I really don't. I really can't put into words what I'm feeling, what we are going through and the fear I'm feeling right now.
The Coach and I just spent time together on Friday night...processing the news and supporting each other. I've never seen him so upset at anything and it absolutely broke my heart. I hate, hate, hate that I'm causing him this much pain. He doesn't deserve this.
We also had to tell our parents and they are, of course, devastated for us. They hate that we are going through this, they hate the pain we feel, and, as parents, they want to make it better. And the can't.
The Coach is planning a quick get away for us next weekend...we are going to the beach. I am SO thankful that he thought of this and is making it work with his schedule. We need to get away. We need this time together. We need to relax and reconnect and just enjoy each other. Especially since his games start the following weekend.
I think I really underestimated the physical toll that IVF would take on my body. I've been sick since last Wednesday and I feel like hell. I think I'm just so run down from everything that this happened and I wasn't expecting this. The sleepless nights, the meds, the trips to the RE, the physical pain of the bloating, ER, ET...it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. And I'm paying for it now.
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Madelyn, I'm sure this is something you know in your head and will never fully convince your heart of, but YOU are not causing your husband pain. The situation is, for sure, but YOU are not in charge of that situation. I'm just hoping that by reminding your of this, it makes you feel just a TINY bit less of that guilt. You have enough to deal with without that.
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you on the guilt mountain, but I am going to tell you what I am sure you have told me in the past. This IS NOT your fault. This is a sucky, shitty, god awful thing to go through, but you didn't cause this.
ReplyDeleteHuney, I hurt for you so much and wish I could take away the pain. Thinking of you always....
I'm so glad you two are going to get away next weekend - you need and deserve it. This is so unfair and I'm hurting for you.
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