I think maybe

just maybe (ok, definitely) I just had another chemical pregnancy.

Never, ever in my life have I had CM [cervical mucus]. When I'd read posts about people charting and monitoring their CM I was so totally confused. What in the world WAS that stuff? Not something I'd ever experienced. Then, when we started with our RE, we had a post-coital test that confirmed I have no CM. Wonderful. That essentially means getting pregnant on our own, through TI, would be impossible.

Enter the injectable drugs. Once I started Follistim, I did have CM. What an odd experience. So now I know what it is.

Well, for some reason, this month, without treatments, I had CM. Lots and lots of it. [TMI Alert] When DH and I would have sex he'd even comment that it "felt different". Yep, that's the CM.

I'm also sure I ovulated. So...ovulation+CM...my mind started to wander...hell, this is a rare event.

Then AF was 5 days late.

Hmmm...

And I've had super oily skin lately. My skin is dry as a bone. Except when I had my c/p back in October. And I've been insanely thirsty. I'm never thirsty. I'm the slowest drinker on the earth. One bottle of water can easily last me all day. And crampy. I never have cramps.

Hmmm..hmmm...

And then AF showed up. With a vengeance. Heavy. But before AF was spotting. I never have spotting before AF. And not only is AF heavy but also very tissuey and clotty (sorry...). Only time I've ever had another other than light blood for AF was after my c/p.

Then it all hit me. I was pregnant. I just had another chemical. I'd bet my life on it. I've been through 3 years of BFNs. I've had one pregnancy. I can tell the difference. And this was a pregnancy. And it is over. I was too chicken to test when AF was late and now I'm glad I was chicken. Sure, I'd know for sure..but my body and heart already know for sure. And to see another + test only to have it ripped away..not worth it.

I should call my RE and get in for a beta to try to confirm. Although, at this point, I'm sure the beta would be negative. If The Coach and I ever do decided to seek infertility treatments again, I'll tell them about it. And I know they'd trust my judgement. But, for now, I won't. It doesn't change anything. I still *only* have two losses. So they wouldn't do any further testing. And since it is seeming to be doubtful that we will cycle again..what's the point?


In some ways, I suppose this could be a positive. I got pregnant without medical intervention. Could it ever happen again? Possibly. Is it likely? Of course not.

But it could be bad, too. A glimpse at something like RPL? Maybe. God I hope not.



So...for now...I'm sad. And I'm feeling pain. And to get through, I'll have wine. Red, please.


And then yesterday she showed up.

Conflicted

Yes, I'm still alive.

Yes, I'm still dealing with infertility.

No, I didn't forget about this blog.



I just really haven't had anything to say.


I'm very confused right now. About everything. About why this is my life. About why it is so easy for most and so hard for others. About what to do next. Can I live this way forever and be happy? Childless, with just The Coach and feel good about my life? Some days I think yes, that's entirely possible. Other days, days like today, I think I'm crazy for ever thinking I could be happy with this as my life.

I'm fairly certain I have an ovarian cyst right now. I really probably should go see my RE to get it taken care of (ultrasound to confirm, birth control pills to treat) but the thought of going back to the clinic, even for something not really related to treatment, gives me a panic attack. And makes me want to puke. And throw things at someone. All simeltaneously. So I probably won't get it taken care of. At least not any time soon. What good are my ovaries anyway? Who cares if they have a massive blob on them? Certainly not me. Serves them right anyway ;)

The Coach is still in season. It has been a long one this year. And they still have two more regular season series to go, plus the conference tournament and the post-season play. So probably another 4 weeks...it is has gotten very tiresome this year. But, I can honestly say, for the first season ever I've never once thought to myself while sitting at his game "Next year I'll be here with our child". I guess that's progress? Accepting, realizing, owning our fate? Maybe.

The Coach and I really need to sit down and hash out our future plans. He wants to do a few more IUIs, you know how I feel about going back to that place. But I still feel like I can't say no to him. I'm the reason he isn't a daddy yet, and will never be a daddy, but can I really say no to giving him a [non-existant] chance?


So, in short...I'm still angry. I'm still pissed. I'm still bitter. I'm still angry at the world. I'm still jealous of fertiles and infertiles with babies. And I still don't have any hope or fight.


Fucking shitty place to be, no?