Conflicted

Yes, I'm still alive.

Yes, I'm still dealing with infertility.

No, I didn't forget about this blog.



I just really haven't had anything to say.


I'm very confused right now. About everything. About why this is my life. About why it is so easy for most and so hard for others. About what to do next. Can I live this way forever and be happy? Childless, with just The Coach and feel good about my life? Some days I think yes, that's entirely possible. Other days, days like today, I think I'm crazy for ever thinking I could be happy with this as my life.

I'm fairly certain I have an ovarian cyst right now. I really probably should go see my RE to get it taken care of (ultrasound to confirm, birth control pills to treat) but the thought of going back to the clinic, even for something not really related to treatment, gives me a panic attack. And makes me want to puke. And throw things at someone. All simeltaneously. So I probably won't get it taken care of. At least not any time soon. What good are my ovaries anyway? Who cares if they have a massive blob on them? Certainly not me. Serves them right anyway ;)

The Coach is still in season. It has been a long one this year. And they still have two more regular season series to go, plus the conference tournament and the post-season play. So probably another 4 weeks...it is has gotten very tiresome this year. But, I can honestly say, for the first season ever I've never once thought to myself while sitting at his game "Next year I'll be here with our child". I guess that's progress? Accepting, realizing, owning our fate? Maybe.

The Coach and I really need to sit down and hash out our future plans. He wants to do a few more IUIs, you know how I feel about going back to that place. But I still feel like I can't say no to him. I'm the reason he isn't a daddy yet, and will never be a daddy, but can I really say no to giving him a [non-existant] chance?


So, in short...I'm still angry. I'm still pissed. I'm still bitter. I'm still angry at the world. I'm still jealous of fertiles and infertiles with babies. And I still don't have any hope or fight.


Fucking shitty place to be, no?