Here is a recap of the last week of my life:
Tuesday, October 19th 9:30 p.m.--Two positive HPTs
Wednesday, October 20th 4:00 a.m.--Two negative HPTs
Wednesday, October 20th 1:30 p.m.--Positive beta call...17.3, progesterone low at 10
Thursday, October 21st 9:20 a.m.--Bleeding begins
Friday, October 22nd 6:00 a.m.--One positive HPT, bleeding continues
Friday, October 22nd 3:30 p.m.--Beta still climbing, now at 27.9, progesterone lower at 5.8
Saturday, October 23rd All Day--Bleeding increases and darkens
Saturday, October 23rd: 10:00 p.m.--First PIO shot
Sunday, October 24th 9:00 p.m.--One positive HPT, bleeding stops
Monday, October 25th 2:00 p.m.--Beta call in...didn't double at 32.8, progesterone up to 22.9
Monday, October 25th 4:30 p.m.--Bleeding returns and increases in amount and darkness
Tuesday, October 26th All Day--Bleeding tappers off
Wednesday, October 27th 8:00 a.m.--Spotting returns
Seriously...how could I have gone through all of that in only one week?
My third beta is tomorrow morning. I'm assuming that when my nurse calls me in the afternoon, I'll be told the pregnancy is over. I've decided to take a mental health day tomorrow so I can be home to get my bad news. The Coach can't be home with me because his last two fall games are tomorrow afternoon/night so he needs to be at work. I couldn't decide which was worse...to be at home, alone, when I get the news or to be at work and have to pretend everything is ok. After going to through the hell that was Monday afternoon, pretending everything was ok at work, I've decided to take the day off.
I know lots of wonderful people out there are keeping their fingers crossed and their hopes up for us but, in reality, there is no point. No way can this pregnancy be successful with only a 5 point increase in my beta in three days. I know this. I'm starting to accept it. If "accepting it" is even possible...I no longer feel pregnant. I know it is over. But I'm not ok. And I don't know that I'll ever be ok. I never, ever want to experience this again and since no one can promise me that I won't miscarry again, I'm pretty sure my TTC journey has come to an end. The Coach wants to keep trying...he sees this as slightly positive...if I got pregnant once, I can get pregnant again. I can't be so positive.
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I'm so sorry and I'm thinking of you everyday. I don't know what it's like to miscarry but I definitely know the feeling of hopelessness and the possibility of being done TTC. I haven't been on the board but I'm still here for you if you need anything at all. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI hope that tomorrow goes as smoothly as can be expected. I think it is good that you are being realistic about this. However, don't forget that time will heal. I've lived through two miscarriages and I know they are agonizing and awful, but you will be okay. I don't think you should let it stop you from trying again. Any pregnancy in anyone, even someone who has no trouble getting pregnant, can end in miscarriage. It is an awful reality but the alternative is amazing. Only you can make that decision for yourself, and I certainly respect it. That's just my two cents. Thinking of you and hoping you heal quickly.
ReplyDeleteSending big hugs your way. We're all here for you, and we're keeping some hope for you even when you feel all is lost. I'm going to be at my appt tomorrow and then out for most of the day but I'll try to check in on my phone to see your news. Will be thinking of you tomorrow, even if I don't get to post right away. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteMadelyn, I just wanted to let you know that you've been in my thoughts and prayers constantly for the past week.
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