Friday, July 9, 2010


I've come to realize that I am extremely bitter. I'm bitter about everything. I'm bitter that we are struggling so to have a baby. I'm bitter that I've been dealt this crappy card and we do struggle because of it. I'm bitter that fertiles can get pregnant so easily. I'm bitter that even all the infertiles around me seem to be getting pregnant these days. And here I am, no closer to being a success story today than I was a year ago. Or two years ago for that matter. That makes me bitter.

In an attempt to alleviate some of my nasty bitterness, I've been trying to remind myself that even though this sucks and it is hard and no one should have to go through this things could be worse. I really do have a great life. The Coach is a great man and a great husband to me. We both have good, stable jobs. We have families that love us and dogs that adore us. Good friends, food on the table, a roof over our heads, clothes on our back. Aside from the whole inability to get pregnant thing, I'm healthy. The Coach is healthy. Things could be a lot worse. I still feel like I'll never beat this opponent...I feel as though I'll never win this battle. I'm still jealous. I'm still envious. I'm still upset. I'm still depressed. I'm still bitter.

So, I suppose, that even though I'm one of the unlucky ones that struggles through infertility, never knowing if I'll win or if this ugly opponent will continue to beat me to a pulp, I'm still lucky. There is a song out there by country singer Craig Morgan, and every time I hear it, it reminds me that even though what I'm going through seems so tough and so impossible, others have it much worse. Here is the first part of that song:

He was standing in the rubble of an old farmhouse outside Birmingham
When some on the scene reporter stuck a camera in the face of that old man
He said "tell the folks please mister, what are you gonna do
Now that this twister has taken all that's dear to you"
The old man just smiled and said "boy let me tell you something, this ain't nothing"
He said I lost my daddy, when I was eight years old,
That cave-in at the Kincaid mine left a big old hole,
And I lost my baby brother, my best friend and my left hand
In a no win situation in a place called Vietnam
And last year I watched my loving wife, of fifty years waste away and die
And I held her hand til her heart of gold stopped pumping,
So this ain't nothin'

No comments:

Post a Comment