due date

My due date was Monday.

We should be holding our precious little newborn right now.




But we aren't.


And my arms and heart are empty.

And always will be.

stronger

Right now I feel stronger. And happier. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Vicious circle, I tell ya.

The Coach's season is over. He's (understandably) disappointed that it is over..it is what he works for all year..their season didn't end the way they wanted it to (ended in the first round of play-offs), all that jazz. Of course I want him and his team to do well..but..in all honesty, I'm glad it is over. It was a LONG season. To think that it started when we were doing IVF. Whoa. It is nice to have him home and around a little bit. I miss him when he's in season.

We had a faboulous Memorial Day weekend. Friday night we grabbed drinks with friends at the neighborhood pub. Saturday we saw the Hangover II (awesome!) and Sunday we went to a minor league baseball game and enjoyed way too many margaritas and beers. Fabulousness!

We also have some fun summer trips coming up. The Coach's sister lives in the pacific northwest and will be down in Nashville with her partner in June so The Coach and I are driving up there for the weekend to see them. And to drink!

Then in July we are taking a quick trip down to New Orleans for a few days and then ending the trip with a day at the beach in Biloxi. It will be so nice to have him ALL TO MYSELF! And to get some much needed quality time in. As you all have gathered, it is few and far between.




So, for today, right now in this minute, I feel ok with my life. Maybe even a little happy with my life...and that's better than most days so I'll take it.

not strong enough

Do you ever feel like you just aren't strong enough to make it through? That all of the strength you ever had is gone...long gone...and you just don't know how you'll make it, how you could ever be expected to come out on top? You just have too much on your plate, too much shit in your life and you just can't deal?


I really hope someone else feels this way...I can't be the only one, right?


:/

2 things

1. I'm sure everyone has, by this point, heard of the sheer devastation in the southern part of the country, particularly in Alabama where The Coach and I live. We are safe, we are fine. Miraculously our town was really one of the few in the state that wasn't hit. I think our city had two confirmed trees down, about 200 people without power for a few hours and NO injuries or fatalities. Other areas of the state, particularly Tuscaloosa and Birmingham, are almost wiped clean. So please, please, please send any thoughts and prayers to those areas. Our Governor has deemed this disaster as a level I..other level I disasters in recent history are Hurricane Katrina and 9/11. If anyone is interested in helping in any way, please visit http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Toomers-for-Tuscaloosa/127019264041188

Toomer's for Tuscaloosa is a wonderful organization established by Auburn fans that wanted to help out in Tuscaloosa and the surrounding areas. This organization is WONDERFUL! A complete and total God Sent to those suffering.


2. The Coach's team had their final home series of the season this past weekend and they won 2 out of 3 games...against the #4 team in the country! What a way to close out the home schedule!!

I think maybe

just maybe (ok, definitely) I just had another chemical pregnancy.

Never, ever in my life have I had CM [cervical mucus]. When I'd read posts about people charting and monitoring their CM I was so totally confused. What in the world WAS that stuff? Not something I'd ever experienced. Then, when we started with our RE, we had a post-coital test that confirmed I have no CM. Wonderful. That essentially means getting pregnant on our own, through TI, would be impossible.

Enter the injectable drugs. Once I started Follistim, I did have CM. What an odd experience. So now I know what it is.

Well, for some reason, this month, without treatments, I had CM. Lots and lots of it. [TMI Alert] When DH and I would have sex he'd even comment that it "felt different". Yep, that's the CM.

I'm also sure I ovulated. So...ovulation+CM...my mind started to wander...hell, this is a rare event.

Then AF was 5 days late.

Hmmm...

And I've had super oily skin lately. My skin is dry as a bone. Except when I had my c/p back in October. And I've been insanely thirsty. I'm never thirsty. I'm the slowest drinker on the earth. One bottle of water can easily last me all day. And crampy. I never have cramps.

Hmmm..hmmm...

And then AF showed up. With a vengeance. Heavy. But before AF was spotting. I never have spotting before AF. And not only is AF heavy but also very tissuey and clotty (sorry...). Only time I've ever had another other than light blood for AF was after my c/p.

Then it all hit me. I was pregnant. I just had another chemical. I'd bet my life on it. I've been through 3 years of BFNs. I've had one pregnancy. I can tell the difference. And this was a pregnancy. And it is over. I was too chicken to test when AF was late and now I'm glad I was chicken. Sure, I'd know for sure..but my body and heart already know for sure. And to see another + test only to have it ripped away..not worth it.

I should call my RE and get in for a beta to try to confirm. Although, at this point, I'm sure the beta would be negative. If The Coach and I ever do decided to seek infertility treatments again, I'll tell them about it. And I know they'd trust my judgement. But, for now, I won't. It doesn't change anything. I still *only* have two losses. So they wouldn't do any further testing. And since it is seeming to be doubtful that we will cycle again..what's the point?


In some ways, I suppose this could be a positive. I got pregnant without medical intervention. Could it ever happen again? Possibly. Is it likely? Of course not.

But it could be bad, too. A glimpse at something like RPL? Maybe. God I hope not.



So...for now...I'm sad. And I'm feeling pain. And to get through, I'll have wine. Red, please.


And then yesterday she showed up.

Conflicted

Yes, I'm still alive.

Yes, I'm still dealing with infertility.

No, I didn't forget about this blog.



I just really haven't had anything to say.


I'm very confused right now. About everything. About why this is my life. About why it is so easy for most and so hard for others. About what to do next. Can I live this way forever and be happy? Childless, with just The Coach and feel good about my life? Some days I think yes, that's entirely possible. Other days, days like today, I think I'm crazy for ever thinking I could be happy with this as my life.

I'm fairly certain I have an ovarian cyst right now. I really probably should go see my RE to get it taken care of (ultrasound to confirm, birth control pills to treat) but the thought of going back to the clinic, even for something not really related to treatment, gives me a panic attack. And makes me want to puke. And throw things at someone. All simeltaneously. So I probably won't get it taken care of. At least not any time soon. What good are my ovaries anyway? Who cares if they have a massive blob on them? Certainly not me. Serves them right anyway ;)

The Coach is still in season. It has been a long one this year. And they still have two more regular season series to go, plus the conference tournament and the post-season play. So probably another 4 weeks...it is has gotten very tiresome this year. But, I can honestly say, for the first season ever I've never once thought to myself while sitting at his game "Next year I'll be here with our child". I guess that's progress? Accepting, realizing, owning our fate? Maybe.

The Coach and I really need to sit down and hash out our future plans. He wants to do a few more IUIs, you know how I feel about going back to that place. But I still feel like I can't say no to him. I'm the reason he isn't a daddy yet, and will never be a daddy, but can I really say no to giving him a [non-existant] chance?


So, in short...I'm still angry. I'm still pissed. I'm still bitter. I'm still angry at the world. I'm still jealous of fertiles and infertiles with babies. And I still don't have any hope or fight.


Fucking shitty place to be, no?

well hello, there..

Do I still have any readers out there? Yes, yes, I realize it has been ages. I just have nothing going on in regards to the trying to conceive front. Nada. Zilch.

We have been busy, though...The Coach's season is in full swing, first conference series this weekend. Currently they are 21-2 and 2-0 in the SEC :) They've had a wonderful, wonderful start to the season and I hope they keep it up! They have one more game this afternoon and then fly home. I hope to see him before midnight.

Other than the season, I've been swamped with work. I run an organization in our recruitment office...I employ current students that assist in the recruitment of prospective students. Right now is hiring time. This year I have 73 applicants..for 40 spots. Because my director is all "give everyone a second, third, fourth chance...just hire everyone!" I have to do phone interviews with all applicants. And then pretty much offer second round (in-person) interviews to everyone as well. So...in two weeks I'll be doing 73 interviews in a week. Ridic.

Oh and since our BFN I've really upped my work outs...running more and doing Zumba often and I've lost almost 20 pounds!

my heart

I truly believe my heart has begun to accept the fact that we will never have children.

I've found that, surprisingly, I've thought less and less about having a family...less and less about being pregnant...less and less about infertility. I'm just so over it all. 3 years of my life...devoted to it and wasted. Sickening.

I've also been visiting the Infertility message board that I frequented for the past two years (and by frequented I mean spent a ridiculous amount of time there) less and less. I just have no interest in it any more. Everyone there is getting pregnant except for me. Again, sickening.

I guess this all happened in a very different way than I had imagined it would..I really never thought I'd accept my fate..I figured I'd have to force myself and end up pretending. But it appears that may not be the case...

15-0!

The Coach's team is currently undefeated...15-0! Not only is that the best start in program history but they are also riding the longest win streak in program history. YAY!

The real test will come this weekend...the team is traveling out to Oklahoma to take on two highly ranked teams. Guess we will see what they are really made of come Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I'm going out to Oklahoma on Thursday...The Coach's parents are able to make the drive down there much easier than they are able to come visit us here so they wanted me to meet up with them there. I've never been to Oklahoma before but I'm excited about the visit. The weather, on the other hand, looks a bit chilly...

at least something

is going well...

The Coach is 11 days into his games and his team is 9-0 so far. Tied for the best start in school history! Granted, they haven't played super challenging teams but they've won, all the same. The real test will be tomorrow, a mid-week game, when they try to break the record.


Fingers crossed...

alone

I'm all alone. And I'm sad. I just can't believe this is my life. Always alone. The Coach is busy scouting games. I'm at home, in an empty house, by myself. As usual.

And the saddest part is knowing this is how it will always be. I will always come home to an empty house. I will never have a family.

tonight is the night

I've officially decided that tonight The Coach and I will sit down and decide our future. Make a decision as to whether or not we will cycle again. And, if we decide to cycle again, when and what type of cycle we will do.


I hate being in limbo. HATE IT. That was my goal..the one thing I wanted to avoid at all costs. And look where we are.


So tonight it ends...we ARE making a decision tonight. One way or the other. It will happen.

happy valentine's day

The Coach is actually home for Valentine's Day this year! I'm pretty sure this is the first time this has ever happened! It is our 6th V-day together and I'm totally shocked. I can not believe we've known each other for more than 6 years...time has really flown by!

The Coach and I don't have any big plans for the *special day* but he will be cooking me dinner tonight---grilled steak, pasta ai quattro formaggi and grilled asparagus. And I made a chocolate layer cake yesterday for him for dessert (I may sneak a teeny tiny little piece). Should be a good night!

Oh and The Coach had his first games of the season this past weekend and they started out 4-0! Hopefully the perfect record thus far is a sign of many good things to come for the team. It would be truly awesome to have a stress-free season. Fingers crossed...


Hope everyone has a fabulous Valentine's Day with those that mean the most to you!

xoxo

the upside of stress

Is lack of appetite.

I've lost 8 pounds in a week.




Granted, I have been working out more and drinking more water and some of it is definitely water weight. But I still attribute a lot of it to stress and sadness.

stress

I'm feeling a ridiculous amount of stress today. I'm stressed about pretty much everything. I'm stressed about The Coach's season starting. I'm stressed about some issues at my job. I'm stressed about what our future holds and the choices we have to make. I'm stressed about the amount of money we've spent all of these fertility treatments and have nothing to show for it. I'm stressed about being sick. I'm not happy with a lot of things in my life right now (aside from the fertility issues) and that is causing me stress.


I feel like I can't function as a human being right now.


Yesterday, on an infertility message board I frequent, someone wrote that they feel like they aren't living life but rather they are just existing. That is exactly how I feel. Like I'm just here. But that's it.

what...the....f*ck

Well, we had our WTF appointment this morning and boy, all I can really say is f*ck.

It didn't go at all like I was expecting it to..I thought our RE would say that she was disappointed in the way our IVF cycle went, that they recommended a change of protocol and to try another IVF cycle whenever we were ready. I also assumed that our chance of success with IVF would drop a bit but I was not expecting how much...

Basically she said our biggest issue now is egg quality. And that it is strange, given my age. That there were so few eggs retrieved and that the quality of those that were was less than stellar. Because of the fact that we got so few eggs, the team of REs at my clinic do not recommend we do another IVF cycle. WTF...not expecting that! She said it really doesn't seem worth it...to go through all of that for a 30% chance of success. That's right, they are giving us a 30% chance of successfully having a baby through IVF. OUCH. Basically, between the cost of IVF (plus the meds that I'd be put on next cycle--600iu Gonal-F!!), the toll it takes on a body and the little chance we have of success with it, it just isn't the best road for us to take.

She said that the REs at the practice recommend we do another IUI cycle. HUH?!? Our issue isn't really getting eggs to fertilize..the ones that were good eggs from our IVF cycle fertilized well (granted, it was with ICSI but..) and there was that chemical pregnancy back in October. Our issue is getting good eggs so that they can fertilize. And, obviously, IVF doesn't help us get better eggs. She gave us a 15-20% chance of success with IUI.

Crazy, huh? IVF, which costs upwards of $12k, takes two+ months to do, is extremely hard on ones body gives us only a little bit better chance than IUI (which costs, everything included, around $800 and is basically done in two weeks).



I just don't know what to do or think. I want a plan. I want to know if we are moving forward or if our journey ends here. And this just put a whole new spin on things. WTF do we do? I really want closure...it has almost been 3 years of this shit and I'm tired of it. But I'm not so sure I can give up on my dream right now...even if that dream is next to impossible to achieve. I'm just so confused.


I hate, hate, hate that this is my life.

heavenly

The Coach and I had a fabulous time at the beach this weekend! Destin is a beautiful, beautiful place! We arrived at the hotel at about 11 on Friday night and it was still kind of rainy so we just settled into the room (with our respective bottles of beer and glasses of wine) and checked out the view from the balcony. The Coach is a priority club rewards member so there is always little notes, coupons and certificates when we check into a hotel so I barely noticed the note on the bed when we got in our room. When I finally did pick it up it was a note from The Coach's parents saying that breakfast in bed and mimosas for Saturday morning had been taken care of! So sweet! What a thoughtful thing to do! So when we woke up on Saturday we ordered our breakfast and mimosas and enjoyed every last drop of the champagne. After breakfast we went for a long walk on the beach...the sand was so white! Just gorgeous. And, for the record, not a hint of oil anywhere...

After our walk we got ready and went to lunch at a fantastic pub, I had the shrimp po'boy and it was by far the best sandwich I've ever eaten! After lunch we did some shopping at the outlets and then went back to the hotel to relax. Before dinner we took another stroll on the beach and got some great pictures of the sun setting over the Gulf of Mexico. It was so pretty and serene! Then we went to dinner at The Back Porch. The seafood was outstanding and the drinks were even better :)

We had planned on going to a dueling piano bar after dinner but, unfortunately, the bar was closed for renovations. We were so stuffed from the great seafood that we settled on getting a few drinks in the hotel bar before hitting up the hot tub and pool. It was a fun night!

This morning we took one last walk on the beach and then had a fantastic breakfast at Another Broken Egg. Seriously, if you are ever in a city that has Another Broken Egg you have to go. The food was out of this world!

On the drive home The Coach and I had a long talk about our future with infertility and we also discussed adoption. But that's another post for another day. The overall gist, though, is that we are both tired of infertility and fertility treatments consuming our lives and adoption isn't an option for us. So, where exactly we stand, I don't know...

beach

The Coach and I are going to away to the beach this weekend! We are leaving right after he finishes up with practice today which will hopefully be in about 4.5 hours. We need this getaway so badly. Just to spend time together, be away from everyone and everything, put the computers away and the phones down..we need time to reconnect again.

I'm so thankful that he planned this little trip. It means so, so much to me and I'm so happy to be married to someone who cares enough about me and my mental stability to do this!

Soon I'll be drinking my worries away with the beautiful view of the Gulf of Mexico spread in front of me!


CHEERS!

martinis for dinner

The Coach sent me an email earlier today informing me that our neighborhood Pub now has "Martini Tuesdays" with all of their signature martinis for $5.

Sold!

So, tonight, as with the past few nights, I'll be drinking my dinner....a good French Martini here I come!




(I don't even want to admit how much alcohol I've consumed since Friday. Seriously.)

don't know what to say

I really don't. I really can't put into words what I'm feeling, what we are going through and the fear I'm feeling right now.

The Coach and I just spent time together on Friday night...processing the news and supporting each other. I've never seen him so upset at anything and it absolutely broke my heart. I hate, hate, hate that I'm causing him this much pain. He doesn't deserve this.

We also had to tell our parents and they are, of course, devastated for us. They hate that we are going through this, they hate the pain we feel, and, as parents, they want to make it better. And the can't.

The Coach is planning a quick get away for us next weekend...we are going to the beach. I am SO thankful that he thought of this and is making it work with his schedule. We need to get away. We need this time together. We need to relax and reconnect and just enjoy each other. Especially since his games start the following weekend.

I think I really underestimated the physical toll that IVF would take on my body. I've been sick since last Wednesday and I feel like hell. I think I'm just so run down from everything that this happened and I wasn't expecting this. The sleepless nights, the meds, the trips to the RE, the physical pain of the bloating, ER, ET...it all just hit me like a ton of bricks. And I'm paying for it now.