there! How are you? My name is Sheri and I'm the embryologist...I'll be taking care of your little eggies today!" I told her I was fine and ready to go and she said great and just as quickly as she appeared, she was gone.
A few minutes later the nurse came back into the OR and said she was going to give me a little dose of drugs...not enough to knock me out though, because she still needed me to move into "the position". After she pushed the first round of drugs my RE came into the OR. She asked how I was and said we were about to get started. I got my legs all up in the stirrups and then the nurse pushed another round of drugs. She asked me if I was sleepy and I said no. She gave me another round. Then my RE started to prepare the area, get all of her tools situated and asked how I was doing. I said I was fine so they pushed the 4th round of drugs and said because everything was time sensitive, they were going to start but I should be out before anything really happened.
WRONG.
I felt everything. I felt an insane amount of pain when the needle punctured the follicle. I heard the RE say "Egg number 1".....pain again...."Egg number 2"...and so on. Then she said "Ok, 4 eggs, we are done". And then I don't remember anything else. I think this is when the meds finally kicked in. Next thing I remember was opening my eyes in recovery and seeing The Coach. I said "We only got 4, right?" and he said "Yea...how do you know that?" and I told him I was awake during the procedure. He told me he talked to our RE and she said she knew I would be disappointed that we only got 4 but from what she could tell, all 4 looked good. Apparently there really was 10-12 eggs but only 4 were mature. She thinks that has been our problem all along and explains our lack of pregnancy and our chemical pregnancy.
Then, since I was awake, the nurse gave me some crackers and Sprite and took out my IV. After a few minutes she asked if I felt well enough to get dressed by myself or if I needed The Coach's help. I told her I was fine so she sent me into the changing room and him down to get the car. After I was all changed she put me in a wheelchair and took me down to the patient pick-up area. On the way down I asked her if she knew anything about the eggs we got and she said she only knew we got 4.
I fell asleep as soon as I was in the car and woke up when we got back to town. The Coach dropped my Rx for pain killers off, got me Chick-fil-a and settled me on the couch. By the time he got back with the pain killers, I was in a lot of pain and needed one immediately.
Since then all I've really done is veg on the couch and sleep. The pain killers knock me out. The pain is much worse than I was anticipating but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I was awake and tense during the procedure.
Now we wait. We wait until we get that next call from the embryologist tomorrow telling us the status of our embryos. I'm so scared. I just don't feel like 3 is good enough. I'm terrified we will end up with nothing to transfer.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
fertilization report
The lab called at 7am with the fert report....3 of the 4 eggs retrieved fertilized!! That's 75%! I am very, very happy with that!
The lab won't look at them again until Monday and then they'll call with another update for me...Monday seems very far away!
The lab won't look at them again until Monday and then they'll call with another update for me...Monday seems very far away!
Friday, January 14, 2011
broken
That's the only way to describe me...broken. My body is broken. My heart is broken. Any positive spirit I ever had is broken. My dreams are broken.
We only got 4 eggs at retrieval this morning. 4! This leads my RE to believe we have other issues..she said it was obvious from my u/s on Wednesday that I had what appeared to be 10-12 mature follies. 4 follies contained mature eggs, the rest were way, way too immature. She thinks this has been our problem all along. I didn't talk to the RE after the procedure, The Coach did, and that's what he told me. He also told me she knew I'd be disappointed but from what she could tell the eggs all looked "good". Couldn't say whether or not they were really mature. I won't know any more until we receive our fertilization report tomorrow morning. Needless to say, I'm not expecting much. No way will 4 eggs be enough to be mature, fertilize, divide and make it to my "tentatively" scheduled transfer on Wednesday. And we've already scheduled our WTF appointment with my RE. Apparently she isn't hopeful either.
And, another horrific part of this experience was that the anesthesia didn't work at all and I was completely awake for the whole procedure. Painful as hell. I can't even describe.
I feel so totally worthless.
We only got 4 eggs at retrieval this morning. 4! This leads my RE to believe we have other issues..she said it was obvious from my u/s on Wednesday that I had what appeared to be 10-12 mature follies. 4 follies contained mature eggs, the rest were way, way too immature. She thinks this has been our problem all along. I didn't talk to the RE after the procedure, The Coach did, and that's what he told me. He also told me she knew I'd be disappointed but from what she could tell the eggs all looked "good". Couldn't say whether or not they were really mature. I won't know any more until we receive our fertilization report tomorrow morning. Needless to say, I'm not expecting much. No way will 4 eggs be enough to be mature, fertilize, divide and make it to my "tentatively" scheduled transfer on Wednesday. And we've already scheduled our WTF appointment with my RE. Apparently she isn't hopeful either.
And, another horrific part of this experience was that the anesthesia didn't work at all and I was completely awake for the whole procedure. Painful as hell. I can't even describe.
I feel so totally worthless.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
less than 12 hours
and I will be under and these eggs will be in the process of being sucked out!
Fingers crossed, please!
xoxo
Fingers crossed, please!
xoxo
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
triggering tonight!
My IVF nurse just called to tell me that my blood work and ultrasound results from today are good and I'm triggering tonight at 8:30 for a Friday morning ER! WOO-HOO! I'm so excited!
I had a long conversation with my NP about my low E2 this morning. That was the first thing that I asked her and she said she never even saw the results yesterday so she'd pull up my chart. Then she asked me what my E2 was. I told her 488 and asked her if that was low...and her response was "welllllll...maybe". Then she pulled up my chart. Turns out that was actually my E2 from Monday (when the blood work wasn't processed due to the storm) and yesterday's E2 was up in the 600 range. Then she asked me if I was on Ganirelix and when I said yes she told me to absolutely not worry about the E2 level at all. That Ganirelix really suppresses the level in the blood work but it doesn't suppress the number of follicles or their maturity. Basically that while on Ganirelix, an E2 level isn't really very indicative of the number of mature follies a person has. Based on the u/s she is confident we will get around 10 eggs at ER. I'm happy with that!
So tonight, at precisely 8:30, I'll be triggering!
So excited!
I had a long conversation with my NP about my low E2 this morning. That was the first thing that I asked her and she said she never even saw the results yesterday so she'd pull up my chart. Then she asked me what my E2 was. I told her 488 and asked her if that was low...and her response was "welllllll...maybe". Then she pulled up my chart. Turns out that was actually my E2 from Monday (when the blood work wasn't processed due to the storm) and yesterday's E2 was up in the 600 range. Then she asked me if I was on Ganirelix and when I said yes she told me to absolutely not worry about the E2 level at all. That Ganirelix really suppresses the level in the blood work but it doesn't suppress the number of follicles or their maturity. Basically that while on Ganirelix, an E2 level isn't really very indicative of the number of mature follies a person has. Based on the u/s she is confident we will get around 10 eggs at ER. I'm happy with that!
So tonight, at precisely 8:30, I'll be triggering!
So excited!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
*10th night of stims*
Still stimming...based on what my NP said, I thought there was a decent chance I'd trigger tonight for a Thursday ER but I just got the message that I'm to do another round of stims tonight. My largest follicles were within the range that they normally trigger people on my protocol at but because there were quite a few smaller, my RE wants to give them another heavy dose of meds to try to get them mature, too. So I'm happy that this could potentially mean more eggs at ER but I'm also not happy about it because I'm starting to get an upset stomach from the stims and I really just wanted to be done.
So I'll be making another early morning trip up to Montgomery tomorrow....hopefully I'll trigger tomorrow. I really don't think there's anyway I won't...but what do I know?
So I'll be making another early morning trip up to Montgomery tomorrow....hopefully I'll trigger tomorrow. I really don't think there's anyway I won't...but what do I know?
NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!!!
Last night my Auburn Tigers won the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP! Woo-hoo! WAR DAMN EAGLE! What a season...beating Alabama in the Iron Bowl at Alabama, winning the SEC West, winning the SEC Championship game, a Heisman trophy winner and now a national title!
It is great to be an Auburn Tiger!
I'm off to take a nap...I had a monitoring appointment this morning but I won't really have any updates until my blood work comes in and my RE makes a decision. I'll update that later.
It is great to be an Auburn Tiger!
I'm off to take a nap...I had a monitoring appointment this morning but I won't really have any updates until my blood work comes in and my RE makes a decision. I'll update that later.
Monday, January 10, 2011
good news x 2!!
My clinic opened up this morning at 10:00 for IVF patients. I feel so, so blessed because out of their 4 locations, mine was the only one to open! The roads up there really weren't too bad at all...thankfully! I tend to get a bit uptight when driving [or riding] in those situations.
They did do a blood draw but I won't get the results until tomorrow. I was very worried that I was going to be right on that edge of whether or not to trigger and we'd really need my E2 levels to make an informed decision. Luckily that wasn't the case! My largest follie was only at 17 so I'm still not quite to trigger stage! I was so relieved and my NP was, too! I'm taking another round of meds and going back for another check in the morning.
In other good news, my place of employment is closed tomorrow, too! Not really sure why...considering the roads are fine now and it is only supposed to get warmer overnight but I'll take it! It only means that tonight, when my Auburn Tigers win, I'll be able to stay up later "partying"!
I'm sure I've probably come off as a crazy, ridiculous nut job on this blog over the past few days...and I'm sorry for that. I promise I'm really only crazy and controlling...no nut job here!
;)
They did do a blood draw but I won't get the results until tomorrow. I was very worried that I was going to be right on that edge of whether or not to trigger and we'd really need my E2 levels to make an informed decision. Luckily that wasn't the case! My largest follie was only at 17 so I'm still not quite to trigger stage! I was so relieved and my NP was, too! I'm taking another round of meds and going back for another check in the morning.
In other good news, my place of employment is closed tomorrow, too! Not really sure why...considering the roads are fine now and it is only supposed to get warmer overnight but I'll take it! It only means that tonight, when my Auburn Tigers win, I'll be able to stay up later "partying"!
I'm sure I've probably come off as a crazy, ridiculous nut job on this blog over the past few days...and I'm sorry for that. I promise I'm really only crazy and controlling...no nut job here!
;)
shit, shit, shit
My NP called at 5:00 this morning to tell me that my clinic is closed today. Of course it is fucking closed. She said they may be able to open later in the day to do an ultrasound but there's no way I'll be able to get my E2 level back today because they won't be able to get the blood to Birmingham. This is bad. Really bad. In all of my IUI cycles, except for the last one, you know the ONLY one that achieved a pregnancy, my ultrasound results looked great but my E2 level was low...indicating immature follies that looked mature on the ultrasound. And I can't believe we are going to run the risk of that happening again for our IVF cycle. The clinic hasn't closed for weather in over 8 years but, of course, they end up closed on the day that I absolutely need them to be open. I have the worst fucking luck in the whole world.
She also told me that all local Quest and LabCorp labs are closed...so I can't have my draw somewhere else.
She also told me that all local Quest and LabCorp labs are closed...so I can't have my draw somewhere else.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
WAR DAMN EAGLE!
Tomorrow my beloved Auburn Tigers will be playing in the BCS National Championship Game! WOO-HOO! I'm so excited! I hope we blow the Oregon Ducks out.of.the.water! If I ate duck, you'd better believe smoked duck would have been on the menu for this evening ;)
And I'm still asking for t&ps for tomorrow...the weather forecast hasn't improved and I'm really scared. Pretty much everything in the state is closed...universities, schools, court houses, day cares...not good. The Coach just found pictures of Birmingham online and it looks as though they are getting a decent amount of snow right now. Damn.
The Coach is taking me to my appointment tomorrow because I don't drive in snow/ice. I realize I'm from Minnesota so I should be fine with it but I'm not. The worst part of it all is that my clinic doesn't open until 7:00 am and they won't make a call as to the status of the office until they open. Then they'll put it on their answering service. But my clinic is an hour away (in good driving conditions) so we can't wait to hear the status of the office before leaving the house. I'm so scared we are going to get up so freakin' early, drive all the way up there on bad roads and then find them closed when we arrive. Ugh...
I swear I'm jinxed. My cycles can never, ever go off without a hitch.
And I'm still asking for t&ps for tomorrow...the weather forecast hasn't improved and I'm really scared. Pretty much everything in the state is closed...universities, schools, court houses, day cares...not good. The Coach just found pictures of Birmingham online and it looks as though they are getting a decent amount of snow right now. Damn.
The Coach is taking me to my appointment tomorrow because I don't drive in snow/ice. I realize I'm from Minnesota so I should be fine with it but I'm not. The worst part of it all is that my clinic doesn't open until 7:00 am and they won't make a call as to the status of the office until they open. Then they'll put it on their answering service. But my clinic is an hour away (in good driving conditions) so we can't wait to hear the status of the office before leaving the house. I'm so scared we are going to get up so freakin' early, drive all the way up there on bad roads and then find them closed when we arrive. Ugh...
I swear I'm jinxed. My cycles can never, ever go off without a hitch.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
*7th night of stims*
I can't believe I'm already on my 7th night! It is flying by...probably because I've only been in for one monitoring appointment so far...crazy.
I've been doing injectable fertility drugs for almost a year and a half now and last night was the first night I've ever had to do them away from home...nuts, right? We went to a friend's house for dinner and we did the two shots in his bathroom/bedroom. It was no big deal...just a little strange to be shooting up in a bachelor's bedroom ;)
In other news, my work has already announced that we will be closed on Monday because of the winter storm we are going to be "slammed" with. Yay for a 3 day weekend but it only makes me even more nervous that my clinic will be closed on Monday. :/
I really think I'll be triggering on Monday or Tuesday so I hope I'm able to get in on Monday and I hope they are able to get my blood up to the main clinic to be processed. I think it would be fab if I triggered on Tuesday for a Thursday ER. Then I'd be off on Monday this week ("snow" day) and then Thursday and Friday for the ER. The following Monday we are closed for MLK Day and then I'd be out on Tuesday and Wednesday of that week as well for my ET. So I'd be off for 6 days in a row... 4 days of work in two weeks...not too shabby ;)
I'm also still asking for any and all t&ps you may have that everything is open and functioning on Monday for my appointment...I will be a nervous wreck if I have to wait until Tuesday to go in!
I've been doing injectable fertility drugs for almost a year and a half now and last night was the first night I've ever had to do them away from home...nuts, right? We went to a friend's house for dinner and we did the two shots in his bathroom/bedroom. It was no big deal...just a little strange to be shooting up in a bachelor's bedroom ;)
In other news, my work has already announced that we will be closed on Monday because of the winter storm we are going to be "slammed" with. Yay for a 3 day weekend but it only makes me even more nervous that my clinic will be closed on Monday. :/
I really think I'll be triggering on Monday or Tuesday so I hope I'm able to get in on Monday and I hope they are able to get my blood up to the main clinic to be processed. I think it would be fab if I triggered on Tuesday for a Thursday ER. Then I'd be off on Monday this week ("snow" day) and then Thursday and Friday for the ER. The following Monday we are closed for MLK Day and then I'd be out on Tuesday and Wednesday of that week as well for my ET. So I'd be off for 6 days in a row... 4 days of work in two weeks...not too shabby ;)
I'm also still asking for any and all t&ps you may have that everything is open and functioning on Monday for my appointment...I will be a nervous wreck if I have to wait until Tuesday to go in!
Friday, January 7, 2011
need serious t&ps
Well, we all know how stuff goes for me...things seem to be going well and then BAM! bad news...never fails.
We are supposed to be hit with a pretty bad winter storm Sunday night/Monday morning...lots of snow and freezing rain. And us southerners do not do snow and ice. We just don't. Even so much as a threat of bad weather and stuff closes. The news is predicting a complete closure of interstates, fallen trees, massive power outages, the whole 9 yards. And I'm freaking out. What if my clinic is closed on Monday? That would be very, very bad. Or worse yet, what if my clinic in Montgomery is open but the medical courier can't get my blood sample from Montgomery to Birmingham to be processed? OMG. I'm really, really freaking out.
I talked to my IVF nurse and she said that in her 8 years at the clinic they've never closed. They've been open through hurricanes. But the south handles hurricanes better than snow and ice. She said that if they do close they will just put a message on their phone line Monday morning. She said she *thinks* I'll be ok to wait until Tuesday to go in if need be but, of course, that isn't ideal. I asked about going in on Sunday but she said I wouldn't be ready yet so it would essentially be a wasted trip because I'd still have to go back Monday (if open) or Tuesday.
So, I'm begging you. If you have any thoughts or prayers to spare, I need them. If this cycle is ruined because of this damn snow, I'm going to need to be committed I swear.
I knew there was always a reason that I've HATED winter more than any person I've ever know.
We are supposed to be hit with a pretty bad winter storm Sunday night/Monday morning...lots of snow and freezing rain. And us southerners do not do snow and ice. We just don't. Even so much as a threat of bad weather and stuff closes. The news is predicting a complete closure of interstates, fallen trees, massive power outages, the whole 9 yards. And I'm freaking out. What if my clinic is closed on Monday? That would be very, very bad. Or worse yet, what if my clinic in Montgomery is open but the medical courier can't get my blood sample from Montgomery to Birmingham to be processed? OMG. I'm really, really freaking out.
I talked to my IVF nurse and she said that in her 8 years at the clinic they've never closed. They've been open through hurricanes. But the south handles hurricanes better than snow and ice. She said that if they do close they will just put a message on their phone line Monday morning. She said she *thinks* I'll be ok to wait until Tuesday to go in if need be but, of course, that isn't ideal. I asked about going in on Sunday but she said I wouldn't be ready yet so it would essentially be a wasted trip because I'd still have to go back Monday (if open) or Tuesday.
So, I'm begging you. If you have any thoughts or prayers to spare, I need them. If this cycle is ruined because of this damn snow, I'm going to need to be committed I swear.
I knew there was always a reason that I've HATED winter more than any person I've ever know.
today I look pregnant
Yep, the bloat as officially taken over. I look about 5 months pregnant. Just waiting for someone at work to comment...
I had my 5th night of stims last night and my first Ganirelix shot. The Ganirelix comes in a nice, neat little pre-filled syringe. No mixing, transferring, measuring...just pop off the cap and inject. Nice :)
I also went through all of my meds to figure out how much I have left. I really hope I trigger on Monday or Tuesday because if I don't, I'll need to place another order. I have enough Gonal-F and Ganirelix to get me through my Monday night shots (so if I triggered Monday I'd have a bit of extra and if I triggered Tuesday, I'd use all the remaining meds on Monday night) and enough Menopur to get me through Tuesday's shot. I do have some leftover Menopur from my IUI cycle back in October so I should be ok as far as Menopur goes. I'd just have to order the expensive meds (Gonal-F)...::sigh::
So keep your fingers crossed that I go in on Monday morning, my follies are all nice and plump, my E2 level is high, my P4 level is low and I get to trigger on Monday night for a Wednesday ER!
I had my 5th night of stims last night and my first Ganirelix shot. The Ganirelix comes in a nice, neat little pre-filled syringe. No mixing, transferring, measuring...just pop off the cap and inject. Nice :)
I also went through all of my meds to figure out how much I have left. I really hope I trigger on Monday or Tuesday because if I don't, I'll need to place another order. I have enough Gonal-F and Ganirelix to get me through my Monday night shots (so if I triggered Monday I'd have a bit of extra and if I triggered Tuesday, I'd use all the remaining meds on Monday night) and enough Menopur to get me through Tuesday's shot. I do have some leftover Menopur from my IUI cycle back in October so I should be ok as far as Menopur goes. I'd just have to order the expensive meds (Gonal-F)...::sigh::
So keep your fingers crossed that I go in on Monday morning, my follies are all nice and plump, my E2 level is high, my P4 level is low and I get to trigger on Monday night for a Wednesday ER!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
*bloodwork results and the plan*
After 4 nights of stims my E2 (estradiol) is 96 and my P4 (progesterone) is .4.
Each mature follicle gives off an E2 level of anywhere from 200-400 so my E2 level is right on track considering I have no follicles that are close to being mature at this time. And, this early in a cycle, you want the P4 low...a high level indicates ovulation is close or has occurred. So we are all good there!
My plan is to continue my stims (375iu Gonal-F and 75iu Menopur) nightly and add in Ganirelix tonight and I go back for my next monitoring appointment on Monday. I was a little surprised that I wouldn't have to go in over the weekend but typically a follicle will grow 2mm per day so if my largest right now is 12mm, they won't be around the mature mark for at least another few days, especially with the added Ganirelix.
I'm such a Type A personality that I have such a hard time trusting other people and letting them be in control. But I know I have a fabulous RE, I know I'm at a great clinic and I completely trust everyone there. I just don't trust my body to do what it should...
Each mature follicle gives off an E2 level of anywhere from 200-400 so my E2 level is right on track considering I have no follicles that are close to being mature at this time. And, this early in a cycle, you want the P4 low...a high level indicates ovulation is close or has occurred. So we are all good there!
My plan is to continue my stims (375iu Gonal-F and 75iu Menopur) nightly and add in Ganirelix tonight and I go back for my next monitoring appointment on Monday. I was a little surprised that I wouldn't have to go in over the weekend but typically a follicle will grow 2mm per day so if my largest right now is 12mm, they won't be around the mature mark for at least another few days, especially with the added Ganirelix.
I'm such a Type A personality that I have such a hard time trusting other people and letting them be in control. But I know I have a fabulous RE, I know I'm at a great clinic and I completely trust everyone there. I just don't trust my body to do what it should...
*1st follie check*
I had my first monitoring appointment this morning to check my E2, P4, follicle growth and lining. I currently have 8 follies growing on my right side, all around 12mm and 6 growing on my left (2 around 12mm, the rest are a bit smaller). My lining is at 6.2..so that's good, they want it above 8 when you trigger. Now I just wait on my blood work results to find out what to do next. My wonderful NP said her best guess is that I'll go back on Saturday for another check and possibly add in the Ganirelix shot tonight.
It is really too early to tell but I'm thinking there's a chance I may trigger Sunday or Monday night..but I really don't know what affect the Ganirelix will have on everything since I've never taken it before.
I'm excited...I feel good. I'm a *little* disappointed that I only have 14 follies right now...I feel like for my age I should have more. :/
Oh well...quality over quantity, right?
It is really too early to tell but I'm thinking there's a chance I may trigger Sunday or Monday night..but I really don't know what affect the Ganirelix will have on everything since I've never taken it before.
I'm excited...I feel good. I'm a *little* disappointed that I only have 14 follies right now...I feel like for my age I should have more. :/
Oh well...quality over quantity, right?
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
*3rd night of stims*
::::YAWN::::
so, so tired
and so excited for my monitoring appointment tomorrow morning...but I'm getting really nervous...
If y'all have any T&Ps to spare, I'm in need!
so, so tired
and so excited for my monitoring appointment tomorrow morning...but I'm getting really nervous...
If y'all have any T&Ps to spare, I'm in need!
Monday, January 3, 2011
*2nd night of stims*
DONE!
:)
Although, I have to admit, the hormones are already kicking my ass. A short time after my shot last night I got a pounding headache that still hasn't went away. I didn't sleep well at all last night...so I was absolutely exhausted today. And I'm a hot, emotional, mess! My Auburn Tigers made the journey out to Glendale today to play in the National Championship Game next week..and I was following their flight online while at work. I looked at their progress across the country and immediately burst into tears. WTF? I was sitting at my desk, crying my eyes out, over a plane that was flying over Texas. And this was after only one shot.
I have a feeling the next few weeks are going to be very, very interesting....
:)
Although, I have to admit, the hormones are already kicking my ass. A short time after my shot last night I got a pounding headache that still hasn't went away. I didn't sleep well at all last night...so I was absolutely exhausted today. And I'm a hot, emotional, mess! My Auburn Tigers made the journey out to Glendale today to play in the National Championship Game next week..and I was following their flight online while at work. I looked at their progress across the country and immediately burst into tears. WTF? I was sitting at my desk, crying my eyes out, over a plane that was flying over Texas. And this was after only one shot.
I have a feeling the next few weeks are going to be very, very interesting....
Sunday, January 2, 2011
*1st night of stims*
My first night of stims is in the books! Here is my nightly "cocktail"....
375iu Gonal-F + 75iu Menopur
Injected Intramuscular (IM)
375iu Gonal-F + 75iu Menopur
Injected Intramuscular (IM)
That's a picture of my shot...next to a quarter. Keep in mind...this is the smallest needle I'll be using. It will all be worth it!
Now I'm enjoying a huge glass of POM juice...gotta get that lining nice and thick so my embabies will want to snuggle in!
Now I'm enjoying a huge glass of POM juice...gotta get that lining nice and thick so my embabies will want to snuggle in!
T-11 hours!
Stims for IVF #1 start TONIGHT!
I absolutely can not believe it. I can't believe the day is here. I can't believe we are here. And I can't believe we are about to do this! I'm super excited though, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. I know and understand that there is a very good chance that this won't work. The thought of spending all of this money and putting myself through something like this and then thinking about it not working will send you spiraling back down to earth very quickly.
In my "preparation" for IVF, I spent 6 hours last night reading the blog of a good friend of mine. She went through two fresh cycles and two FETs and now has the most gorgeous little twin girls ever. It is nice to read what other people went through, what their IVF experience was like, yada yada yada. And, now that I'm awake (after I stayed up until almost 3am reading the blog) and done with that blog, I have another one in mind to occupy me today.
So.Excited!
I absolutely can not believe it. I can't believe the day is here. I can't believe we are here. And I can't believe we are about to do this! I'm super excited though, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. I know and understand that there is a very good chance that this won't work. The thought of spending all of this money and putting myself through something like this and then thinking about it not working will send you spiraling back down to earth very quickly.
In my "preparation" for IVF, I spent 6 hours last night reading the blog of a good friend of mine. She went through two fresh cycles and two FETs and now has the most gorgeous little twin girls ever. It is nice to read what other people went through, what their IVF experience was like, yada yada yada. And, now that I'm awake (after I stayed up until almost 3am reading the blog) and done with that blog, I have another one in mind to occupy me today.
So.Excited!
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