Aunt flow, that is.
Seriously...what gives?
For the past 2.5 years I've spent every single month praying that she wouldn't show. And she always did. Now I need her to come so we can get this IVF underway and of course she decides to be late. A week late.
My body is so damn frustrating!!!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
War Damn Eagle! And updates..
WAR DAMN EAGLE!
Now, if you know or care anything about college athletics, you know that War Damn Eagle is the battle cry for Auburn University. And you should also know that Auburn University and the University of Alabama are huge, huge rivals. About as big of rivals as two universities can be. And probably the most heated rivalry in all of the world. No lie. People bleed orange and blue or crimson. The traditions go back through generation after generation. It is very rare to find a "house divided" over Auburn and Alabama because the hatred is that strong. Unfortunately, as an Auburn fan, Bama has been pretty good for the past few years. They even won the National Championship last year. Disgusting. And they've also won the Iron Bowl for the past two years (the Iron Bowl is that yearly game between Auburn and Alabama). Bama being good and especially winning the Iron Bowl makes living in this state very unpleasant. To put it mildly.
Well, if you follow college football at all, you know that going into the Iron Bowl Auburn was 11-0! The #2 team in the country and Bama had two loses (YAY!). The Iron Bowl is always played Thanksgiving weekend and has been played on Fridays for a few years. Auburn had to play in Tuscaloosa this year and that is NOT an easy place to play. Over 100,000 of America's trashiest trash fill the stadium and make up (most of) the fan base of Bama Nation. BUT Auburn is 6-1 in Tuscaloosa (for many years the Iron Bowl was played at a neutral site in Birmingham because of the hostility of the rivalry). And going into this year's game, Bama had nothing to lose and everything to gain and it was the opposite for Auburn. You see, all Bama wanted was to keep Auburn out of the National Championship Game. With two losses they don't stand a chance at making a decent bowl game so their goal was to ruin it for us.
AND THEY DIDN'T! AUBURN WON! WAR DAMN EAGLE BABY! GO TO HELL ALABAMA!
It was a hell of a game and one hell of a win! Auburn also has this tradition called Rolling Toomers. In downtown Auburn there is a small drug store called Toomer's, located at Toomer's Corner (and if you are ever in Auburn, you MUST try their lemonade!) and it is tradition to roll--with toilet paper--Toomer's Corner after every Auburn victory. So after the final seconds of the game, everyone at our football party loaded up in cars and headed downtown. And we rolled and rolled Toomers. And screamed War Eagle. And it was incredible. We are still in the hunt for the National Championship. We broke Bama's 20 game win streak at home. We handed their their 3rd loss of the season. And all is right in the state of Alabama!
I'll have to get around to posting some pictures of Toomer's...but The Coach left the necessary equipment up at the office. Next Saturday we are off to Atlanta to cheer on our Auburn Tigers in the SEC Championship game. We win that, we are in the National Title game. WDE!
Now, on to the infertility stuff...you'll have to excuse me, I get a little excited about college football....:)
The Coach and I had our IVF Consult with our RE last Tuesday. I had a whole list of questions going in and I'm so happy to say she answered every single one of my questions before I could even ask them. She went over the typical stuff...the chances of having a child with some type of disability, when the lab is closed over the Holidays, for both The Coach and I to get flu shots ASAP and then got into the meat of the IVF discussion.
We will be doing the antagonist protocol. Her reasoning for favoring antagonist for me over long Lupron is because my E2 has been low in the past (before adding the Menopur) and she doesn't want to risk over-suppressing me with Lupron which wouldn't allow my E2 to increase appropriately. So I'll be on 375iu of Follistim and 75iu of Menopur daily and then add in Garnilex as we get further into stimming. Prior to starting stims I'll be on BCP for 14 days and during that time I'll repeat my HSG (a test where they inject dye into your tubes and uterus while monitoring it via x-ray to check for any blockage or leakage--it is PAINFUL) and my SIS (a saline sonogram where they measure the uterus and check for any polyps or growths).
She gave us about a 50% chance of having success with IVF and said that it is completely up to us if we transfer 1 or 2 embryos. She said guidelines recommend we transfer 1 but she'd understand if we wanted to do 2. The twin rate would be about 30% if we transferred 1, 50-60% if we transferred 2. We've decided to transfer 2. Her hope is to get anywhere from 10-15 eggs at the egg retrieval, which is a good number because it puts me at a low risk for OHSS and should promote good quality of embryos instead of quantity.
The ER and ET will be performed in their main office in Birmingham so I won't have to go a hospital for either. The clinic is attached to a hospital so if there were to be any complications, we would be right there, but we aren't expecting anything to happen.
So right now I'm just waiting to get my period. Depending on when it comes, I may start BCP this cycle or we may have to put that off until my next cycle. We have to time everything around the few days that the lab is closed. Because of the chemical pregnancy last cycle, I'm not really sure when to expect to start.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ours was filled with family and friends, lots of love and great food and fabulous weather....and lots of orange and blue in support of our 12-0 Auburn Tigers :)
Now, if you know or care anything about college athletics, you know that War Damn Eagle is the battle cry for Auburn University. And you should also know that Auburn University and the University of Alabama are huge, huge rivals. About as big of rivals as two universities can be. And probably the most heated rivalry in all of the world. No lie. People bleed orange and blue or crimson. The traditions go back through generation after generation. It is very rare to find a "house divided" over Auburn and Alabama because the hatred is that strong. Unfortunately, as an Auburn fan, Bama has been pretty good for the past few years. They even won the National Championship last year. Disgusting. And they've also won the Iron Bowl for the past two years (the Iron Bowl is that yearly game between Auburn and Alabama). Bama being good and especially winning the Iron Bowl makes living in this state very unpleasant. To put it mildly.
Well, if you follow college football at all, you know that going into the Iron Bowl Auburn was 11-0! The #2 team in the country and Bama had two loses (YAY!). The Iron Bowl is always played Thanksgiving weekend and has been played on Fridays for a few years. Auburn had to play in Tuscaloosa this year and that is NOT an easy place to play. Over 100,000 of America's trashiest trash fill the stadium and make up (most of) the fan base of Bama Nation. BUT Auburn is 6-1 in Tuscaloosa (for many years the Iron Bowl was played at a neutral site in Birmingham because of the hostility of the rivalry). And going into this year's game, Bama had nothing to lose and everything to gain and it was the opposite for Auburn. You see, all Bama wanted was to keep Auburn out of the National Championship Game. With two losses they don't stand a chance at making a decent bowl game so their goal was to ruin it for us.
AND THEY DIDN'T! AUBURN WON! WAR DAMN EAGLE BABY! GO TO HELL ALABAMA!
It was a hell of a game and one hell of a win! Auburn also has this tradition called Rolling Toomers. In downtown Auburn there is a small drug store called Toomer's, located at Toomer's Corner (and if you are ever in Auburn, you MUST try their lemonade!) and it is tradition to roll--with toilet paper--Toomer's Corner after every Auburn victory. So after the final seconds of the game, everyone at our football party loaded up in cars and headed downtown. And we rolled and rolled Toomers. And screamed War Eagle. And it was incredible. We are still in the hunt for the National Championship. We broke Bama's 20 game win streak at home. We handed their their 3rd loss of the season. And all is right in the state of Alabama!
I'll have to get around to posting some pictures of Toomer's...but The Coach left the necessary equipment up at the office. Next Saturday we are off to Atlanta to cheer on our Auburn Tigers in the SEC Championship game. We win that, we are in the National Title game. WDE!
Now, on to the infertility stuff...you'll have to excuse me, I get a little excited about college football....:)
The Coach and I had our IVF Consult with our RE last Tuesday. I had a whole list of questions going in and I'm so happy to say she answered every single one of my questions before I could even ask them. She went over the typical stuff...the chances of having a child with some type of disability, when the lab is closed over the Holidays, for both The Coach and I to get flu shots ASAP and then got into the meat of the IVF discussion.
We will be doing the antagonist protocol. Her reasoning for favoring antagonist for me over long Lupron is because my E2 has been low in the past (before adding the Menopur) and she doesn't want to risk over-suppressing me with Lupron which wouldn't allow my E2 to increase appropriately. So I'll be on 375iu of Follistim and 75iu of Menopur daily and then add in Garnilex as we get further into stimming. Prior to starting stims I'll be on BCP for 14 days and during that time I'll repeat my HSG (a test where they inject dye into your tubes and uterus while monitoring it via x-ray to check for any blockage or leakage--it is PAINFUL) and my SIS (a saline sonogram where they measure the uterus and check for any polyps or growths).
She gave us about a 50% chance of having success with IVF and said that it is completely up to us if we transfer 1 or 2 embryos. She said guidelines recommend we transfer 1 but she'd understand if we wanted to do 2. The twin rate would be about 30% if we transferred 1, 50-60% if we transferred 2. We've decided to transfer 2. Her hope is to get anywhere from 10-15 eggs at the egg retrieval, which is a good number because it puts me at a low risk for OHSS and should promote good quality of embryos instead of quantity.
The ER and ET will be performed in their main office in Birmingham so I won't have to go a hospital for either. The clinic is attached to a hospital so if there were to be any complications, we would be right there, but we aren't expecting anything to happen.
So right now I'm just waiting to get my period. Depending on when it comes, I may start BCP this cycle or we may have to put that off until my next cycle. We have to time everything around the few days that the lab is closed. Because of the chemical pregnancy last cycle, I'm not really sure when to expect to start.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ours was filled with family and friends, lots of love and great food and fabulous weather....and lots of orange and blue in support of our 12-0 Auburn Tigers :)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
happy holiday week!
I'm very, very excited about this upcoming week! So many things to look forward to...first and foremost, my daddy and step-mom are coming down from the Midwest for Thanksgiving! I am definitely a daddy's girl and I miss him very much. Since I moved south (almost 5 years ago--wow!) I've only seen him a few times a year and that's just not enough. He's come down for Thanksgiving the past three years and I love getting my daddy all to myself and I love hosting Thanksgiving! My dad is a work-a-holic so it is nice to get him away from home so he can relax. And, as I mentioned, I LOVE hosting Thanksgiving! I love to cook, I love to host people, I love to plan and schedule and go crazy with it all. And Thanksgiving provides the perfect opportunity for all of that. I get to plan not only our Thanksgiving menu but the menu for the whole week while they are here--and we tend to indulge a little bit more with our menu when we have guests ;) I get to plan a massive shopping list, a cleaning schedule, my Thanksgiving meal making-schedule...ahhhhh Sharpies, lists and legal pads...I'm a happy girl! Just in case you are curious, here is the menu for the week once my daddy gets here:
Wednesday
Breakfast-out to Cracker Barrel...my daddy loves it and they don't have Cracker Barrel's back home
Lunch-ham and swiss sliders in a poppy seed mustard sauce, chips and dip
Dinner-out to our favorite little local bar/grille...they have the BEST sweet potato fries!
Thursday--THANKSGIVING!
Breakfast-pumpkin bread
Lunch-Appetizers: creamy crab dip with grilled bread, pumpkin pie dip with gingersnaps
Main: turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, mac and cheese, sauteed green beans, hot fruit salad, rolls, stuffing Dessert: chocolate cheesecake and pumpkin pie with homemade whipped cream
Friday
Breakfast-eggs, sausage and hashbrowns
Lunch and Dinner-we will be over at our friends' house to watch the Iron Bowl and will be snacking on leftovers and appetizer type food
Saturday
Breakfast-baked oatmeal with apples and cranberries
Lunch-bacon and chicken wild rice soup
Dinner-out to the local pub to celebrate my dad's birthday
I'm also looking forward to vacation this week...working for a university has a few awesome benefits and holiday time is one of them! We are off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. And hopefully we close early on Tuesday! I need a break from that place...a few days off to rest up and gear up for an insanely busy December.
I'm also OBVIOUSLY looking forward to our IVF meeting on Tuesday!!! I can't wait to find out what our protocol is, our schedule, talk more about our chances of success...ahhh it is all so overwhelming but so, so exciting. At the same time, I can't believe we are here. I can't believe we are really about to (and have to) do IVF. I'd be completely lying if I said I didn't think it would ever get this far. Even through everything, I always thought I'd get pregnant through some less invasive procedure. And I guess I did and maybe could again, but the whole waiting out the season thing is just too much for me to take.
Yesterday I had a crazy thought...I actually thought I was pregnant. I woke up feeling a little off and SUPER thirsty..just like last month. Of course my first thought was "I'm PREGNANT!"...then I realized I'd had at least 6 glasses of wine the night before and surely that would account for me feeling off and being thirsty. The Coach still thinks I'm pregnant because of the irony of it all...we finally decide to do IVF and BAM!...but I don't believe it any more. The wine has worn off and sanity has returned. It hasn't happened in over 2.5 years on its own and only once during a seriously heavily medicated cycle, it WON'T happen on its own.
On that note, the note of my craziness, I need to get started on my cleaning schedule! My daddy will be here in T-2 days! Woo-hoo!
Have a fabulous Holiday Week!!
xoxo
The Coach's Wife
Wednesday
Breakfast-out to Cracker Barrel...my daddy loves it and they don't have Cracker Barrel's back home
Lunch-ham and swiss sliders in a poppy seed mustard sauce, chips and dip
Dinner-out to our favorite little local bar/grille...they have the BEST sweet potato fries!
Thursday--THANKSGIVING!
Breakfast-pumpkin bread
Lunch-Appetizers: creamy crab dip with grilled bread, pumpkin pie dip with gingersnaps
Main: turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, mac and cheese, sauteed green beans, hot fruit salad, rolls, stuffing Dessert: chocolate cheesecake and pumpkin pie with homemade whipped cream
Friday
Breakfast-eggs, sausage and hashbrowns
Lunch and Dinner-we will be over at our friends' house to watch the Iron Bowl and will be snacking on leftovers and appetizer type food
Saturday
Breakfast-baked oatmeal with apples and cranberries
Lunch-bacon and chicken wild rice soup
Dinner-out to the local pub to celebrate my dad's birthday
I'm also looking forward to vacation this week...working for a university has a few awesome benefits and holiday time is one of them! We are off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. And hopefully we close early on Tuesday! I need a break from that place...a few days off to rest up and gear up for an insanely busy December.
I'm also OBVIOUSLY looking forward to our IVF meeting on Tuesday!!! I can't wait to find out what our protocol is, our schedule, talk more about our chances of success...ahhh it is all so overwhelming but so, so exciting. At the same time, I can't believe we are here. I can't believe we are really about to (and have to) do IVF. I'd be completely lying if I said I didn't think it would ever get this far. Even through everything, I always thought I'd get pregnant through some less invasive procedure. And I guess I did and maybe could again, but the whole waiting out the season thing is just too much for me to take.
Yesterday I had a crazy thought...I actually thought I was pregnant. I woke up feeling a little off and SUPER thirsty..just like last month. Of course my first thought was "I'm PREGNANT!"...then I realized I'd had at least 6 glasses of wine the night before and surely that would account for me feeling off and being thirsty. The Coach still thinks I'm pregnant because of the irony of it all...we finally decide to do IVF and BAM!...but I don't believe it any more. The wine has worn off and sanity has returned. It hasn't happened in over 2.5 years on its own and only once during a seriously heavily medicated cycle, it WON'T happen on its own.
On that note, the note of my craziness, I need to get started on my cleaning schedule! My daddy will be here in T-2 days! Woo-hoo!
Have a fabulous Holiday Week!!
xoxo
The Coach's Wife
Friday, November 19, 2010
well...so...um...IVF
Yea, The Coach and I have decided to do IVF.
WHAT?!?
I know, I know...crazy.
Basically, my Thrombosis Profile came back normal...no clotting disorders. So now I want to see my egg quality. And with The Coach's season looming, meaning another 7+ month break where we can do nothing, I need something big, something big to keep me sane. And that is IVF! If, God forbid, our fresh cycle doesn't work, hopefully we'd have a few frozen embryos to do a FET or two in the spring, and The Coach doesn't have to be around for those like he does for an IUI.
So I'm meeting with my RE on Tuesday to go over everything...our protocol, when stuff will start, if I need to re-do any tests (HSG, SIS)...
WHOA.
Off to happy to our celebrate and drown my nerves!
WHAT?!?
I know, I know...crazy.
Basically, my Thrombosis Profile came back normal...no clotting disorders. So now I want to see my egg quality. And with The Coach's season looming, meaning another 7+ month break where we can do nothing, I need something big, something big to keep me sane. And that is IVF! If, God forbid, our fresh cycle doesn't work, hopefully we'd have a few frozen embryos to do a FET or two in the spring, and The Coach doesn't have to be around for those like he does for an IUI.
So I'm meeting with my RE on Tuesday to go over everything...our protocol, when stuff will start, if I need to re-do any tests (HSG, SIS)...
WHOA.
Off to happy to our celebrate and drown my nerves!
Monday, November 15, 2010
ahhhh hello again..
I realize it has been awhile since I've last posted anything...so sorry about that. There just hasn't been much to blog about, to be honest.
Still waiting on the blood results from my thrombosis profile. I'm pretty sure I ovulated for the first time on my own this cycle. And on Saturday our team won the SEC West and we are headed to the conference championship game in Atlanta in December! Woo-hoo!
Work has been crazy...getting ready for Thanksgiving, my dad and step-mom are coming down.
And I still miss my baby. I still think about my baby and short-lived pregnancy daily. And I'm still sad.
Still waiting on the blood results from my thrombosis profile. I'm pretty sure I ovulated for the first time on my own this cycle. And on Saturday our team won the SEC West and we are headed to the conference championship game in Atlanta in December! Woo-hoo!
Work has been crazy...getting ready for Thanksgiving, my dad and step-mom are coming down.
And I still miss my baby. I still think about my baby and short-lived pregnancy daily. And I'm still sad.
Monday, November 8, 2010
tomorrow
I have an appointment at the RE's office tomorrow morning. It will be the first time I've been there since the morning of my negative beta that confirmed the pregnancy was lost. I'm absolutely dreading it. I can't believe we are back at square one and I'm going to have to go through all of this again...maybe even go through it all more than once.
I know the receptionist and the nurses will be sympathetic. I know they will look at me with pity and I hate that. I really should be going in for my first ultrasound and instead I'm having blood drawn to see if we can figure out why my baby died. How depressing.
I still don't know if I want the results of the Thrombosis Profile to show us a reason why we lost the baby or if I'd rather not have another complication and diagnosis to deal with. But I guess I don't get a choice. And the results will be the results and I'll have to deal...either way.
I know the receptionist and the nurses will be sympathetic. I know they will look at me with pity and I hate that. I really should be going in for my first ultrasound and instead I'm having blood drawn to see if we can figure out why my baby died. How depressing.
I still don't know if I want the results of the Thrombosis Profile to show us a reason why we lost the baby or if I'd rather not have another complication and diagnosis to deal with. But I guess I don't get a choice. And the results will be the results and I'll have to deal...either way.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
distractions
The Coach has done a very good job of providing me with a lot of distractions from the situation this weekend. Friday night we went out to the local grille and then the pub with some friends...we drank, we danced, we had fun. Saturday we had to get up SUPER early (for a Saturday) to make it to the tailgate before our homecoming game. For the first time in a long, long time I was seriously hungover. Honestly...it was nice. Granted I'd rather not be able to drink at all but, since I can, it was a fun time. We had a great time at the tailgate and game, although it was COLD! And enjoyed another win...10-0 baby! :) We went out again last night to celebrate our win and our biggest rival's loss. Good day!
Today we went out for lunch and then cleaned the house. I've been in a good mood, I've been happy and I really haven't thought about everything that has happened lately. I'll never "get over it", I'll never forget and I'll certainly never accept what happened and all we've been through in the last 2.5 years but maybe I'm starting to learn to live with it. And, for me, that is progress.
Today we went out for lunch and then cleaned the house. I've been in a good mood, I've been happy and I really haven't thought about everything that has happened lately. I'll never "get over it", I'll never forget and I'll certainly never accept what happened and all we've been through in the last 2.5 years but maybe I'm starting to learn to live with it. And, for me, that is progress.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
today I feel like
a complete and utter failure. I feel like I'm letting everyone around me down. Constantly. I just don't feel confident in myself at all right now.
I've let my job down. I just have zero interest or motivation right now. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be working. All I want is to be at home, in my bed, crying or sleeping. To be frank, recruiting other people's kids to come to this great college just isn't fun for me right now.
I've let my friends down. I'm not happy. I'm not social. I don't want to hang out or go to the bar or tailgate and talk about happy, fun things. I want to be in bed and away from the world.
I've let my dad down. We aren't going home for Christmas (almost 2,000 miles away) because we need to be here so we can cycle [again] in December. If this last pregnancy would have stuck we could be going home. But no. And now I'm letting him down...he's sad and I'm ruining his Christmas.
I've let my mother-in-law down. She wants a grandchild so, so badly and I can't give that to her. I couldn't manage to get pregnant and now I can't manage to stay pregnant.
I've let myself down. I like to be motivated, happy, successful and accomplished. And right now, I'm none of those things. And what bothers me the most is that I don't really care. If my boss came up to me right now and said "You are fired"..I probably wouldn't be too upset. That is so not me.
But what hurts the most is that I've let my husband down. I'm not the happy, social, care-free, energetic person he married. I'm depressed, sad, a loner and constantly stressed. Infertility has taken over my life and changed who I am. And I hate that for him. I can't give him the family he wants, I can't make him happy and I don't feel good about myself at all which is starting to affect our marriage.
I just feel like such a disappointment to everything and everyone. I feel sorry for the people that have to be around me. I feel sorry for my dad that I'm his daughter. I feel sorry for my mother-in-law that I'm her daughter-in-law. I feel sorry for my husband who has to be married to me. I feel sorry for my baby who had to have me as a mother. And I feel sorry for myself that I'm letting everyone and everything I care about down.
Today I am a failure.
I've let my job down. I just have zero interest or motivation right now. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be working. All I want is to be at home, in my bed, crying or sleeping. To be frank, recruiting other people's kids to come to this great college just isn't fun for me right now.
I've let my friends down. I'm not happy. I'm not social. I don't want to hang out or go to the bar or tailgate and talk about happy, fun things. I want to be in bed and away from the world.
I've let my dad down. We aren't going home for Christmas (almost 2,000 miles away) because we need to be here so we can cycle [again] in December. If this last pregnancy would have stuck we could be going home. But no. And now I'm letting him down...he's sad and I'm ruining his Christmas.
I've let my mother-in-law down. She wants a grandchild so, so badly and I can't give that to her. I couldn't manage to get pregnant and now I can't manage to stay pregnant.
I've let myself down. I like to be motivated, happy, successful and accomplished. And right now, I'm none of those things. And what bothers me the most is that I don't really care. If my boss came up to me right now and said "You are fired"..I probably wouldn't be too upset. That is so not me.
But what hurts the most is that I've let my husband down. I'm not the happy, social, care-free, energetic person he married. I'm depressed, sad, a loner and constantly stressed. Infertility has taken over my life and changed who I am. And I hate that for him. I can't give him the family he wants, I can't make him happy and I don't feel good about myself at all which is starting to affect our marriage.
I just feel like such a disappointment to everything and everyone. I feel sorry for the people that have to be around me. I feel sorry for my dad that I'm his daughter. I feel sorry for my mother-in-law that I'm her daughter-in-law. I feel sorry for my husband who has to be married to me. I feel sorry for my baby who had to have me as a mother. And I feel sorry for myself that I'm letting everyone and everything I care about down.
Today I am a failure.
Monday, November 1, 2010
::yawn::
So sleepy. Today is my first day at work since last Wednesday and I'm struggling. Big time. I really haven't done much lately other than lay on the couch and rest so this is a lot for me right now. And it has been a crazy day..lots of troubleshooting an playing catch up.
I scheduled my Thrombosis Profile today. I'm going in next Tuesday. I can't decide what I want from this test...do I want to find something so that I can have a reason (and maybe some closure) for my failed pregnancy? And the results show that there is something wrong that we can treat, which would maybe lessen my anxiety about cycling again? Maybe. But part of me also hopes nothing is wrong. We have enough stuff to deal with. I guess we will find out. I'm really not looking forward to going back there. I know I'll get looks of pity and I hate that.
After my panic attack on Sunday morning I feel like I've been doing a lot better. I definitely have bouts of sadness and I always miss my baby but I haven't really cried since the attack. The Coach and I even managed to watch last week's episode of Bill and Giuliana..the episode when they found out they lost their baby. And I made it through without crying. Tonight's episode will probably be really tough to watch but I still want to watch it. The Coach doesn't understand why I put myself through it but, in a strange way, it is nice. I saw on the previews that she asks if there is anything that she could have done differently, talks about blame and a lot of the things I'm feeling and dealing with. I hate that they are going through it but is beneficial for me, I believe, to see someone else go through it to see how they cope and endure. I promise I don't mean that in the sadistic way that it probably sounds.
I can't believe tomorrow marks two weeks from my positive HPT. I know I've said it before but it seriously feels like a lifetime has passed. Only two weeks.
I scheduled my Thrombosis Profile today. I'm going in next Tuesday. I can't decide what I want from this test...do I want to find something so that I can have a reason (and maybe some closure) for my failed pregnancy? And the results show that there is something wrong that we can treat, which would maybe lessen my anxiety about cycling again? Maybe. But part of me also hopes nothing is wrong. We have enough stuff to deal with. I guess we will find out. I'm really not looking forward to going back there. I know I'll get looks of pity and I hate that.
After my panic attack on Sunday morning I feel like I've been doing a lot better. I definitely have bouts of sadness and I always miss my baby but I haven't really cried since the attack. The Coach and I even managed to watch last week's episode of Bill and Giuliana..the episode when they found out they lost their baby. And I made it through without crying. Tonight's episode will probably be really tough to watch but I still want to watch it. The Coach doesn't understand why I put myself through it but, in a strange way, it is nice. I saw on the previews that she asks if there is anything that she could have done differently, talks about blame and a lot of the things I'm feeling and dealing with. I hate that they are going through it but is beneficial for me, I believe, to see someone else go through it to see how they cope and endure. I promise I don't mean that in the sadistic way that it probably sounds.
I can't believe tomorrow marks two weeks from my positive HPT. I know I've said it before but it seriously feels like a lifetime has passed. Only two weeks.
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