my fears

So I've spent the last 5 days just being so excited that we are actually cycling again that I feel as though I'm not really "in reality" with this whole treatment. I spent the last 7 months just saying to myself "when we cycle again", "if only we were cycling"..as if cycling is the end all, be all. Like there is no chance of this not working. But now, after 4 days of stims, and everything settling in, reality is coming back to me. Of course there is a chance this may not work. We've done this before, we've traveled this road, we've played this team and we lost. On more than one occasion. And now that is all coming back to me. The sting of seeing that - HPT. The pain of hearing the nurse say "I'm sorry..." when she calls with my beta results. I know those feelings all too well. And the realization that there is the possibility of dealing with that again soon, just sucks. But, I'm still remaining hopeful. I still have fight. I still believe we can be the victorious team in this battle. So I put that fear aside for now.

My real, true fears right now are these two things:
1) I will have too many follies to move forward
2) I will have already ovulated when I go in for monitoring on Thursday.

Now, fear #1 is pretty unfounded. I've never had too many follies to proceed and the possibility that I will now is highly unlikely. But I am a huge advocate of canceling cycles if you feel that there are just too many to move forward with. After all, in some cases, every follie really can equal a baby. My previous cycle with Follistim I had 1 mature follie when I triggered. We have upped my dosage a little bit in hopes of getting 2 follies. We did this because of our MFI. With MFI it can take more than that one follie to achieve pregnancy. And also because I'm 7 months older. Now, I know what you are probably thinking..."7 months older?..The Coach's Wife is BSC." But, with my diagnosis, 7 months can actually be a long time and can play a significant role in my "fertility age"...even at the ripe old age of 24. Because I wouldn't feel comfortable moving forward with more than 2 or 3 follies so I'm hoping and praying that we don't have more than that on Thursday.

My second fear has some substance to it. My very first medicated cycle (July 2009--almost a year ago now-wow!) was canceled because I ovulated too early. I went in for my first monitoring appointment on CD9 and I had just ovulated. The Coach was across the country recruiting (planning to be back on CD11) so he made last minute plans to get back here to try some TI just in case. Of course it didn't work. On CD 9 with my second round of Clomid, I was good to go. And CD9 with Follistim was fine as well. I did trigger that night for an IUI on CD11 so I'm hoping that's what happens again this round. So..fingers crossed for 2-3 mature follies and NO ovulation on Thursday. The anxiety is getting to me...

But as I said, I'm still hopeful. I still have it in me. I have even looked up a ton of quotes about hope to look at throughout the day, keep in the back of my mind and use as my Facebook status. And I want to share one with y'all today.

"“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself..how did I get through all of that?”

Hope. You have to have hope. Hope that you can make the team. Hope that you can help your team. Hope that you can help yourself. And hope that you, with your team, can win the battle.