due date

My due date was Monday.

We should be holding our precious little newborn right now.




But we aren't.


And my arms and heart are empty.

And always will be.

stronger

Right now I feel stronger. And happier. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Vicious circle, I tell ya.

The Coach's season is over. He's (understandably) disappointed that it is over..it is what he works for all year..their season didn't end the way they wanted it to (ended in the first round of play-offs), all that jazz. Of course I want him and his team to do well..but..in all honesty, I'm glad it is over. It was a LONG season. To think that it started when we were doing IVF. Whoa. It is nice to have him home and around a little bit. I miss him when he's in season.

We had a faboulous Memorial Day weekend. Friday night we grabbed drinks with friends at the neighborhood pub. Saturday we saw the Hangover II (awesome!) and Sunday we went to a minor league baseball game and enjoyed way too many margaritas and beers. Fabulousness!

We also have some fun summer trips coming up. The Coach's sister lives in the pacific northwest and will be down in Nashville with her partner in June so The Coach and I are driving up there for the weekend to see them. And to drink!

Then in July we are taking a quick trip down to New Orleans for a few days and then ending the trip with a day at the beach in Biloxi. It will be so nice to have him ALL TO MYSELF! And to get some much needed quality time in. As you all have gathered, it is few and far between.




So, for today, right now in this minute, I feel ok with my life. Maybe even a little happy with my life...and that's better than most days so I'll take it.

not strong enough

Do you ever feel like you just aren't strong enough to make it through? That all of the strength you ever had is gone...long gone...and you just don't know how you'll make it, how you could ever be expected to come out on top? You just have too much on your plate, too much shit in your life and you just can't deal?


I really hope someone else feels this way...I can't be the only one, right?


:/

2 things

1. I'm sure everyone has, by this point, heard of the sheer devastation in the southern part of the country, particularly in Alabama where The Coach and I live. We are safe, we are fine. Miraculously our town was really one of the few in the state that wasn't hit. I think our city had two confirmed trees down, about 200 people without power for a few hours and NO injuries or fatalities. Other areas of the state, particularly Tuscaloosa and Birmingham, are almost wiped clean. So please, please, please send any thoughts and prayers to those areas. Our Governor has deemed this disaster as a level I..other level I disasters in recent history are Hurricane Katrina and 9/11. If anyone is interested in helping in any way, please visit http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Toomers-for-Tuscaloosa/127019264041188

Toomer's for Tuscaloosa is a wonderful organization established by Auburn fans that wanted to help out in Tuscaloosa and the surrounding areas. This organization is WONDERFUL! A complete and total God Sent to those suffering.


2. The Coach's team had their final home series of the season this past weekend and they won 2 out of 3 games...against the #4 team in the country! What a way to close out the home schedule!!

I think maybe

just maybe (ok, definitely) I just had another chemical pregnancy.

Never, ever in my life have I had CM [cervical mucus]. When I'd read posts about people charting and monitoring their CM I was so totally confused. What in the world WAS that stuff? Not something I'd ever experienced. Then, when we started with our RE, we had a post-coital test that confirmed I have no CM. Wonderful. That essentially means getting pregnant on our own, through TI, would be impossible.

Enter the injectable drugs. Once I started Follistim, I did have CM. What an odd experience. So now I know what it is.

Well, for some reason, this month, without treatments, I had CM. Lots and lots of it. [TMI Alert] When DH and I would have sex he'd even comment that it "felt different". Yep, that's the CM.

I'm also sure I ovulated. So...ovulation+CM...my mind started to wander...hell, this is a rare event.

Then AF was 5 days late.

Hmmm...

And I've had super oily skin lately. My skin is dry as a bone. Except when I had my c/p back in October. And I've been insanely thirsty. I'm never thirsty. I'm the slowest drinker on the earth. One bottle of water can easily last me all day. And crampy. I never have cramps.

Hmmm..hmmm...

And then AF showed up. With a vengeance. Heavy. But before AF was spotting. I never have spotting before AF. And not only is AF heavy but also very tissuey and clotty (sorry...). Only time I've ever had another other than light blood for AF was after my c/p.

Then it all hit me. I was pregnant. I just had another chemical. I'd bet my life on it. I've been through 3 years of BFNs. I've had one pregnancy. I can tell the difference. And this was a pregnancy. And it is over. I was too chicken to test when AF was late and now I'm glad I was chicken. Sure, I'd know for sure..but my body and heart already know for sure. And to see another + test only to have it ripped away..not worth it.

I should call my RE and get in for a beta to try to confirm. Although, at this point, I'm sure the beta would be negative. If The Coach and I ever do decided to seek infertility treatments again, I'll tell them about it. And I know they'd trust my judgement. But, for now, I won't. It doesn't change anything. I still *only* have two losses. So they wouldn't do any further testing. And since it is seeming to be doubtful that we will cycle again..what's the point?


In some ways, I suppose this could be a positive. I got pregnant without medical intervention. Could it ever happen again? Possibly. Is it likely? Of course not.

But it could be bad, too. A glimpse at something like RPL? Maybe. God I hope not.



So...for now...I'm sad. And I'm feeling pain. And to get through, I'll have wine. Red, please.


And then yesterday she showed up.

Conflicted

Yes, I'm still alive.

Yes, I'm still dealing with infertility.

No, I didn't forget about this blog.



I just really haven't had anything to say.


I'm very confused right now. About everything. About why this is my life. About why it is so easy for most and so hard for others. About what to do next. Can I live this way forever and be happy? Childless, with just The Coach and feel good about my life? Some days I think yes, that's entirely possible. Other days, days like today, I think I'm crazy for ever thinking I could be happy with this as my life.

I'm fairly certain I have an ovarian cyst right now. I really probably should go see my RE to get it taken care of (ultrasound to confirm, birth control pills to treat) but the thought of going back to the clinic, even for something not really related to treatment, gives me a panic attack. And makes me want to puke. And throw things at someone. All simeltaneously. So I probably won't get it taken care of. At least not any time soon. What good are my ovaries anyway? Who cares if they have a massive blob on them? Certainly not me. Serves them right anyway ;)

The Coach is still in season. It has been a long one this year. And they still have two more regular season series to go, plus the conference tournament and the post-season play. So probably another 4 weeks...it is has gotten very tiresome this year. But, I can honestly say, for the first season ever I've never once thought to myself while sitting at his game "Next year I'll be here with our child". I guess that's progress? Accepting, realizing, owning our fate? Maybe.

The Coach and I really need to sit down and hash out our future plans. He wants to do a few more IUIs, you know how I feel about going back to that place. But I still feel like I can't say no to him. I'm the reason he isn't a daddy yet, and will never be a daddy, but can I really say no to giving him a [non-existant] chance?


So, in short...I'm still angry. I'm still pissed. I'm still bitter. I'm still angry at the world. I'm still jealous of fertiles and infertiles with babies. And I still don't have any hope or fight.


Fucking shitty place to be, no?

well hello, there..

Do I still have any readers out there? Yes, yes, I realize it has been ages. I just have nothing going on in regards to the trying to conceive front. Nada. Zilch.

We have been busy, though...The Coach's season is in full swing, first conference series this weekend. Currently they are 21-2 and 2-0 in the SEC :) They've had a wonderful, wonderful start to the season and I hope they keep it up! They have one more game this afternoon and then fly home. I hope to see him before midnight.

Other than the season, I've been swamped with work. I run an organization in our recruitment office...I employ current students that assist in the recruitment of prospective students. Right now is hiring time. This year I have 73 applicants..for 40 spots. Because my director is all "give everyone a second, third, fourth chance...just hire everyone!" I have to do phone interviews with all applicants. And then pretty much offer second round (in-person) interviews to everyone as well. So...in two weeks I'll be doing 73 interviews in a week. Ridic.

Oh and since our BFN I've really upped my work outs...running more and doing Zumba often and I've lost almost 20 pounds!